Posted on 12/20/2004 6:41:03 AM PST by kerouacbal
Sometimes it takes more then a few years to figure this all out though...: )) Men are simple....they really have very few needs they need met......
Was totally worth sticking it out..
13 years and going great : )
Divorce shouldn't be in any discussion, unless you are an alcoholic, wife beater, or an adulterer etc, but it doesn't sound like it.
Divorce isn't an option if you guys got up in front of a churchful of witnesses and gave solemn vows before God and man.
Advice to wife:
Pray.
Keep your vow, keep your integrity.
Suck it up on the small crap and work through it.
Be patient and loving and don't belittle. Gently remind.
Advice to husband:
Pray.
Do your best.
Pay attention to details.
Don't accept lame, disrespectful labels.
Devise a system for wherever you fail, in writing. Do it.
Advice to both:
Pray. Together and often.
Be respectful to each other.
Pray. Together and often.
If divorce is off the table as an option you have no choice but to work thru problems.
In my marriage the roles are reversed from you guys. My wife dissappoints in many key areas, but divorce is not an option and never enters into the discussion, ever.
I am having trouble growing up and I am driving my wife nuts.
ROTFLMAO!
Exactly. My wife and I have certainly been through a few rough spots in 8 years of marriage. But neither one of us have ever used the "D" word. I cannot see someone using that word on a daily basis really wanting the marriage to work.
Check your diet. If you're not eating right, your mind and body are not functioning they way they should.
Check your activity level. If you're not getting exercise, your mind and body are not functioning they way they should (even at age 26).
If you're eating correctly and getting exercise and still feel this way, get yourself to a doctor. There may be other problems between you and your wife, but diet and exercise will get you to the point you can deal with them.
Just leave enough insurance for your family. Not that the money can replace you, but it may be all they get......
maybe you need to appreciate the finer thing about riding - a curve well executed, the smell of newmown hay, flowers, the sunlight coming from overhead, the wind in your beard. them's the real rush - the rest is pseudomachismo.
it isn't about the "rush" it's about the ride. if you need to experience a "rush" when you ride, you aren't really riding, you're substituting riding for something else. adults dont' need a "rush" they find pleasures everywhere.
do your wheelies off road - dirt is softer than pavement. maybe someday you'll understand.
it's like the realization that marriage isn't about sex. Sex is an important part, true, but the whole enchilada encompasses much, much more. Riding is about more than a simple rush.
cheers, my friend, and ride responsibly.
You can find God on your own. Believe me, I know.
It's not religion, it's spirtuality.
It's recognizing that we are not in total control, but only have free will.
My wife is truly an Angel.
She firmly believes in self-help.
She's the reason I can say 14 years, 11 months, 20 days and counting. One day at a time.
Your wife either wants to be married, or she doesn't.
Was the baby planned? or did someone forget to take precautions?
1. Forget all the other advice you've gotten here.
2. Stop fearing divorce and admit it could be best for all concerned including your child.
3. The fundamental reason your wife gets so flippin' mad about chores you forget is that deep down inside she fears she is an unloveable bitch (she is not; this is a myth that she propogates in order to defend herself), so therefore she feels that she has to "do" a lot of things to prove she is worthy of love. So quite naturally, she assumes that when you forget to "do" things, you do not love her. The sad irony here is that her reaction to your forgotten chores is so extreme that she actually is making it more difficult for you to love her. Your secret and innermost fear is that you are a loser (you are not; this is a myth that you propogate in order to defend yourself). You express love by being sweet and open and inviting and respectful, by NOT being hyper-critical. Her freaking about things you've forgotten reinforces your fear (myth)and makes this situation untenable.
3. What can you do? Confess your fear to your wife, and hope she does the same. With some mutual understanding, she can see that you love her alot even if you forget to take out the trash. And you can see that her "doing" stuff is her way to express her love for you.
Stop trying to "save" your marriage and start telling your wife the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Right now, you are too scared to be up front with her because you fear divorce (mainly becasue it would reinforce your fear of being a loser). Your wife can work on understanding that you express your love for her differently, and she needs to start expressing her "truth" more diplomatically in order to have a relationship.
If your wife does not work, then this process will be especially difficult for her, becausue she does not feel like being a stay-at-home mom (is she? I could not read all these posts. Too painful!) is "doing" enough. This reinforces her fear (myth).
4. If you go to counseling, you will spend thousands of dollars to uncover what I just told you for free.
I can't imagine what good advice you will get from a minister other than prayers (which can work).
Don't go to counseling alone. That's stupid.
You don't have ADD or whatever. That's stupid.
The key to your marriage is not you remembering to take out the trash. That's shallow and stupid.
5. Also, it would be helpful right now if you confessed to yourself that you and your wife made an extremely difficult choice when you got married. You can work it out, but only if both of you have the courage to tell each other about your innermost fear (myth) and NOT use it against each other. Stop doing stuff that provokes your wife's fear (myth). Assure her you love her in ways that are natural for you (hint: it doesn't involve "doing" things).
6. Again, stop fearing divorce. It might be best. It might not. But fearing it will cause you to act out of fear and not out of love. Acting out of fear will demoralize you and make you feel like more of a loser than you already do.
7. Ultimately, you will have to confront your fear of being a loser head-on, the sooner the better. You are not a loser, you just think you are, and whenever your wife is a bitch you grow ever more fearful.
Whenever responsibility comes up I just go back to bed
Find God. The rest will take care of itself.
And kerouacbal goes to the internet.
My two cents:
Counseling, church, and friends who are supportive of your marriage. Talk to older people who are happily married, they have so much untapped wisdom and experience.
Marriage Encounter through the Catholic Church.
Books: Love is a Decision or For Better or For Best by Gary Smalley; The Five Love Languages by Chapman; Maximized Manhood by Edwin L. Cole; Disciplines of a Godly Man by Hughes;
Leave a list on your bathroom mirror of the chores you're supposed to do and DO THEM!!!
Pray together.Families who diligently pray together stay together. If you're not doing that, start off slow, and grow from there.
Ask people to pray for you, there are tons of prayer websites where you can ask for prayer - that is very powerful. And leave it in God's hands, he'll meet you half way, but you have to work as well, it can't just be all Him.
Good luck.
Well, if it makes you feel any better, her better-selling books are "10 Stupid Things Women do to Screw Up their Lives" and "The Care and Feeding of a Husband."
In my view, most of her message is that women have become whiny, spoiled, and disrespectful of their husbands in general.
Typical response from a former(?) hippie.
(just kidding) /heavy sarcasm
Can you depend on her for anything other than a daily dressing down? If this were the other way around she'd have you in Probate Court for mental abuse. She has you believing that you are worthless.
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