Posted on 10/01/2005 7:36:14 AM PDT by teldon30
Guys, we all know that feeling. That queasy one in the pit of our stomachs, a date with a new lady. No big deal when we were 18, or 21, or maybe even single at 30. But we’ve been married for a while, forgotten how to date and forgotten more about that other species known as females than we now know. Also, truth be told, if we’re completely candid with ourselves, we’ve been spoiled and pampered, accustom to having someone take care of us, make sure that our socks matched, that we didn’t embarrass ourselves at that party. Sex was a given, no need to shower, shave, appear desirable, or even interested. And definitely no need to think about her feelings, wants, desires, or idiosyncrasies on a second by second basis.
Fast forward to the present. You’re separated or divorced. You want to date, want to meet that lady of your dreams, or maybe lots of ladies of your dreams. But marriage or at least divorce has left a bad taste. You’re feeling uncertain about females, uncertain about yourself. You’re not even sure if you’re desirable anymore, or what the present day modern female of the species is looking forward or considers desirable. And, to top it all off, if you’re really candid with yourself, you have no idea how to go about this thing called dating. Heck, you may not be sure you even want to try.
Do women have the same issues? Yes, to a degree. However, women are far better prepared for the single life after marriage than men. Women live and breathe relationships. They’ve thought about them their entire lives. They’ve prioritized their relationships, and their feelings all along, as many of them clearly like to tell us, and so, understand themselves and their situation. Also, women possess a much more evolved emotional support system with lots of girlfriends. They have shoulders to cry on, emote to, get advice from, and generally are well positioned to move forward to this next phase of their life.
What do we men have? Squat- Less than squat. We don’t tend to think about the big “R” word, relationships. We probably didn’t think much about ours. We’re essentially anti-social, with few, if any male friends. Sure, we can talk about the football game or the stock market. But talk about our feelings of insecurity, what we don’t know about women or dating? Hardly! So, we’re generally ill – equipped to approach that most sophisticated and evolved of all animals, the single American female.
So, what’s the secret to getting back to a normal, healthy social life? Sorry, there are no secrets. We’re all different and what works for Bob will be different than for Ted. However, there are seven basic rules that apply to all of us,
The Seven Secrets of Life for the Divorced Guy: (OK, we could do 10, but it doesn’t have the same ring to it!)
1. Take time to know yourself
You’re single again, and just aching to get back out there and mix it up. Hold on there, Trigger. Yes, it’s easy to date and easier to find a female or females to spend time with you. But, do yourself and your partners a favor. Take some time off. Ideally, take a year or so after your marriage to get to know yourself again, your likes, thoughts, and feelings. After all, you’ve not been You for a long time; you’ve been We, perhaps for as long as you can even remember.
It’s critical that you get back that sense of you as a valuable, individualized person. You need to know you before you’re any good for anyone else. Trust me, taking a little extra time initially will pay off later. You’ll be happier with your dating. It will be more meaningful, and you’ll be making fewer mistakes. Take it from someone that made lots.
2. Define and clearly articulate your goals
Ok, don’t laugh here, but true story. When I came out of divorce, I sat down and wrote down the attributes of the female I wanted to meet, date, and be with, in detail, right down to hair color and body shape. Stupid? Yes, but it did provide a focus, and something to plan for. Of course, as I began dating, I found that I really didn’t know myself that well, as most of what I thought I wanted, I found to be wrong/incompatible/silly/impossible, you take your pick.
However, it is very important to define, in a general way, what you’re looking for in dating. Do you want to play? Have fun? Meet someone serious? Have a buddy only? Someone primarily for sex? Whatever you want, you need to be honest with yourself. You need to be able to look at that scraggly face in the mirror in the morning, mussed hair and all, and feel comfortable that you know what you want, and are in the process of finding it. Otherwise, you’re going to find that dating is stressful, unfulfilling, and generally a pain in the behind. And, you certainly won’t get high marks from the female crowd, which hurts all of the rest of us poor unsuspecting males out there, trying to bravely make our way.
So, do us all a favor here in the male kingdom. Know what you want, go get it, and leave the rest alone.
