The Guild 4-26-2004 Right-wing laugh riot

Washington Times ^ | 11-6-2003 | Laura Vanderkam

[BigWaveBetty]

One night last summer, radio host Larry Elder beckoned his listeners to the Ha Ha Cafe in North Hollywood to film a documentary lampooning liberal film maker Michael Moore.

Intrigued, producer Eric Peterkofsky showed up for the night's comedy. He listened as comic Jeff Wayne headlined the event with right-wing jokes rarely heard in comedy shows.

[lodwick]

A Good Year For The Roses: George Jones

I can hardly bear the sight of lipstick on the cigarettes there in the ashtray.
Lyin' cold the way you left them but at least your lips caressed them while you packed.
And a lip print on a half-filled cup of coffee that you poured and didn't drink.
But at least you thought you wanted it an' that's so much more than I can say for me.

It's been a good year for the roses,
Many blooms still linger there.
The lawn could stand another mowin':
Funny, I don't even care.
When you turned to walk away,
And as the door behind you closes,
The only thing I know to say:
It's been a good year for the roses.

After three full years of marriage it's the first time that you haven't made the bed.
I guess the reason we're not talkin': there's so little left to say, we haven't said.
An' while a million thoughts go runnin' through my mind, I find I haven't spoke a word.
And from the bedroom, the familiar sound of our one baby's cryin', goes unheard.

But what a good year for the roses,
Many blooms still linger there.
The lawn could stand another mowin':
Funny, I don't even care.
And when you turned to walk away,
As the door behind you closes,
The only thing I know to say:
It's been a good year for the roses.

[Timeout]

As a journalist, you can appreciate a writer burying the lede. Here's a funny twist on that.

Robert Sam Anson writes an article in today's NY Observer totally supporting Kerry's anti-war days. Anson was there, they were friends. Anson was a writer for TIME magazine, covering the protests. He admonishes us about how brave it was for Kerry to come home and do the things he did.

Anson opens with an anecdote about how Kerry came down to the mall where all the verterans were sleeping one night. He taps Anson and tells him to "follow me". Anson follows him to a waiting Mercedes where Kerry has gathered several vets. He tells them he has a better place for them to sleep and whisks them off to a posh Georgetown townhouse. They put their feet up on the expensive furniture and drink the absent owner's brandy into the night. That Kerry's a great guy.

How did Anson bury the lede? Kerry has vociferously denied over the years that he slept in a Georgetown townhouse while the vets slept on the mall. Anson has inadvertantly disclosed another Kerry fib! LOL!

Anson: http://www.observer.com/pages/frontpage2.asp
_______________________________________________________

Could it be that the Kerry campaign pre-planned all this...dump out all the bad stuff in a 3 day cycle? Hope Kerry will look like a victim, then move on?

[Iowa Granny]

Could it be that the Kerry campaign pre-planned all this...dump out all the bad stuff in a 3 day cycle? Hope Kerry will look like a victim, then move on?

In this day and age, anything is possible.

I just don't think Kerry is suicidal. He's too arrogant to be suicidal. Therefore I don't think he's behind this stuff. And from what I've read he really has his campaign people harnessed down, so I can't think they would have done it without his blessings.

Anyone who would release all this cr@p inside a week would have to be described as a Political Riverboat Gambler. If what I've been reading is true, Kerry is extremely anal retentive. Riverboat Gambing is not his style.

[mountaineer]

I don't know. It seems all this Vietnam veteran stuff is hitting Kerry and he's left mumbling about Republicans and calling Bush a chickenhawk, when it's clearly the left-leaning media, e.g., the Charlie Gibson interview, and just plain folks like us who are raising the issues. The Republicans traditionally lack the cojones for such "attacks." It still smells like the Clintons to me.

[Timeout]

I was just kidding!

If Kerry'd had any inkling what this week would be like, he would've taken another vacation.

[Iowa Granny]

We need an icon to show "tongue in cheek"

[Iowa Granny]

Is Renwick anywhere near your farm? I must be a total fool. My men are in despirate need of additional seed treatment stuff. I have agreed to get up early in the morning and drive there and return home, 8 hrs roundtrip, before I race to the airport to head for Austin.

[mountaineer]

I was just kidding!

As IG said, anything's possible. This entire election process this year is something out of Bizarro World.

[lodwick]

Lord, you will be dead by the time you arrive here.

No Renwick here.
We're about 30 minutes NE of Mason City...

[mountaineer]

Jim Quinn was saying this a.m. that John O'Neil, the Navy vet who appeared with Kerry on Dick Cavett's show in 1971, really is speaking out now, and he says that a lot of the men with whom Kerry served in Vietnam are going to do the same. Example: On Kerry's website, he supposedly brags about his heroism during a particular incident aboard his swift boat. O'Neil and others are saying JFK wasn't even on the boat on the date he claims.

