Posted on 12/20/2004 6:41:03 AM PST by kerouacbal
I am 26 years old and have been married for 2 years. I am having trouble growing up and I am driving my wife nuts. It has gotten to the point that my wife talks about divorce almost every day. I want to work this out more then I every wanted anything but I can't seem to do it or do it quick enough. I can't seem to remember consistently to do every day things like take out the garbage make sure all the doors are locked and the heat is off at night (there is a lot more but won't get into it all). I am posting this here to try to get some advise on how to help my self grow up and start to take care of my wife and son better like a husband should. My parents are dead and I don't have a close family member or friend to get advise from. Could someone please help me.
Won't be telling you much but what is already posted, but here goes.
Learn The Lord, get your Bible out study it and look for a Church that follows its teachings, and values its authority.
Trust me there aren't many.
Love your wife as Christ loved The Church and gave himself for it. That means putting her above everything but The Lord himself. It also means giving up on what you want (temporarily). If you give her all your time, attention, love, you will find her being responsive to your needs and it all works out. You will have the best life on this earth and so will she. Not to mention the example you will be giving your children. Imagine a life of very few problems, and knowing your children can have the same. Your life depends on it not only here but in the life to come.
Prayers.
it's like the diff between sipping a martini and gulping it down.
You and Speedo could start a whole new thread.
Re: She knows she's not perfect.
This guy's wife doesn't think she has any notable faults. She is self centered and up to this point the husband has sufficiently entertained her. Since the baby came along, he has failed to do that. She became bored and now has a boyfriend and is laying a guilt trip on the husband. She did the same thing when she was younger with dolls. She also treats the baby similarly.
She refuses counseling. Your right, the husband is not a bad father and husband, because he cares. The wife is self centered.
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood, ALL the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes.
Can't we all just get along? I mean really, I try and overlook my wife's failings, and I would hope she would overlook mine.
It's imperative that BOTH the poster and his wife need to realize that marriage is a two-way street.
And that is exactly the problem. Communication is very important in any human relationship. If you are unwilling to bear what shame you think will come from this, you will be unable to do what is needed to save this relationship. Marriage counselors are professionals who get people to communicate what they were originally unwilling to say to each other and to others who could help. When you sit down with her and explain to her that you are willing to do what it takes to save the marriage, what is her response? Do you get defensive? Is she willing to allow you to do what it takes? Being a man is recognizing where the needs of others are more important than your whims and taking the steps to meet their needs. The self-satisfaction in helping others and the natural rewards that humans extend when you have met their needs is all a real man needs in life. If you can't put the Playstation controller down or restrain yourself from constant play, you are not ready to be a man. From the lack of details about her specific complaints, I can't tell if she is being unreasonable or is feeling left out or has other plans and is trying to drive you away. Regardless, my above advice will be of help no matter the outcome. Stop playing and start listening - to words and the unspoken body language of life.
Not to get into details, but wife did something bad... expected me to forgive her for it... I did same exact thing...well not exact, did not do as much as she did... she refused to forgive me... I asked why. She said that it was in my nature to be forgiving and not in her nature. That I knew that when I married her.
So get a clue...you've got failings that you need to correct...your wife has lovable quirks that you have to accept.
Not enough info here to give advice, and I will tell you what, people here are not qualified to give it at any rate unless we have some genuine therapists out there. Go to counseling. I would seek the advice of a pro first and forget about the people here.
People who don't have these problems don't understand. But growing up is hard.
I don't really think I was truly "grown up" till I was about 30 years old.
My folks meant well but they allowed me to grow up with very little real responsibility. I spent my first 30 years of my life basically in pursuit of FUN and not much else mattered to me.
I was all about the sex, drugs & rock n' roll.
I eventually learned this for myself, after much heart ache, years and years of substance abuse and the near loss of my marriage to my highschool sweetheart wife.
Only you can make the change. If she loves you, she will allow you the time to change. You need to make sure you understand what exactly she is after. If it's reasonable then you must convince her that you're serious about making changes but make sure she understands that it's not likely to occure overnight.
Just make sure she knows you are trying.
If it's a simple matter of you remembering to do your share of the household chores then what others have said about making a list might help.
A marriage is a partnership though. Does she do HER part?
(BTW, I'm 45 and have been married for 26 years now..)
and I don't why I let that mean woman make me a fool
Took all my money
Wrecked my new car
Now she's with one a my good time buddies
drinkin in some cross town bar
Sometimes I feel
Sometimes I feel
Like I been tied to a whipping post,
Tied to a whipping post
Good Lord I feel like I'm dying
I could have written that, only I took till 40.
Yes, the child's interest above all. But one should remember that it is not a positive to teach a child that marriage is all about cowtowing or henpecking. That child will grow up and replicate its parent's marriage. Better show them a good one, or the child will suffer in marriage, too.
Divorced now 3 yrs. after 19 year marriage. Go figure. Skizioaffective Disorder, Bipolar, serious hormone swings....etc. you can never tell with a woman.....also, to you ladies, men can be just as bad (difficult).Sometimes women marry thinking they can change their man to fit their mold of their ideal man.....that is not realistic or loving in any respect. Hopefully, your wife knew how you are before you married.
She either loves you for who you are or she doesn't. Either way....good luck!!!
If she owns her problems as much as it looks like you are willing to own up to yours, you will do fine.
Next, I'm incredibly forgetful, too, and yes it drives my wife nuts, too (we've been married almost 14 years). My solution is "in your face" reminders -- everything from the old string around the finger and notes on the door to alarm clocks and automated reminders. Basically, figure out how to put a reminder right in your face so you'll think about what you are forgetting. It might mean putting three strings on your finger in the morning. The first might be to take out the garbage, the second might be to lock the door, and so on. If you still have a string on your finger, you've forgotten something. And have a list to refer to if you can't remember what you are forgetting.
On that we agree 1000% percent.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.