Spouse Moved Out and I am Picking Up the Pieces, How did you manage starting out again

11.19.03 | self

[Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done]

You know me by another name. This is too personal but I value Freeper advice. My husband has been gone for about 6 months and today he moved into a house he bought. The story is long, difficult and really not important. What is important is that I have to somehow manage the house, the children, the homeschooling and work. I have been on overdrive for two + years working full time and homeschooling. Prior to that our family spent close to three years ducking and recovering from the bombs my husband ignited in our lives.I am exhausted and need Freeper Wisdom and encouragement.

[Sabertooth]

Stay away from anyone who's bitter about their own divorce or marriage. They'll want to "help" you by indulging your (and their) need to vent... but endlessly.

You need people who will listen, but who will also have the wisdom to know when to tell you "enough."

[bvw]

Get a counselor even before you get a lawyer. You'll probably need both, but first get the advice of a marriage counselor -- advice more general and germane to your personal situation than that which a lawyer will or should provide.

[Mercat]

Praise Jesus through the pain.. pretend he's dead and if he provides support in any way consider it a gift and a blessing and move on with your life. God bless you and good luck.

[11B3]

OLD??? You sound younger than me, and I don't consider myself "old".

[Mercat]

Praise Jesus through the pain.. pretend that the husband is dead and if he provides support in any way consider it a gift and a blessing and move on with your life. God bless you and good luck.

[Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done]

What makes you say that?

Because he is a troubled but basicly good man and my children are devestated at the loss of the Daddy. I would crawl over miles of broken glass to give them and intact home, but after the distance I have come so far, I have to stop.

[Prime Choice]

First, my heart and prayers go out to you and your children. You've got a difficult road ahead.

Second, if you're not going to reconcile, you should see about how to handle the divorce. You may not wish to get alimony, but you will want to get child support.

Third, starting over is something that everybody does differently. When I had to do it, I made it a point to set some time aside (even if only a little) doing or having something I liked. For me, it was spoiling myself once a week with some expensive coffee (Kona) and a video rental.

Do you have family and friends living close to you? Are you active in the church of your choice? If so, now's a good time to let them know that you're going to need their support. Especially with the holidays coming up.

I'm hoping you're also talking about all this with your kids...

[Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done]

We have a legal separation in the works. Everything is worked out. I get the houses and he gets his retirement accout.

[kidd]

You sound exhausted.

I find that it is rare (but good) that a female would ask for advice. Having been in a similar (but different) situation, I suggest:

You need to make time for yourself. Look for a divorce support group. Preferably one associated with a Christian church. If you find a good one, you will have some fun and will start looking forward to the meetings, maybe groups will go out afterwards. I did, and I'm still friends with several of the people I met there.

I think I would consider your case special. A stressed out mom may not be a good teacher. If the public schools in your area are tolerable, perhaps a year or two of public school would not be so bad for the kiddos. Give you time to get your feet on the ground.

[hellinahandcart]

There is no clarity.

There will be.

In the interim, some of your kids are old enough to learn the real meaning of CHORES. You can't do it all yourself.

[Castlebar]

I am in prayer daily. I believe but I seem to be alone at this time. There is no clarity.

You are NOT ALONE. Want a great help: the 23rd Psalm.

This too shall pass. Wonderful and happy days are ahead of you.

And you are in the company of a really remarkable on-line community.

[Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done]

I am adding an appartment for extra income. I have extra space, perhaps I can find someone to help me with the house/kids for room and board.

[livius]

Prayers for you and your kids.

Find a good attorney. Most of us don't have many dealings with attorneys, other perhaps than real estate attorneys, but what you are looking for is somebody who will fight aggressively for you and your kids. I don't know your financial circumstances (or his), but your priority now is to keep your family together and assure the kids' support.

Don't be vindictive - although I don't get the feeling that you are - and don't argue over small things. Give him the toaster if he really wants it, but keep the kids.

[Born in a Rage]

Look in the Phone Book under Womens Services - Social Services and there will be lots of Womens help groups willing to help you get on your feet and cope with the situation.

[Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done]

You and your children have my prayers for your best welfare.

Thank you....that is a blessing.

[shaggy eel]

,,, I went thru the hoops in December 1994 and it took three and a half years to get a cent out of the home I was kicked out of. Access to my kids was precluded by her lawyers for no good reason and I paid my lawyer $NZ230 an hour plus GST (state tax) for what seemed like an eternity.

Like you, my story is long. I've stopped dragging it with me now but there was a time when I was a conniseur of two minute noodles and I spent too much time wondering what lay ahead in life. I remarried in February 2002 and we're very happy. No bad situation lasts forever. I will say that the one thing that remains and is stronger than ever is my faith in God. He put people in my path and opportunities in my way when the time was right. You simply don't have that sort of luck at casinos that consistently. When the worst of the worst was upon me, the only stable things in my life seemed to be a cellphone number and a post box address. Have faith and know that light at the end of the tunnel will result. Spend as much time as possible with your kids and make sure you never slag your ex in front of them. That makes you a strong person.

[new cruelty]

I am exhausted and need Freeper Wisdom and encouragement.

Its not a lot of help, but here are some lyrics from U2 (hey, its a good song).
Hang it there, pray, and try to have a positive attitude.
Gotta run... supper is on. : )

"Stuck In A Moment"

I'm not afraid
Of anything in this world
There's nothing you can throw at me
That I haven't already heard

I'm just trying to find
A decent melody
A song that I can sing
In my own company

I never thought you were a fool
But darling look at you
You gotta stand up straight
Carry your own weight
These tears are going nowhere baby

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And now you can't get out of it

Don't say that later will be better
Now you're stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

I will not forsake
The colors that you bring
The nights you filled with fireworks
They left you with nothing

I am still enchanted
By the light you brought to me
I listen through your ears
Through your eyes I can see

And you are such a fool
To worry like you do
I know it's tough
And you can never get enough
Of what you don't really need now
My, oh my

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

Oh love, look at you now
You've got yourself stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

I was unconscious, half asleep
The water is warm 'til you discover how deep

I wasn't jumping, for me it was a fall
It's a long way down to nothing at all

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

Don't say that later will be better
Now you're stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if our way should falter
Along the stony pass

And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if your way should falter
Along this stony pass

It's just a moment
This time will pass

[dandelion]

The very first thing you must do is go look in the mirror; tell the woman in the mirror that God has a plan for her, His beloved child, and it WILL BE DONE.

The second thing you need to do is understand that YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE IT.

You will not die, you will not break, but you are going to cry and you are going to hurt like hell. Then, you are going to get over it because your life is going to get better. For real. I know, because it happened to me.

I am praying for you right now. From your lofty vantage point in the future, you are looking back at yourself and remembering this moment:

"If only I knew then, how precious my life would be, if only I could have seen how God himself was holding me during that time; if only I had known that God himself was leading me, with my little lambs, to a pasture He Himself had chosen...

You will look back at this moment, and you will fall on your knees and praise God for His never ending love...

[NittanyLion]

You should get yourself a counselor, friend, or priest who can listen to your entire story and help you based upon your situation. Folks on the internet, no matter how well-intended, cannot comprehend the uniqueness of your situation and will not provide the best advice for your it.

Best of luck.

[Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done]

I get out for lunch with friends once a month. I work weekends so have lost the support of my church friends. I have two wondeful women who help out with the children when they can, one homeschooled two of the children last year.