[mountaineer]

Page Six reports:

A POLITICALLY-charged disaster movie about global warming is burning up the George Bush campaign, while John Kerry backers hope "The Day After Tomorrrow" will sway eco-conscious voters to their side. The partisan swirl surrounding the $125 million thriller is underscored by Al Gore's decision to hold a huge environmental rally just a few blocks away from the May 24 premiere at the Museum of Natural History. [Mr. Irrelevant rides again]

Directed by "Independence Day" helmer Roland Emmerich, "The Day After Tomorrow" follows the onset of a new Ice Age just three days after the polar ice caps melt because of smokestack and tailpipe gas emissions. The flick, which stars Dennis Quaid and Jake Gyllenhaal, features the flooding and freezing of New York and giant tornadoes ripping through Los Angeles.

In addition to the rally, hosted by Bush-bashing political group Moveon.org, volunteers will be recruited to hand out global warming brochures titled "Could This Really Happen?" at theaters.

"'The Day After Tomorrow' presents us with a great opportunity to talk about the scientific realities of climate change," Gore said in a statement to Daily Variety's Gabriel Snyder. "Millions of people will be coming out of theaters on Memorial Day weekend asking the question, 'Could this really happen?'"

While the ecological catastrophes depicted in the flick are nearly impossible to imagine happening in the near future, it hasn't stopped the Bush administration from treating the would-be blockbuster with caution. The Times reported that NASA ordered its scientists not to comment about "Day" because of fears that it could hurt Bush politically. [Anyone believe this?] Moveon.org executive director Peter Schurman says "Day" is "the movie George Bush doesn't want you to see."

Bush spokesman Terry Holt fumed: "It's typical of Al Gore to not be able to separate fact from fiction. I think Gore's attempt at political mischief-making is just an attempt to get attention for himself. People know what they're watching is entertainment, and not grounded in basic scientific fact."

[Timeout]

Have y'all read this op-ed by David Brooks in the NY Times?...

LOOKING THROUGH KEYHOLES
(Registration req'd, but free. If you want to use my sign-in freepmail me.)

It's an awesome deconstruction of the "nabob-ism" of the current Washington press corps. It expresses contempt in a way I haven't seen anywhere else.

[mountaineer]

Very good column:

And for the past 10 days, all of Washington has been kibitzing over the contents of Bob Woodward's latest opus, which largely concerns events that happened between 2001 and 2003. Did President Bush eye somebody else's dinner mint at a meeting? Was Colin Powell in the loop on Iraq? When did Bush ask the Pentagon to draw up war plans?

This is crazy. This is like pausing during the second day of Gettysburg to debate the wisdom of the Missouri Compromise. We're in the midst of the pivotal battle of the Iraq war and le tout Washington decides not to let itself get distracted by the ephemera of current events.

[lodwick]

These are the crucial months in Iraq. The events in Najaf and Falluja will largely determine whether Iraq will move toward normalcy or slide into chaos.
***
And what is the definition of "normalcy" for Iraq? A cobbled-together invention of the Brits whose residents delighted in hating and killing each other until they found other targets to hate and shoot.

[BigWaveBetty]

[Mr. Irrelevant rides again]

If you ever get the chance to freep algore that brilliant comment must become a sign.

"the movie George Bush doesn't want you to see."

The sure fire phrase to get dem kooks to pack the theater.

[BigWaveBetty]

OWWWWch, that's gonna leave a mark.

Poor David Brooks, he's always the lone conservative voice on that Sunday show with Chris Matthews.

[lodwick]

What a computer should do...just type in your name

[Hillary's Lovely Legs]

SADDAM CELEBRATES Saddam Hussein turned 67 on Wednesday. His U.S. captors made him the appropriate cake. It was devil's food.



SENATOR KERRY John Kerry is on the campaign trail. He describes his marriage to Teresa Heinz as one of give and take. She gives him an allowance and he takes it.

DOWNEY DIVORCE Robert Downey Junior his filed for divorce from model Deborah Falconer. Earlier in their marriage he was always on the road. Cleaning up the side of it.





AIRLINE ACHES US Airways lost 117 million dollars during the first quarter of 2004. Passengers aren't going to like the airline's new austerity measures. The in-flight entertainment features shadow puppets.

OLDS OUT The last Oldsmobile rolls off the assembly line Thursday in Michigan. The final car to be built comes with a factory guarantee. Five years, 50,000 rattles.
(Alan Ray - araycomedy.com)

Jacko Firing Michael Jackson fired defense lawyers Mark Geragos and Benjamin Brafman because he says they didn't give his case enough personal attention. Geragos and Brafman say while they were willing to meet with Jackson night and day to work on the case, they couldn't help but decline when Jackson kept asking them to sleep over.

Mama Hilton Paris Hilton's mother Kathy will star in her own reality series for NBC called "The Good Life." But TV experts say Mrs. Hilton was a better fit for the upcoming MTV series, "Pimp my Daughter."

