Posted on 10/01/2005 7:36:14 AM PDT by teldon30
Guys, we all know that feeling. That queasy one in the pit of our stomachs, a date with a new lady. No big deal when we were 18, or 21, or maybe even single at 30. But we’ve been married for a while, forgotten how to date and forgotten more about that other species known as females than we now know. Also, truth be told, if we’re completely candid with ourselves, we’ve been spoiled and pampered, accustom to having someone take care of us, make sure that our socks matched, that we didn’t embarrass ourselves at that party. Sex was a given, no need to shower, shave, appear desirable, or even interested. And definitely no need to think about her feelings, wants, desires, or idiosyncrasies on a second by second basis.
Fast forward to the present. You’re separated or divorced. You want to date, want to meet that lady of your dreams, or maybe lots of ladies of your dreams. But marriage or at least divorce has left a bad taste. You’re feeling uncertain about females, uncertain about yourself. You’re not even sure if you’re desirable anymore, or what the present day modern female of the species is looking forward or considers desirable. And, to top it all off, if you’re really candid with yourself, you have no idea how to go about this thing called dating. Heck, you may not be sure you even want to try.
Do women have the same issues? Yes, to a degree. However, women are far better prepared for the single life after marriage than men. Women live and breathe relationships. They’ve thought about them their entire lives. They’ve prioritized their relationships, and their feelings all along, as many of them clearly like to tell us, and so, understand themselves and their situation. Also, women possess a much more evolved emotional support system with lots of girlfriends. They have shoulders to cry on, emote to, get advice from, and generally are well positioned to move forward to this next phase of their life.
What do we men have? Squat- Less than squat. We don’t tend to think about the big “R” word, relationships. We probably didn’t think much about ours. We’re essentially anti-social, with few, if any male friends. Sure, we can talk about the football game or the stock market. But talk about our feelings of insecurity, what we don’t know about women or dating? Hardly! So, we’re generally ill – equipped to approach that most sophisticated and evolved of all animals, the single American female.
So, what’s the secret to getting back to a normal, healthy social life? Sorry, there are no secrets. We’re all different and what works for Bob will be different than for Ted. However, there are seven basic rules that apply to all of us,
The Seven Secrets of Life for the Divorced Guy: (OK, we could do 10, but it doesn’t have the same ring to it!)
1. Take time to know yourself
You’re single again, and just aching to get back out there and mix it up. Hold on there, Trigger. Yes, it’s easy to date and easier to find a female or females to spend time with you. But, do yourself and your partners a favor. Take some time off. Ideally, take a year or so after your marriage to get to know yourself again, your likes, thoughts, and feelings. After all, you’ve not been You for a long time; you’ve been We, perhaps for as long as you can even remember.
It’s critical that you get back that sense of you as a valuable, individualized person. You need to know you before you’re any good for anyone else. Trust me, taking a little extra time initially will pay off later. You’ll be happier with your dating. It will be more meaningful, and you’ll be making fewer mistakes. Take it from someone that made lots.
2. Define and clearly articulate your goals
Ok, don’t laugh here, but true story. When I came out of divorce, I sat down and wrote down the attributes of the female I wanted to meet, date, and be with, in detail, right down to hair color and body shape. Stupid? Yes, but it did provide a focus, and something to plan for. Of course, as I began dating, I found that I really didn’t know myself that well, as most of what I thought I wanted, I found to be wrong/incompatible/silly/impossible, you take your pick.
However, it is very important to define, in a general way, what you’re looking for in dating. Do you want to play? Have fun? Meet someone serious? Have a buddy only? Someone primarily for sex? Whatever you want, you need to be honest with yourself. You need to be able to look at that scraggly face in the mirror in the morning, mussed hair and all, and feel comfortable that you know what you want, and are in the process of finding it. Otherwise, you’re going to find that dating is stressful, unfulfilling, and generally a pain in the behind. And, you certainly won’t get high marks from the female crowd, which hurts all of the rest of us poor unsuspecting males out there, trying to bravely make our way.
So, do us all a favor here in the male kingdom. Know what you want, go get it, and leave the rest alone.
3. Be candid and direct
Guys, we all like low stress. We hate controversy, and wasted energy, especially in dating. What’s the secret to minimizing stress and drama? Ok, one key is avoiding females that like drama, but that’s the subject of another column. Rather, it’s being candid and direct.
I know, I know, you don’t want to tell her at the dinner table that her dress sucks. No, that’s not being candid and direct, that’s being stupid, otherwise known as being honest. A totally different concept.
