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Good morning, jonny. For your reading pleasure:

So, Fantasia is introduced and...[drum roll please]...out comes a headless body! I think the body is singing, but am too fascinated by the sight of a headless body walking, that I don't really notice. Then the director switches shots and I discover that the headless body is none other than Fantasia -- a much heavier Fantasia stuffed into tight clothes and high boots.

I'm still mulling over her weight gain and wondering who messed up the opening of her act. Did she miss her marks? Or did someone screw up the intensity and/or placement of the lights behind her? In the meantime, she finally comes all the way out of the lights and is making noise.

Now Fantasia is into her typical schtick -- shoulders shaking up and down (not in time to the musical beat, but whatever), hopping up and down (harder to do with boots and extra weight, but good exercise), and bending at the hips like she has cramps or something.

The noise coming out of her mouth reinforces my thought that she must have cramps, because she's screeching and growling, hopping and spinning. While she turns her back to the audience, I notice her undies are showing, which just proves she's really into the latest fashions. This move made me lose my train of thought again.

My mind wandered to thoughts of the old vaudeville shows, where they would literally give the hook to a performer in such obvious distress. Heck, back then audiences, expecting to be entertained rather than screeched at, would have booed, hissed, and thrown rotten tomatoes at the stage. Sigh. Some things about the old days really were good.

But my mind snapped back to the present as Fantasia caterwauled her way to her -- dare I say it? -- climax. And, as is to be expected from modern-day audiences who wildly applaud any face they see on TV these days, everyone in the theater goes nuts. Fantasia is out of breath. And Ryan Seacrest breathlessly gushes, "Fantasia! That was fantastic!"

In the meantime, I'm still trying to figure out if whatever Fantasia was bellowing had any lyrics. Not a single word penetrated my brain, although I'm sure I'll remember the headless body thing forever.

So, there I am, catching my own breath, settling back into my pillows and thinking great, that's it for Fantasia. But instead, this paragon of musicality is asked to give this year's contestants some advice. Well, I've got to hand it to the girl. She reaches real deep into her soul and comes up with...[another drum roll please]..."Act ugly."

OOOO-kay. I'm too tired to wrap my mind around that one, so I go get a bottle of water. I return to the TV hopelessly depressed because I'm so out of touch with what so many of my fellow Americans obviously think is a superb musical performance. But as it turns out, all is well, because AI is ready to give the bum's rush to this week's bottom three. Fantasia (and commercials) took up so much of the half-hour, that the bottom three are hustled on and off so quick there was no room for the usual dose of weekly tears and false sorrow from the safe contestants.

Vonzell, you're safe. Scott, you're safe. Nikko, you're outta here. And backstage, they are loosening Fantasia's corsets so she can breathe again.

I had an inelegant thought about Fantasia last evening when the background behind her spelled out her name in a split fashion: FANT on one side, ASIA on the other. It was a trick of the mind, but I read it as FAT A**.

Oh...that was wicked good on Fantasia.

She bent and crouched as if she were severely constipated.

For your reading pleasure:

It was a pleasure to read—and worth the wait :)

out comes a headless body!

Wasn’t that odd??? You’d think they would’ve adjusted the lights during rehearsal, if they even had a rehearsal. Judging by Fantasia’s performance, I kinda doubt it.

Now Fantasia is into her typical schtick -- shoulders shaking up and down (not in time to the musical beat, but whatever),

LOL!

hopping up and down (harder to do with boots and extra weight, but good exercise), and bending at the hips like she has cramps or something.

ROFL!

While she turns her back to the audience, I notice her undies are showing, which just proves she's really into the latest fashions.

Normally, I’m all for seeing undies, but not in this case :o

My mind wandered to thoughts of the old vaudeville shows, where they would literally give the hook to a performer in such obvious distress. Heck, back then audiences, expecting to be entertained rather than screeched at, would have booed, hissed, and thrown rotten tomatoes at the stage

Sadly, screeching apparently is what passes for singing these days. I mentioned this last night, but don’t you think it’s strange that she sang a song that’s nearly a year old? Other returning contestants have taken this “homecoming” opportunity to premier a NEW single—in fact, all of them have done this, even poor Justin Guarini. But not Fantasia. Makes me wonder if her CD is so horrible that they had no choice but to dig up “I believe” and hope she could repeat her excellent post-victory performance from last season. Pffft, not even close.

And Ryan Seacrest breathlessly gushes, "Fantasia! That was fantastic!"

Well, it’s not like he could say, “Fantasia! That sucked!” :)

She reaches real deep into her soul and comes up with...[another drum roll please]..."Act ugly."

We have to give her credit there—she practices what she preaches. My advice to Fantasia, however, would be to hold on to all your money, because if you keep singing (screeching) like that the paying gigs are going to dry up—fast. Next thing you know you’ll be guest starring on some half-ass sitcom like “Life On A Stick”.

I return to the TV hopelessly depressed because I'm so out of touch with what so many of my fellow Americans obviously think is a superb musical performance.

If it’s any consolation, nobody on this thread thought it was good. And I seriously doubt that Fantasia has actually sold a “million” CDs. I bet that AI bought most of them in bulk just to boost record sales. They’re probably sitting in a warehouse somewhere right now, collecting dust.

Excellent (and hysterical) summary, Wolfstar. You’ve earned a Paula Abdul standing-O!!!