Honestly, yes, it's better than most of what's out there. I'm unfortunately not sure precisely where you should edit. Tighten things up, certainly, and make some of it less - obvious is not the right word. Less foreshadowed, maybe.
Ok, we'll make a deal: I'll try to get something ready for publishing (not this story; this one's got to be perfect) if you do the same...
Deal! I have no idea how to go about it, as I've said...but we can share what we find out on the subject, no?
And I'll keep your suggestions in mind when I start into serious editing. I won't have time to really start hacking it apart before Christmas, of course, but there's nothing that says I have to cast it aside after that.
Or I may start another story. Dunno! But in any case, here's extending a cyber handshake on our mutual goal! ;-)