Rather, what I’m talking about is don’t play games. Don’t tell her you want to get married eventually if you don’t or are not sure. Don’t tell her you want kids, hers included, if you don’t or don’t yet know. Don’t feign a love of sushi if fish, raw or otherwise, is simply not your thing. Rather, put yourself in situations that you like and are comfortable. Do not mislead the female of the species, they get quite a bit more than antagonistic later on when they find differently. And, they will find out the Murphy’s Law of Dating. If It Can Go to Crap, It Will. . It’s far better to spend time with ladies that like the real you than sexy ones that seem fun, but aren’t really compatible.
Men, it may seem counterproductive and take some effort, but you will bring far less angst on yourself in your encounters, as well as earn the everlasting respect of your fellow female journey mates by being candid. They may even add you to the rare Good Guy list and who knows, maybe even set you up with friends that are far more interesting.
4. Be positive
She’s late for dinner. By two hours. Smile. She’s whining, now sending back her second undercooked entree. Smile, and laugh. She tells you about her evil ex-husband and how all he wanted was sex, for the entire three hours of the meal. Smile, even if you have to think about how lucky he is to not be here.
Dating is by definition, stressful. It’s two people, who don’t know each other, who are uncomfortable with each other, and perhaps even with themselves, auditioning in the biggest game in life, a relationship. It’s also a wonderful experience, a chance to meet many, many wonderful people, learn something new about each and every one of them, and grow as a person.
There is no room for being negative, no room for false drama. We’re all trying our best. So what if the date wasn’t perfect, Most aren’t. But, you’ve had another evening with another wonderful person, learned a few things and had a few laughs. And soon, you will meet that one, or two, or multiple, people that you really can’t wait to spend time with.
So, be positive. Convey a positive attitude. Nothing is sexier to a lady than a guy that’s happy, confident, positive, and lets her know that he’s happy to be there with her. If you’re positive, she’s going to find it hard to be less than positive as well. If not, think positive- she’s gone from your life in less than three hours.
5. Learn from each encounter
You use the same three jokes on her that you’ve always used. She frowns, and stares at her food for the rest of the evening. Did you ever stop to think that maybe that off color joke about your ex is not such a good idea? Or, you arrive home from yet another date, feeling beaten and unfulfilled. Did you ever stop to think that perhaps dating women that are aggressive, forceful personalities, that leave little in the way of dialogue or interest in your needs, is probably not what you’re seeking? Yet, you keep going out with that type?
Learn from each experience. After all, you do not have all the answers. We each come out of divorce like babes in the woods. We know nothing, and each experience gives us new knowledge. But, it’s only knowledge if we learn from it.
So, ask yourself after each date, or female, what did I like about her? Dislike? What lessons learned can I take to my next dating relationship? What have I learned about myself that will be important when and if I develop a serious relationship? Don’t assume you have all the answers. I didn’t, and still don’t. But, I’m learning.
6. Navel-gaze
Do more than simply pick lint from your bellybutton. Ladies, sorry if this offends you, but it’s an article addressed to guys. And guys, navel-gazing, as you well know, doesn’t mean straining to see over that well developed stomach area. It means introspection. Dating is an evolutionary experience. The more we date, the more we learn about ourselves. And, the more we learn about ourselves, and what we want from a relationship, the happier we will be, and the happier we will make our partners.
In female vernacular, we aren’t as in touch with our feelings as women are. This is debatable, and the subject of another column. However, it is most certainly true that we men don’t often take the time to consider our feelings. We’re good at thinking, but avoid feeling. So, don’t be afraid to navel- gaze.
7. Have fun
Dating is fun. Meeting delectable members of the opposite sex is fun, hopefully, more than fun. True, there can be a fair amount of drama or associated issues. But, don’t get sidetracked. Don’t engage. Remember, dating is fun. Life is fun, and you should have fun with the entire experience.
So, get out there, enjoy yourselves, make mistakes, learn from them, smile and above all, have fun!
You have just set back the "we are not that shallow" contingent of Freeperettes several generations.
Nothing wrong with what you suggest should never happen.
"Man's reach should exceed his grasp; else what's a heaven for?"
Of course, that approach is fraught with disapointments, but we need not get into that.
Have you been drinking?
Nope.
Stone cold sober.
Back in my dating days, a friend had set me up with a blind date (I have an outrageous schedule now and did then as well), who started with a Bud and a double of Jack Daniel's back (what a boilermaker!) and proceeded to drink through the rest of the twenty as I drank my Coke.
This was in the days when a twenty would buy a couple of cases of beer.
She also went through a half-dozen personalities (replete with different postures, accents, etc.) in the time it took to shoot a couple of games of 8-ball.
I figured that either she was a gifted actress or off her meds.
The latter seemed most likely.