Clinton Book Bill Clinton's long-awaited memoirs will be published in June with an initial printing of 1.5 million copies, which beats out Hillary Clinton's first printing of 1 million books. But that's because half the pages of Bill's books will be stuck together.

Yellow Submarine for Kids The Beatles' cartoon "Yellow Submarine" is being adapted into a children's book. It will be called: "Mommy and Daddy Used to Get Stoned."

[Hillary's Lovely Legs]

E-mail to Candidate John F. Kerry

From James (Cooter) Thompson

Dear Senator Kerry:

I am Designated Letter Writer for the guys down to Daryl's Bait Shop here in Lagniappe, Louisiana. We have been shaking our heads over your stumbling campaign. It ain't so much we like you or your Party, but you are a fellow American, born in the U S of A, so we don't want you to disgrace yourself. Here are 10 helpful hints we have worked up for you. (More if you want them. Let us know.)

1 We know you served in Nam. You'd do yourself a favor if you didn't keep mentioning it every time someone pokes a microphone in your face. Geez, it was 35 years ago you did that for what was it, four months? Some of us Daryl's Bait Shop guys spent more time than that on chow lines.

2 Get your stories straight. Admit you threw your or someone's medals and/or ribbons over the Capitol fence in '71, and you went touring around with Jane Fonda, and you testified falsely to atrocities by US troops. You ought to say that was all a youthful mistake. We've made a few. We'll understand.

3 It's OK, you can talk French to French reporters if you want to, we don't mind. Smilin' Jack Boudreau can speak French, and we elected him Chief of the Lagniappe Volunteer Fire Company. We're not bigots. We call 'em as we see 'em, make up our minds.

4 Sen. Kerry, why aren't you touting your good luck in snaggin, not one, but two, rich wives? Here at Daryl's we often wonder what it would be like to have a really rich wife. We speculate just how big a bass boat we could buy, along with one of those new Dodge Hemi trucks to pull it to the crick. Smilin Jack always points out how it's his cousins, Marvin and Dickweed who appear in those Dodge Hemi commercials but still they can't afford one of their own. We chuckle how we could be fishin all day with nary a worry about where the money is coming from. You don't have to cook that ketchup, do you? Come on, show the world how lucky you are. We here in the South respect achievement and don't begrudge someone's good fortune even if he's a politician.

5 Me and Boudreau wonder why you aren't going to the wrasslin matches to get votes? We've seen videotape of you on the ski slopes. You got some good moves, looks like you already know how to take a fall. All us here (except Freddie Dobbs and Herm Harrison) are great fans of wrasslin. Not that we'd vote for you just because you was one. Armen Yazoo is a wrasslin maniac, but none of us would vote for him even if he was running only for dogcatcher. So you got to tread easy on showing you're Joe Sixpack who just happened to go to Swiss prep school and St. Paul's School and Yale College Skull & Bones. We'd see through that pose in about a minute and a half and mark you for a hypocritical windbag and general liar. You needn't go to the trouble of hanging a black velvet Elvis oil painting in any of your living rooms. Weren't none of us recently fell off a turnip truck.

6 Tell us something you're for. We already know what you're against.

7 We ain't all that impressed with the UN and we don't know why you keep bowing in its direction, promising you will go there first thing if you are elected President of this country. Is there anything the UN has ever done right? Didn't they make a royal mess of that Iraq oil-for-food program, millions skimmed off just happened to land in their personal bank accounts? Seems to us they spend around 98 percent of their time passing resolutions that don't add up to a hill of beans.

8 If you're for lower gasoline prices in the morning, don't be proposing a 50 cents a gallon tax boost on gasoline in the afternoon. Saying one thing in Shreveport and the opposite in Baton Rouge don't inspire us with confidence with you as President. Maybe you should stay in the Senate where you got 99 other guys to share the responsibility with.

9 We got indoor privies, color TV, cell phones, and computers. Give us some credit for brains and understanding. We know economic conditions are good and getting better. Your telling us we're miserable, deluded fools just won't fly. And it gives us the eerie feeling that you're hoping for a relapse into recession to help your electoral chances.

10 You have beaten all your Democratic opponents in all the primaries and caucuses held so far. Yet you seem out of touch with your party and with America. Maybe you've been a pol too long, been campaigning too long and you need a break before the Convention. We all think the best thing you can do is haul out your Harley, put TeRAYza on the pillion and take off for the Sturgis South Dakota Bike Rally. Meet the folks. A few of us from Daryl's will be there. You don't have to get tattooed.

Sincerely,

Cooter

(with the considerable assistance of J. Boudreau and B. Bass)

[Timeout]

We chuckle how we could be fishin all day with nary a worry about where the money is coming from. You don't have to cook that ketchup, do you?

That's a hoot!

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