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Otherhood: No Matter How Much They Achieve, 'Childless Cat Ladies' Can't Escape Bias
Chief ^ | August 1, 2024 | Meghan Rabbitt

Posted on 08/05/2024 7:49:28 PM PDT by DoodleBob

When you choose to live life without kids, you hear it all — from "Oh, you’ll change your mind!" to "Wow, life must be so easy for you," as if an existence without littles is all last-minute vacations to the Caribbean and a seamless work-life balance. While that’s not a true picture of the PANK (professional aunt, no kids) life — a term coined by bestselling author Melanie Notkin in 2008 — a child-free status is still considered unconventional, despite its rise in popularity.

Case in point: In a resurfaced interview with former Fox News host Tucker Carlson, Republican Vice Presidential candidate JD Vance claimed that leaders of the Democratic Party like Vice President Kamala Harris, don’t have a “direct stake” in the country, describing them as, “a bunch of childless cat ladies who are miserable at their own lives and the choices that they’ve made and so they want to make the rest of the country miserable too.”

For many, the comments were a painful reminder that no matter how much you achieve at work and in the world, your worth as a woman is still defined by your reproductive status.

In the last U.S. census taken in 2020, nearly 50% of American women under 45 were child-free, and it’s almost certain that group has grown whether by choice or due to health circumstances. In 2023, the U.S. fertility rate dropped to the lowest level since the U.S. began tracking birth rate data in 1979. And the share of U.S. adults younger than 50 without children who say they are unlikely to ever have kids rose 10 percentage points between 2018 and 2023 (from 37% to 47%).

Yet despite the fact that there are more women than ever before opting out of motherhood, the conversation around supporting women, especially those in the workforce, still tends to focus on mothers — a phenomenon that’s understandable given America’s comparably poor paid family leave and childcare policies.

Executive Robyn Dutra gets it. As a creative director and consultant with leadership experience at Estee Lauder Companies and Unilever, she has seen how hard it can be for moms to balance work with family obligations. "I’m deeply supportive of what they’re going through and will fight to the finish to get them the added support they need," says Dutra. "But I’d like to get to a place where an eyebrow isn’t raised if you say you’ve never wanted to have kids. I’d like to get to a place where we’re supporting women and recognizing that family comes in all shapes and sizes — and doesn’t have to mean children."

This is one of the reasons Emmy award-winning TV producer and media consultant Paula Rizzo started Othership at Chief, a group for members who are not moms either by choice or by circumstance. The group's name can be linked to research done by Notkin, who authored the 2014 book, "OTHERHOOD: Modern Women Finding a New Kind of Happiness."

Rizzo, an author of two books, is happily child-free. She and her husband tried to get pregnant a few years ago, but after her second miscarriage, she realized that life without having kids could be deeply satisfying. "I’ll never forget the doctor staring at me after giving me the news that I’d miscarried again, searching for the devastation, waiting for me to burst into tears," says Rizzo. "But I didn’t have that reaction. My husband and I were like, 'OK, let’s see what’s next instead!'"

The decision felt freeing, if a little isolating. The Othership group, which now has 200 members and is growing, is an antidote to that isolation. They meet virtually once a month to talk about some of the issues facing non-moms who work — everything from how friendships change when women have kids to what legacy means for those who choose not to procreate.

Is There a Cost of Being Child-Free?

As any woman who’s on the otherhood track will tell you, there are a certain set of issues that can surface when you deviate from the norm. For instance, one 2017 study published in the journal Sex Roles found that married-with-kids couples felt emotions ranging from disapproval and annoyance to outrage, anger, and even disgust toward married-without-kids couples. Other research has been consistent with this study, finding the voluntarily child-free are often perceived as less fulfilled and even elicit moral outrage. (Just ask JD Vance.)

Those who don’t see parenthood as a moral or biological imperative may still face issues at the office, from both a workload and benefits perspective. Occupational therapist and host of "not a momma life" podcast, Raphie Wagner has worked countless Saturdays and holidays covering for her colleagues who are parents and want to be at soccer games or watch kids open presents on Christmas morning. "All too often it’s those of us who are kid-free who get stuck with the crappy schedules," she says. "And worse, it’s just assumed we’ll work those hours."

Ushering in a New Era of What Family Means

Both Rizzo and Dutra are hopeful that more companies will start to recognize the specific set of issues and, yes, even challenges those who choose the child-free path may face. Cassandra Rose, Senior Director of Human Resources at ClearPoint Health, advocates for women who are on the path of otherhood to make the most of their employee benefits. "The only time you might have to step away from your responsibilities at work isn’t when a baby comes into your life," she says. "I tell women without kids to go to their HR department and ask for more inclusive care policies. Too often, when we take time off, we have to use up our sick and vacation days. There should be another bank of time that accounts for leave you might need to take as a caregiver."