I detoured her away from the bar, through dinner and gently wrapped things up and took her home--to her place--and got out of there as fast as I could.
I still refer to that date as my "Night out with Sibyl".
There were other dates as bad or worse, and I would agree that dating is tough, not just because you are dealing with all the ghosts of the 'last time', but because the people you are dealing with probably are, too.
Keep heart, diamonds are often found in mud.
If I were to compile the experiences, written in a less dry format, I would entitle them "Notes from the Wasteland--Dating after Divorce" or some thing pretty close to that.
Keep in mind, too that the objective was never to not pay for the date, but when a woman offers to buy a round of drinks it says something about her, whether that be an assertion of independance (financial or spiritual), a desire to not feel beholden to anyone, or just a friendly sense of partnership. If a guy accepts that offer, more than once in a while (too often--no hard and fast rules here either way), it might say a few things about him, too (sponge, lush, etc.).
Thankfully, I am now happily married--to a fine lady who had been a good friend for years--and still is my best friend.
There was none of the normal dating pretension--we had known each other for a long time, through thick and thin, ao no one was 'doing sales' and we could both relax.
It is a rich and rewarding marriage, where we both have diferent talents and compliment one another. We even think differently--she is intuitive, I analyze and deduct, but we almost always come up with the same answers. If not, we check our figuring. We have the same priorities, but we do not always agree. When we do not, we find a calm and civil way to work things out because we respect each other. Underlying that, and perhaps most important, we have an abiding faith in God, who will never hand you a problem without handing you the means to solve it, even though you may not immediately realize those means exist. The directions are there, some assembly required..
And it takes work at times, too. When you get a new car it smell new, is shiny, runs great. If you don't maintain it, it falls apart pretty fast. A marriage is much the same. Keep it clean inside and out, don't pick up strangers, change your oil regularly, and don't forget to get your chassis lubed at regular intervals...even the maintenance programs have parallels.
Most of all, some patience is required. You don't grow grocery shopping when you are hungry, be extra careful of starting a relationship just because you are lonely. Either way you can end up with a bunch of stuff you do not want. If you are not happy with yourself, you won't be happy with anyone else, so spend some time on you first.
Sorry to run on, but I think people misread what the 'test' was all about.
Not money, but attitudes, towards others, and towards themselves. It is easy for someone who is not really honest with themselves to say one thing, and even believe it, while doing another: actions speak loudest.
While this may seem crass to some, I make no claim to being perfect either, not now, and especially not then (I like to think I've improved over the years), but expect that women have their criteria and little 'tests' as well; the modern equivalent of the damsel dropping her handkerchief...
*
After are lifetime of watching the marriages of friends, family and acquaintances fail--there are some common follies.
There are many witches from hell out there. But the worst marriages I have seen, the ones to fall apart the quickest--were the ones where the man married a waistline. For every witch, there's a man who must marry that witch's waistline. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I've been assured by many men that this is most natural and desireable.
These are the guys who assure me that "gals don't do for nice guys." What they mean is that they can't see the nice gals who don't have the right physical attributes, but the witches who have the right ones won't give them the attention a nice guy deserves.
Frankly, the golddigging woman seems to have better sense than the guy who only wants a hip-to-waist ratio...
LMAO!
Don't they mean "Hoping to venture into [a] dark abyss"? ;-P
I have no idea. Why are you not surprised? Are you being snide? If so, why? I have done nothing to you.
Now why would you think that he was 600 miles away? Are you assuming that she was silly enough to call someone that far away to help her when she needed immediate assistance?
I beg your pardon? You assume too much, sir. I have never tried to change anyone. I have been unfortunate to meet some men who think that they can change me. One said he wanted to "tame" me and that I needed a "keeper." I could not run fast enough. I am not some wild animal.
I would never attempt to change anyone else. Why would I want to do such a thing? If I was attracted to a man and in love with him, why would I want to change the very person and the things about him that attracted me in the first place?
How about we induct you into the Ebeneezer Scrooge Society?
For the life of me I can't figure out why you are trying to annoy me.
On this dating stuff, I haven't had much success. I approach women and use my best Barry White voice but it just doesn't seem to work. It may be the Al Jolson face makeup I wear to get the true Barry White effect or it could also the fact that my wife hits me every time try it.
A. Barry White's voice is VERY creepy to me.
B. Al Jolson is even creepier.
C. Your wife knows this and that's why she hits you.
Silly boy. Use your best Al Jolson voice, Barry White makeup and your wife will stop hitting you & women will be throwing themselves at you. It's guaranteed!
Touche' but what happens when this is not the reasoning in divorce? You can plan a romantic week end and try to look and screw like you were 16. When it is gone it is gone.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.