I mostly just wanted help with the narrative. And this late in the game, there's not much that can be done, I know.
I tend to be too verbose. If I were writing this for anything real, a lot of scenes would need to be scrapped, I think.
IMO - and I'm only about five chapters in - the narrative works really well for the sort of story you're telling. It is verbose, yes. But that works with this style. Heck, think about "The Hobbit" - that's overly verbose in places.
So far it works pretty well. I've found maybe three errata that aren't part of the story. The only scene so far I might cut is the ruined brownies/Mother's pie story. Unless that is going to be important later.