While some larger corporations are starting to employ this policy, if your company isn’t on board with progressive approaches, don’t be afraid to ask. It’s also important to push back if you’re being asked to do more work because you don’t have kids, she adds. "Don’t just take one for the team if you’re not willing to do it," she says. "And if you are willing to do more, document it — and then advocate for yourself when it comes time for promotions, pay increases, and bonuses."

Rose also wants child-free women to feel empowered to use "no" as a complete sentence, and to not let societal norms dictate the boundaries you set for yourself. "I urge women not to let society tell you what’s an acceptable reason to leave work," says Rose. "If you have a need to leave work at 5 p.m. so you can go to the gym, that’s acceptable — and you don’t need to defend your reasoning to others. Defend your choice to yourself, and trust that everything else will fall into place."

Dutra is hopeful that the needle is moving in the right direction. "When it comes to supporting women, we have to recognize that family doesn’t have to mean children," she says. "If we’re truly going to support women, we need to recognize it’s all about choice. What family means is for women to define — or defy."

*Editor's Note: This story was originally published June 2021.


TOPICS:
KEYWORDS: box; catladies; chardonnay; oldmaids; otherhood; spinsters; wine
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To: wardaddy

Excellent post. A little tolerance is welcome.


41 posted on 08/06/2024 5:50:27 AM PDT by Recovering Ex-hippie (RINO going along to get along with)
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To: DoodleBob
We used to call these ladies spinsters, which somehow has become a perjorative term.

Would they rather us go back to that terminology?

42 posted on 08/06/2024 5:51:26 AM PDT by SamAdams76 (7,234,971 Truth | 87,532,095 Twitter)
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To: Recovering Ex-hippie

You don’t have to give birth to rear children. Adoption, fostering and caring for the neighborhood waifs are all options.

I’m talking about those who specifically choose to be childfree.


43 posted on 08/06/2024 8:23:22 AM PDT by Valpal1 (Not even the police are safe from the police!!!)
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To: DoodleBob
Fifty years after their deaths, no one will remember or care about the childless cat ladies.

Meanwhile, those of us from big families continue to remember and revere (and pray for) our ancestors even hundreds of years after their deaths.

Purposeful sterility is a dead end in every respect.
44 posted on 08/06/2024 8:26:24 AM PDT by Antoninus (Republicans are all honorable men.)
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To: Recovering Ex-hippie
Tell that to women who can’t have children..

Just stop. Women who can't have children can adopt. The outcome is the same as for women with natural born children.

What we're talking about here are women who opt to remain childless because they are self-centered and brainwashed into think that children are a burden and a curse.
45 posted on 08/06/2024 8:29:34 AM PDT by Antoninus (Republicans are all honorable men.)
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To: LegendHasIt
Of all my friends and acquaintances male OR female, (and self) the happiest are single and childless.

Until they turn 65. Then, it's 20 years of declining happiness and misery until they die alone in a nursing home.
46 posted on 08/06/2024 8:30:33 AM PDT by Antoninus (Republicans are all honorable men.)
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To: Antoninus

Yeah, sure I know plenty of children who abandon their parents


47 posted on 08/06/2024 8:32:27 AM PDT by Recovering Ex-hippie (RINO going along to get along with)
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To: DoodleBob

I fell asleep somewhere in the third paragraph.


48 posted on 08/06/2024 8:32:28 AM PDT by dead (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D_vFiUUcBkc)
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To: RAldrich
Guess Joan of Arc and Queen Elizabeth I of England were “unpatriotic”

Joan of Arc was dead before she reached 20 years old.

Any monarch that doesn't have children creates a succession crisis.

No one is saying that everyone should have children. Those who give up child-rearing as a sacrifice for a higher calling (religious orders, dangerous military service, etc.) should be praised. But that's NOT what we're talking about.

The single cat ladies are nearly all selfish, libertine, and short-sighted. They are not self-sacrificing in any sense. And they have no stake in the future. That is the point.

The fact that there are millions of young women in that brainwashed state -- many of whom are literally mental cases -- should give everyone in society pause.
49 posted on 08/06/2024 8:38:21 AM PDT by Antoninus (Republicans are all honorable men.)
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To: Recovering Ex-hippie
Yeah, sure I know plenty of children who abandon their parents.

