Posted on 04/05/2004 6:36:54 PM PDT by KneelBeforeZod
Everyone thinks Nirvana was the best thing to happen to pop music since Gerry & the Pacemakers.
Well, what about the part where they were responsible for Britney Spears and the return of teen-pop because they made everyone so miserable?
And who do you think is responsible for the Backstreet Boys, Bush, the Iraq war, gonorrhea, Avril Lavigne and everything else bad?
Looking back, Nirvana was just as useless as Adam and the Ants. So here's how Kurt and Co. ruined the world ...
... For Britney Spears: Before Nirvana, the battle lines were clearly drawn. The cool people liked the Pixies and Replacements, everyone else was a bunch of jerks. But after "Smells Like Teen Spirit" everything fell apart. Suddenly Terence Trent D'Arby fans were buying up copies of "Zen Arcade" and rock became pop -- fooling people into thinking that Hanson and Britney Spears were actually respectable. That or they just got tired of all the loud guitars and endless moaning.
... For Puddle of Mudd: About four hours after "Nevermind" came out, so did the clones. No one thought it could get any shoddier than Stone Temple Pilots, but then Bush arrived. Yet those thinking the worst was over were dead wrong -- there was still the wrath of the other bald tattooed men moaning about their miserable childhoods in bands like Staind, Puddle of Mudd and Creed. And what about the Vines? That's like if someone took Kurt Cobain's DNA sample, dropped it on the floor in some lint, and still made a clone anyway. Messed up.
... For Courtney Love: If Nirvana never got famous, then she wouldn't have married Kurt Cobain, he wouldn't have helped her write all the songs on Hole's breakthrough album, "Live Through This," and no one would have cared that she was such a desperate attention freak with a bad dye job and implants. But instead of fading into obscurity along with L7 and Bikini Kill, now we're forced to read about her antics every week in "Teen People."
... For Dave Grohl: He's the most boring rock star on the planet. Sure, he plays in every band from the Queens of the Stone Age to Probot, but imagine how wonderful the world would be without the dreary generic toss of the Foo Fighters. It's almost like that guy from the Lemonheads getting totally famous and making millions upon millions of dollars for sounding just like Blind Melon. It's just plain unfair. Plus he looks like Cojo.
... For flannel shirts: Here's a good idea -- let's all dress like lesbian trailer-park lumberjacks. Operating under the mistaken impression that rock stars should look poorer than their audiences, Nirvana dressed like hobos, inspiring everyone from Soul Asylum on down to follow suit. If the Spice Girls had never arrived, then our celebrities may have never gone back to a more respectable wardrobe of spandex and leather. Bless their hearts.
... For guitars: Before Nirvana arrived, everyone knew music after the year 2000 would totally be technological and rad -- just robots playing crazy drum 'n' bass with androids singing over it. People were totally sick of hearing lousy guitar rock by Eric Clapton and Tom Petty. But then Nirvana made guitars popular again, opening the gates for bands like the White Stripes and Nickelback to exist now. If it weren't for Bjork, we might as well all still be cavemen right now.
(Excerpt) Read more at sfgate.com ...
The eco-generation left an environmental nightmare behind.
Altamont and the Isle of Wight festivals came with their own problems.
Like Teen People would ever get it right anyway. If not Courtney it would be Britney or even Brabra Streisand moaning about President Bush.
...For Guitars: [snip] But then Nirvana made guitars popular again, opening the gates for bands like the White Stripes and Nickelback to exist now.
It may have been written in the spirit of satire but good satire has it's origins in truth. The White Stripes would still exist. They get their lead from Billy Childish, not Kurt Cobain. Just because American fools don't know who Billy is, he still is celebrated in England and elsewhere for having released 100 albums since 1978.
Love your way with words by the way.
But, like a lot of people my age (mid thirties), I actually grew up drinking beer at bonfires listening to the real thing: seventies album rock. I'll take "Won't Get Fooled Again" over "Teen Spirit" as my anthem any day.
I have decided to refute this tripe with a photo presentation, of sorts, to help articulate my points. Enjoy!
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... For Courtney Love: If Nirvana never got famous, then she wouldn't have married Kurt Cobain, he wouldn't have helped her write all the songs on Hole's breakthrough album, "Live Through This," and no one would have cared that she was such a desperate attention freak with a bad dye job and implants. But instead of fading into obscurity along with L7 and Bikini Kill, now we're forced to read about her antics every week in "Teen People."
After seeing a rerun of Howard Stern's E! show last week while channel surfing, I can't disagree. This broad, and I use that term loosely here, is seriously out of her mind. The world would be better off without her. The only thing she ever got right was "Courtney Love Does The Math", her slam on record labels, their treatment of artists and fans, and the mp3 trading world.
... For Dave Grohl: He's the most boring rock star on the planet. Sure, he plays in every band from the Queens of the Stone Age to Probot, but imagine how wonderful the world would be without the dreary generic toss of the Foo Fighters.
Alright, with this I have to take offense. A skilled musician, looking back it was probably Grohl who enabled Nirvana to get as huge as they did. No doubt he had a large creative influence over the songwriting (for better or worse). In regards to playing with the Queens Of The Stone Age, I really only have one thing to say:
The Queens of the Stone Age kicks ass. With or without Dave Grohl. Period. (See QOTSA live at Reading Festival 2001).
It's almost like that guy from the Lemonheads getting totally famous and making millions upon millions of dollars for sounding just like Blind Melon. It's just plain unfair. Plus he looks like Cojo.
Indeed, Evan Dondo was kind of lame. I say this as I have a copy of "Come On Feel The Lemonheads" sitting on my desk. What can I say? "Rick James Style" kicks ass.
... For Mudhoney: Has there ever been a worse band in the history of humankind than Mudhoney? Yes, Sonic Youth. Either way, no one would have heard about either of them or bought their records -- only to sell them back for a fraction of the price at Amoeba -- if it weren't for Nirvana. Expecting a continuation of "Nevermind," people flocked to these grunge hangers-on, cluttering their CD collections with a bunch of under-produced, tuneless junk. Thanks a lot, Screaming Trees.
Oh boy, where to begin? Firstly, Mudhoney were pioneers. "My Brother The Cow" is still one of my favorites. Sonic Youth is also excellent, they were East Coast pioneers. Screaming Trees, another great band. Mark Lanagan enjoyed a 2 year stint in Queens of The Stone Age as well. (Am I sensing a theme here?) The author of this piece obviously hates everything that is cool. I'm surprised he didn't just come right out and start making fun of Husker Du and Bob Mould while they were at it! He already took pot-shots at the Pixies and the Replacements!
Not too much flannel there...
... For guitars: Before Nirvana arrived, everyone knew music after the year 2000 would totally be technological and rad -- just robots playing crazy drum 'n' bass with androids singing over it. People were totally sick of hearing lousy guitar rock by Eric Clapton and Tom Petty. But then Nirvana made guitars popular again, opening the gates for bands like the White Stripes and Nickelback to exist now. If it weren't for Bjork, we might as well all still be cavemen right now.
Rad? RAD? If some whiny rock critic ever described my band as "rad" I'd probably mail him a hate letter. Well, I'll give him Bjork. And also, both Nickleback and the White Stripes are jokes, sick twisted jokes played out on us by evil, evil people. But, if it's both guitars and robots the author craves, maybe we'll call in an old standby:
A big HELL YEAH for the Desert Sessions!
'Cept maybe Pelican from Chicago.
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