Posted on 07/06/2017 8:40:33 AM PDT by mononymous
A list of headlines, denials, admissions from the channel:
1 "This is C, No News." (In James Earl Jones' voice.)
2. Unlike our main competitor, "We decide, We distort."
3. Zucker, Anderson Cant Take a Dump Cooper and Don Black Hole Lemon are not in a love triangle.
4. Alisyn Camerota has not given up her job for the relatively honorable position of being a prostitute.
5. Its only fake when we fake it.
6. Weve been making s^$# up since Bernard Shaw; why stop now?
7. Where does it say the first amendment is an individual right?
8. We do our best to control the news narrative, why cant we control some dude on the internet?
9. No, we dont deserve being beaten up in a fake wrestling match and if you advocate this, well publish your contact info so one or more of our unhinged viewers or Kathy Griffin (without make-up) will take care of business, if you catch our drift
10. Apologies. Our viewers arent unhinged they just choose to be alternatively informed in the alternative universe weve created for them; why else would they tune in when weve admitted to making stuff up?
11. Chris Cuomo does not self-identify as a little girl in order to gain access to the ladies bathroom.
12. Remember when we gave debate questions to Hillary? Right, we were colluding and actively hacking the elections; Candy Crowley pulled it off in 2012!
13. Sure, our journalists are actually SJWs, arent all journalists? What are you going to do about it?
14. No, Wolf Blitzer isnt really that dumb, that time on Jeopardy, he had buzzer problems.
15. The next time you see Fareed Zakaria on, try to forget that GPS means, Globally Plagiarizing Scumbag
16. Boycotts against us dont work; we can blackmail our advertisers, as well.
17. Hey, give us some credit, we fail at our main job everyday but we get up and do it all over again and yes, some how, we really, really, do know what is best for your life. Remember we are the most trusted people in news.
18. Make no mistake, we are what we accuse others of being; "C, Neo-Nazis" (In James Earl Jones' voice).
19. Get on with your miserable lives, well join MSNBC and take our viewers to a merry world in which Hillary is President!
20. Ask the New York Times, Trump made us do it!
lol
CNN Created News Network
“CNN -The Number One Name In Lose” (James Earl Jones’ voice)
We go live to Hamburg to watch a deranged communist youth toss stuff around, the significance for the future of the world is enormous.
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