3. Be candid and direct
Guys, we all like low stress. We hate controversy, and wasted energy, especially in dating. What’s the secret to minimizing stress and drama? Ok, one key is avoiding females that like drama, but that’s the subject of another column. Rather, it’s being candid and direct.
I know, I know, you don’t want to tell her at the dinner table that her dress sucks. No, that’s not being candid and direct, that’s being stupid, otherwise known as being honest. A totally different concept.
Rather, what I’m talking about is don’t play games. Don’t tell her you want to get married eventually if you don’t or are not sure. Don’t tell her you want kids, hers included, if you don’t or don’t yet know. Don’t feign a love of sushi if fish, raw or otherwise, is simply not your thing. Rather, put yourself in situations that you like and are comfortable. Do not mislead the female of the species, they get quite a bit more than antagonistic later on when they find differently. And, they will find out the Murphy’s Law of Dating. If It Can Go to Crap, It Will. . It’s far better to spend time with ladies that like the real you than sexy ones that seem fun, but aren’t really compatible.
Men, it may seem counterproductive and take some effort, but you will bring far less angst on yourself in your encounters, as well as earn the everlasting respect of your fellow female journey mates by being candid. They may even add you to the rare Good Guy list and who knows, maybe even set you up with friends that are far more interesting.
4. Be positive
She’s late for dinner. By two hours. Smile. She’s whining, now sending back her second undercooked entree. Smile, and laugh. She tells you about her evil ex-husband and how all he wanted was sex, for the entire three hours of the meal. Smile, even if you have to think about how lucky he is to not be here.
Dating is by definition, stressful. It’s two people, who don’t know each other, who are uncomfortable with each other, and perhaps even with themselves, auditioning in the biggest game in life, a relationship. It’s also a wonderful experience, a chance to meet many, many wonderful people, learn something new about each and every one of them, and grow as a person.
There is no room for being negative, no room for false drama. We’re all trying our best. So what if the date wasn’t perfect, Most aren’t. But, you’ve had another evening with another wonderful person, learned a few things and had a few laughs. And soon, you will meet that one, or two, or multiple, people that you really can’t wait to spend time with.
So, be positive. Convey a positive attitude. Nothing is sexier to a lady than a guy that’s happy, confident, positive, and lets her know that he’s happy to be there with her. If you’re positive, she’s going to find it hard to be less than positive as well. If not, think positive- she’s gone from your life in less than three hours.
5. Learn from each encounter
You use the same three jokes on her that you’ve always used. She frowns, and stares at her food for the rest of the evening. Did you ever stop to think that maybe that off color joke about your ex is not such a good idea? Or, you arrive home from yet another date, feeling beaten and unfulfilled. Did you ever stop to think that perhaps dating women that are aggressive, forceful personalities, that leave little in the way of dialogue or interest in your needs, is probably not what you’re seeking? Yet, you keep going out with that type?
Learn from each experience. After all, you do not have all the answers. We each come out of divorce like babes in the woods. We know nothing, and each experience gives us new knowledge. But, it’s only knowledge if we learn from it.
So, ask yourself after each date, or female, what did I like about her? Dislike? What lessons learned can I take to my next dating relationship? What have I learned about myself that will be important when and if I develop a serious relationship? Don’t assume you have all the answers. I didn’t, and still don’t. But, I’m learning.
6. Navel-gaze
Do more than simply pick lint from your bellybutton. Ladies, sorry if this offends you, but it’s an article addressed to guys. And guys, navel-gazing, as you well know, doesn’t mean straining to see over that well developed stomach area. It means introspection. Dating is an evolutionary experience. The more we date, the more we learn about ourselves. And, the more we learn about ourselves, and what we want from a relationship, the happier we will be, and the happier we will make our partners.
In female vernacular, we aren’t as in touch with our feelings as women are. This is debatable, and the subject of another column. However, it is most certainly true that we men don’t often take the time to consider our feelings. We’re good at thinking, but avoid feeling. So, don’t be afraid to navel- gaze.
7. Have fun
Dating is fun. Meeting delectable members of the opposite sex is fun, hopefully, more than fun. True, there can be a fair amount of drama or associated issues. But, don’t get sidetracked. Don’t engage. Remember, dating is fun. Life is fun, and you should have fun with the entire experience.