Me too. But I also know plenty of children who take care of their parents in their elder years -- including me. A person is truly blessed who can count on their children and grandchildren to care about them as they age.

But if you are purposely childless, you practically guarantee that the last 20 years of your life will be miserable.
50 posted on 08/06/2024 8:43:41 AM PDT by Antoninus (Republicans are all honorable men.)
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To: DoodleBob

51 posted on 08/06/2024 8:45:15 AM PDT by Albion Wilde (“Despair serves the regime.” —J.D. Vance)
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To: DoodleBob
childless cat ladies

Only one thing worse, having Karen as your name.

52 posted on 08/06/2024 8:46:36 AM PDT by 1Old Pro
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To: 1Old Pro

It’s kind of sad, really.

I know two Karens and one Caren.

None of them are karens.


53 posted on 08/06/2024 8:48:53 AM PDT by NorthMountain (... the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed)
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To: Antoninus

“I also know plenty of children who take care of their parents in their elder years — including me.”

Including me, too, and my siblings. For Mom all the way to age 99-3/4.

“But if you are purposely childless, you practically guarantee that the last 20 years of your life will be miserable.”

I’m purposely childless, not miserable (yet), and am happy to trade those 20 years for the 50+ years of misery my friends and family have endured because of their kids. It could be bad kids, or personal issues that cause gut-wrenching grief, out other things.

Of course, every person and every situation is unique. Bottom line: it’s a crap shoot for everyone.


54 posted on 08/06/2024 9:01:40 AM PDT by MayflowerMadam (It's not as if Biden has the nuclear codes or anything. 😳)
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To: DoodleBob

If the childless cat lady is good at whatever she chooses to do, and does not shove wokeness in our faces, it’s her right to not be harassed.


55 posted on 08/06/2024 9:11:53 AM PDT by JimRed (TERM LIMITS, NOW! Finish the damned WALL! TRUTH is the new HATE SPEECH! )
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To: MayflowerMadam
Bottom line: it’s a crap shoot for everyone.

Nothing is guaranteed in life. That said, you reduce your odds of being miserable by having children. Having children tends to change some selfish people for the better. I speak as one so impacted. My 25 years of marriage have known no misery at all--quite the contrary--and my six children have truly been a blessing.

If one is a stubbornly selfish person, however, one's outcome is likely to be negative whether or not one has children.


56 posted on 08/06/2024 9:42:33 AM PDT by Antoninus (Republicans are all honorable men.)
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To: Antoninus

Nearly all my friends and I are 65 or older.


57 posted on 08/06/2024 10:33:20 AM PDT by LegendHasIt
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To: Antoninus; wardaddy; JimRed; Albion Wilde; MayflowerMadam; SamAdams76; Farmerbob; Kazan; ...

This thread would benefit from some data.

Pew had an article “The Experiences of U.S. Adults Who Don’t Have Children”

Check out the political data waaaaay at the end of the reports for people 18-49, and people 50+….

https://www.pewresearch.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/20/2024/07/PST_2024.7.26_adults-without-children_W147-18-49_topline.pdf

https://www.pewresearch.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/20/2024/07/PST_2024.7.26_adults-without-children_W147-50_topline.pdf

Now, this is women AND men. But it’s good enough for government work.

Bottom line, the younger crowd skews Dem big time - 15% Repub, 35% Dem - but the 50+ crowd is almost evenly balanced - 30% Repub, 35% Dem.

Youngsters are …well…young. I’m glad nobody documented every stupid thing I’d did or said in the 1980s.

If the data are right - it’s not a vintage analysis, but work with me - it’s likely that many of the youths WILL procreate. Or, ,if they don’t, a big bunch of them will become Republicans

As for the older, childless ones, as a block they aren’t overwhelmingly Dems. Maybe the cat spinster Karens are Dems. But not all childless people 50+ are leftists. Not by a long shot.


58 posted on 08/06/2024 3:56:08 PM PDT by DoodleBob (Gravity's waiting period is about 9.8 m/s²)
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To: Antoninus

100%


59 posted on 08/06/2024 4:00:29 PM PDT by Chode (there is no fall back position, there's no rally point, there is no LZ... we're on our own. #FJB)
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To: DoodleBob
“no matter how much you achieve at work and in the world”

The only thing the vast majority of them have/will achieve is their own irrelevancy in the grand scheme of things.

60 posted on 08/06/2024 4:06:23 PM PDT by yuleeyahoo (“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!” - the deep-state)
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