Posted on 01/15/2016 7:00:26 PM PST by EBH
Last weekend my now deceased brother's daughter contacted the family. She was given up at birth, but her older brother never was.
I am NOT happy about revisiting the circumstances or the results and demise of my brother, her father, with her.
Giving a child up for adoption is almost like committing suicide. It is the last out...for the future. I have no way of candy coating her biological father. He was beyond evil in many ways. So far so, that he is the only reason I installed an alarm system on my house at the time. And he was my brother.
Her birth mother once rid of my brother went on to raise a beautiful family. My brother's first born son served in Iraqi Freedom and Fallujah. He broke the mold into which fate caste him. His sister is the one given up for adoption.
I, am on the "evil" side of the family. What and how much do I tell this new found niece? Her birth mother wants to come by and review photographs on Sunday morning?! All those photographs are in a box rotting in the basement...as they should be.
She might be nice. You won’t know until you meet her and get to know her. Until she proves otherwise, give her the benefit of the doubt.
Be honest, be sincere, and in hope that your Brother's children will follow a different path.
Very well said. Rehearse the situation mentally, ask yourself “what am I willing to give away”, consider the good and bad of those things you think of, and then NEVER “give away the store”. If things go well, you leave ‘em wanting more, as it were...and if they don’t, well you only offered up a few things that aren’t of great relevance to you, so they can’t hurt you.
Be polite and civil, as friendly as you can be. She is likely reaching out from a need for a sense of family, and as much as you feel you are able you should not rebuff that just because of your own past history with your brother. You don’t need to -be- her family, but a brush-off could be more hurtful than you’d certainly intend at this time in her life.
While I would not candy coat the circumstances of your brother’s life and character if asked, I would not volunteer your own opinions. While she deserves the truth, she is coming into this brand-new, with no knowledge and certainly unprepared for the anger and bitterness you feel toward your brother that’s been years in the making. This time is for her benefit, principally, not your own, and if the past history with your brother makes you feel like you can’t be constructive for her, you should cancel the appointment.
It’s very generous of you to offer to meet her, so if you go through with it, be welcoming, be gracious, let her connect with the father she never knew through family artifacts, and let her draw her own conclusions and get what she needs from the meeting. Her father is gone, and can’t do any more harm, unless the bitter seeds he sowed while alive amongst his family members are allowed to poison an opportunity for the both of you to meet and get to know new family :)
You wrote, “Her history goes far beyond her birth father.... To Continentals Armies and Vikings... LOL...She is so much more than...her bio-father.”
Can you simply give her that, let her know who her paternal grandparents and great (etc) grandparents were?
Perhaps the only good thing her biological father did was let her be adopted by a better set of parents. Maybe that tidbit of knowledge will offset whatever else she learns about him.
I was such an embarrassment to family and friends in my younger years, and now the truth has surfaced that a whole lot of those holier-than-thou critics were voting for Democrats into their adult years. That's something I have NEVER done.
Yes. I think you just spoke to my heart.
Her father is gone...and can’t do any more harm...
God willing...let there be no more poison.
That time is over...
This.
Sound like she will discover some tangible concepts that can replace a very empty spot that many adoptees feel. It’s a connection to the world; a past, one that most people take for granted because they’ve always had it. At different times in my life it weighed very heavy I call it that “who am I thingy.”
Good/bad? Who knows? Think of it as an opportunity to convey grace to pain.
Good luck.
I found out two years ago that both my parents had children out of wedlock that were given up for adoption. when contacted by the birth mother that their daughter had found them, it got a bit hairy because my dad fell head over heels for “ the daughter he never had”. I admit that really hurt to hear. Whole thing was difficult. After meeting her and giving me her contact info she decided that it took him too long to tell me about her so she really doesn’t want anything to do with him (that’s what her email to me said). At first there was constant contact between them. Almost obsessive on both ends. Whole thing was hard for my mom.
I tried very hard to see it from the adopted daughter’s perspective. I have to admit all of it was a shock. Especially that my mom also gave up a baby girl when in college. I can’t imagine how hard that must have been. She, however, is holding firm to the belief that that girl has her real family - a mom and a dad who love her and raised her. My dad began living in and longing for the past; what could have been. Almost ended their marriage.
I obviously don’t know what it’s like to be adopted. It’s good for me to hear your perspective as I started wondering about the other biological half sister that is yet unknown. Maybe my mom is right-somethings are better left alone.