So, get out there, enjoy yourselves, make mistakes, learn from them, smile and above all, have fun!
(This is strangly getting hot..) Mr. Roboto to you!
Hun, THAT we can often pick up on ;) It's the words that get tangled. An "I don't know" response to a serious question gets pondered more than E=MC2.
Did he mean that HE doesn't know, but someone out there probably does?
Or did he mean he DOESN'T know the answer, because it's locked away in some part of his wounded psyche?
Or did he mean he doesn't KNOW, as in the knowledge is buried in the turmoil of his emotions?
And that a slight warble at the end of the sentence? Why, he's fighting to control his emotions, because he's been hurt before.
So he must be in love too! (ack!)
Mr. Roboto? Is that a song? If it is, then its not in my head. My head is clear now while you're still suffering from Muskrat Love.
You would be shocked at how many ostensibly Christian men would be all over a disease-free Pamela Anderson-type in two seconds if they thought they had a chance with her. Because they realize they don't have a chance (or because of learned fears) they are free to grumble about sin and and how they would never do such a thing and how the world doesn't measure up to their standards. It's a defense mechanism - and the louder they protest, the more they've been thinking about it.
But when put to the test, biology speaks louder than any creed. I'll stick to the 98% estimate. ;)
The "relationship" lasting longer is not the immediate goal. {;^ )
Speaking as a bachelor, I have found so many damaged and duplicitous women that I find myself preferring widows to the profile of a typical Big D veteran; I have dated a number of cheating married women, until I was so informed (with adequate evidence) or discovered "the sinner". I am thankful that women can stand men as men are surely worse still than women in such matters.
The "Sex in the City" relationship model is as if STDs designed it for themselves.
One might surmise that even with today's astounding population densities, the proportion of lonely people today may only equal those of centuries gone by. Still, as a practical matter, plural "marriage" may be a lasting arrangment as I believe that there are more good women than good men - as this author verbosely beat around his bush.
The warble comes from resisting the urge to strangle her. ;)
I didn't have a time limit - so, this might not solve that problem - but...
I copied and pasted each chapter into a Word Document.
When I took the quiz at the end of each chapter, I would use the Word Find function to search for the answer to the questions.
Worked for me - I got 100% on my test. And, I didn't read a word of that garbage.
;-)
"DD"
I did that with Chapter 1 but so far the questions for Chapter 1 and 2 have been very easy so I'm just trying to glance through the material. Right now the timer is the killer. Each page has like a 2 or 3 minute timer so I open it, scan it for 20 seconds, go do some work(or post on FR) and then come back and go to the next page.
Yes, I also unknowingly dated a married guy.
I asked all the right questions, I had my MarriedGayRadar going the whole time and STILL missed it.
He had created this elaborate cover story..
...They divorced, she remarried an attorney and their son lived part time with each parent and all was well!
After it came to light, I called his wife and told her. I told her all the things he said about her and his elaborate story.
I wonder if they are married today?
;-?
"the louder they protest, the more they've been thinking about it."
Plausible denial is certainly a common 'cover' for sin.
OTOH, someone who genuinely walks the straight and narrow fixes his/her mind on that which is right.
"Thy Word have I hid in my heart, that I might not sin against Thee" -- David, PSALMS
As re: your statement of your belief that 98% of males would acquiesce to the sexual availability of a messed-up beautiful woman, thanks for the acknowledgement of its being only your personal estimate. My own observations lead me to an estimate that is somewhat higher. Regrettably, not substantially higher. 85%
But ladies, hunks striving for righteousness are out here!
"My mama told me,
You gotta shop around"
-- a great Captain and Tennille song!
That's real sweet PaulaB, but do you have a song for us??? ;-)
Paula, Billy Idol doesn't fit with your country girl upbringing. Could it be that you hung around the t-shacks with the freaks???
And Paula you are correct when you say women should have a glamour shot but also we would do well to remember that doin' your best to stay attractive benefits you both................sounds of "Afternoon Delight" playing in the back groud
LOL
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