I am trying to put it together for the whole family!
I am 53 years old, and the last very last of my namesake. All those that follow are of other surnames.
I can’t change that now.
All I can do is pass on the record(s).
Grace to pain....for more than her...
Everyone likes to give advice...You may be better off not listening to any of us...You haven’t mentioned why she was given up for adoption...
If the niece has a relationship with her birth mother it’s likely she’s been told everything dealing with her adoption and why it took place...Likely she want to get with you because 1, you are family to her and 2, she can get information and pictures to what he was like as a child...And she likely wants to know some things about the grandparents she never knew she had...
Get with her birth mother and find out what was revealed from her...There are perhaps things the mother did not reveal and does not want revealed...
On the first visit have the birth mother there as well so she can field any questions that would be uncomfortable for you...
And lastly, enjoy the new addition to your family...
Do your best to help the young lady learn about why she was put up for adoption, with the focus on those factors that made it necessary, even if some of them are very unpleasant. I doubt many, if any of them were caused by her.
You don't need to delve into the details, particularly if it is painful, as it must be, for you. Just explain enough about the circumstances to help her understand that she was put up for adoption to help her in what must have been a very difficult situation.
You may want to think through what you would like to say ahead of time, and perhaps invite a close friend or family member to be with you to provide you with support for what may be a very emotional time.
You have no obligation to say or do anything, but you will probably find meeting her and helping her reconcile her own feelings is a very worthwhile thing to do, even if it seems difficult at this point.
My sister had a babyboy at 14, he was placed for adoption. She always wanted to meet him. She placed her name and info I a registry so that he could find her. Her life was wild, hard and unstable so she listed me as a contact. I don't know what I would do if he would ever contacts me. My sister passed away in April. I would like to know how he is.He might like to meet his 5 siblings. They know that they have a brother that was placed for adoption. I don't even know if his parents ever told him he was adopted.
I understand, it’s a scary prospect. Although, you just might find some healing yourself.
Say a prayer, ask a ‘friend’ to go with you.
You can’t live in the past... the past is over, done.
One can chose to live in the future and the present...
I am going to chose...as I have learned ....
To live in the present. My “niece” will know I am here...in the present.
The past is the past and cannot be changed. Today...each new day we live in the present... or...radically choose to live in the future.
Reading your post, it sounds to me like you are taking on the sins of your brother before the meet has even happened. First off, DON’T. You are who YOU are and that is IT. She may just be curious and have lots of questions. It is a fair statement to tell her “I would like US to have a relationship first before answering too much from my perspective”. IMO, that gives you the time you need with this young lady to form trust and her to judge you by your actions over words and you her. This might not be a bad thing for all you know; so relax and take it a day and a meet at a time. And for what it is worth, meet in public at first, it is even grounds; later you can do the dinner at your home thing once you feel comfortable. I seriously wish you the best of luck in this and hope you will give what is essentially your blood a shot at knowing another side of herself. You can fix that “evil” thing you mentioned in your post if she is looking for a half way meet. Believe me on that one (and yes, I have a story of my own; freepmail after things settle down a bit for you if you are interested). All my best.
Out of eight children, I was the second oldest and the only one to be given up for adoption. It’s a very long story I will not go into here.
I can tell you she probably feels rejected and singled out to have been given up when her brother was not.
She needs the truth, but gently told. Let her look at photos of him and other family members; she is piecing together her history. The yearning to know one’s history is something the families involved do not understand. The history of the adopting family is NOT the adoptee’s history, We want the truth, we want our historic roots.
Please do not lie to her, treat her with understanding that what she is going to hear is not pleasant. Be compassionate.
My situation is different in that my birth family came searching for me, and it was my (abusive) adoptive mother who had a problem with my reunion.
Eventually — meet her, tell her the truth, let her know that you love your niece anyway, and see what develops.
For now, simply tell her that you’re open, but not yet ready, that you need time to process the new situation. Encourage her to call in some period of time — perhaps 6 months — to see how you’;re feeling then.
When you do meet, do it in a semi-casual situation. Have lunch, somewhere neutral.
If you close the door, you’re the “bad person”. You might develop a great relationship. She might be a great person like her brother. Or maybe not. But you don’t know until you meet her.
However, if you’re not ready, you shouldn’t force yourself.
She will need truth but as gentle as possible. No matter how loving the adopted parents there is always a haunting question about why you were discarded.
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