Posted on 07/28/2015 6:09:00 AM PDT by rfreedom4u
My wife is mentally ill. I realize many men say this and most are probably kidding but in my case it is 100% true. Her illness began in 1996 after the birth of our last child. At first we were told it was post-partum depression. She was hospitalized that year several times and given various medications.
We’ve never really gone to church much but she began talking about religion quite a bit so I bought her a bible (NKJ) and she devoured it. She was reading it all the time and one day I noticed she was crossing parts out and writing in the margin. I asked her why and she stated, “It was interpreted wrong and I am writing the correct interpretation.” I asked her how she knew her interpretation was correct and she said, “I get my information from God.” This lead to numerous trips to hospitals and more meds. She also began stating that she saw angels and demons and that they spoke to her. When I inquired as to what they were telling her she said I wouldn’t understand.
In the next few years she continued to have good and bad months. She was hospitalized several times over the next few years and again given various medications and diagnoses. These went from bi-polar to schizophrenic to psychotic. She has never been violent but was very adamant that we should all become vegans. She would go so far as to attempting to capture and bug she saw in the house so that she could release it into the wild.
Since I was in the military we moved several times. Each time we arrived at a new post I had to explain to my command the situation. I could see that they didn’t really believe it was as bad as I said until she started having a bad month again. Once it got so bad that I took the kids to a hotel and had to stay away for a few days.
Over the first few years of her illness I was investigated several times because she made allegations that I was abusive to both her and the children. All of these were proved false. She was paranoid and constantly accused me of sleeping around with other women. When she is “stable” she starts to think she does not need her meds and will slowly decrease her dosage (by skipping days) and eventually will stop altogether. I will notice little things in her behavior that become big things. When she starts to talk about certain things (religion, abuse, veganism) I can tell she is off her meds. I’ve tried to reason with her and get her to her shrink as soon as possible but she will become very assertive that there is nothing wrong with her. Many times I have had her hospitalized against her will as she was a threat to herself. This was usually because she was not taking care of herself or eating. Twice she was hospitalized with suicidal tendencies and once for actually attempting suicide.
Throughout all these now 19 years I have done my best to deal with her and give the kids the best lives possible. Times of high stress are the worst for her. Just this year she lost two of her three sisters to cancer and her dad passed away last month. She is now on the downslide and I predict she will be hospitalized again within the next few weeks.
All of our children are adults now. We have been married for almost 27 years (19 of which she’s been ill). I feel so worn down and beaten from dealing with this for so long that at times I feel like just packing a bag and leaving. Perhaps become a vagabond and drift around the world. If I were to do that I know she wouldn’t last long as in her times of psychosis she places herself in dangerous situations. Once she wandered off for a week and we found her in a homeless shelter. Now we are in the Houston area and it is quite dangerous to wander about the city. This world is full of bad people.
I feel like I am at the end of my rope and no longer want to deal with this anymore. Her illness stresses me out and gets me down. I want to just leave but realize that would be the worst thing for her. The next few weeks will be hard. But I will have to make my decision to stay or leave. I know the kids will be mad if I leave her because she needs help. But at the same time they will understand because they’ve seen the hell that I’ve been through. We went through it together when they were growing up. So, do I stay or do I go? I’m not even sure what I will do. I thought writing about it would make me feel a little better and maybe help in making the decision but it hasn’t.
He cant get a second residence she will follow him there and throw rocks thru his windows. She’s nutz.
“Take care of yourself...”
You are absolutely right. You need some “you” time. That is in no way selfish or not being a “good spouse”. What I will write now will probably get me flamed but oh well.. here goes.. if you are so controlled that you can’t go to the gym/go fishing/whatever YOU choose as a relaxation... then you are trapped in a cage with no light of day. If she calls you a cheater.. so what? If she threatens you and says she is going to hurt herself.. then she needs to be committed to get her levels adjusted. If she is mad, again.. so what? YOU need some time and you can explain it nicely once and then get out of the house and do something for yourself. My question cannot be answered fully but is she manipulating you because of her mental illness or is she using her mental illness to manipulate you? Although that may never be answered.. the main focus for you right now is to take some time when you are off.. and breathe.
There’s no need to send video to the kids. They’ve all lived through much of it with me.
But it may help to show her. We’ve all told her about her behavior but she doesn’t seem to believe most of it.
A undeniable truth many can't seem to understand.
That's how it works.
I'm gonna do something here that sounds accusatory - it is not:
IMO She is but the catalyst in this - The problem is internal in you - Like blaming a rock wall for your inability to climb over it, if you know what I mean... If you can see her illness as an inanimate object (the rock wall), what can you do to gird yourself for a greater assault? It's a long climb... What can you do to limit your stress and receive required rest? Who can you consult to help you climb the wall? To teach you to climb the wall more efficiently? Outside of your service to her, you must serve yourself too, in order to have the strength to endure. Most folks sacrifice themselves till there is nothing left, but that only leads to destruction:
I used to be in a high stress business - It tested my breaking point daily. I used to start my day barfing blood... The pressure was insane. One of the coping mechanisms I found sounds completely silly, but it worked for me... 10:30 every morning, the phone was off, the watch was off, and I was sitting on the tailgate in the prettiest place I could find close to wherever I was... I would haul out a single burner camp stove, my old tin cup, and I would sit there and make tea. I know that sounds completely stupid, but yes, tea. No time... No pressure... No schedule... The ritual of it... waiting for the boil, waiting for the steep, waiting till I could sip it...
I found so much peace in those few minutes every day, that the rest of the day was magnified - It made me more durable - and even the ulcers went away... Such a blessing out of taking time for tea. So simple, so stupid, but it worked like a charm for me.
Now, I am not telling you that tea is gonna fix all your woes - But I am saying that you will be surprised what WILL work for you - cast about and find out what that is.
And don't forget God. He won't put something in front of you that you can't lick... Though you'll have to rely on him... But by all means, by any means, I hope you find the strength to carry on. Believe it or not, this too shall pass.
I think asking your children what would happen to their mother, who would care for her if you weren’t around, is a good question for them. I don’t know how involved they’ve been in helping you, but the fact that you seem to be very close to your breaking point, should make them realize that they need to get more involved now.
I hope they understand the seriousness of your situation and step up to help both their parents.
The problem with mental illnesses is that it is a vicious cycle of committals, medications, releases, medical non-conformity, then repeat. It is extremely difficult to provide for the long term care for the mentally ill. States have cut out of their budgets the once useful group homes.
Even with court ordered treatment the cycles exist.
You have a tough choice to make every day and one you have already made until now: Stay or go. You have stayed.
If she is mentally ill then she can hardly help herself.
The problem is that she can cause you problems and misery. Marriage says “for better or worse”. Christianity says you don’t abandon those in need. Life says you deserve to be happy, too.
Your tough call to continue to make.
You don’t have to say where the residence is.
This helped get me out of a drug-using lifestyle. Someone recorded me all effed-up and showed it to me when I was sober.
I was all like HELL naw.
Ok lets say he rents a basement or something. While he is gone she will trash the house, kick holes in the walls, break windows and destroy the furniture. Maybe even worse. Mental illness is evil bad.
Nice post. Thanks for words of advice that I can apply to myself as well.
Remember that you have dealt with this successfully before. I think you are feeling dread because you know another episode is coming on, and you may be going through all the worst case scenarios, which is making you feel worse.
Perhaps you should wait to see how things unfold in reality. If you just leave, a future divorce court may find that you abandoned her, a very bad thing for you.
If it does get bad to deal with in coming weeks, here is the process you have to go through in Texas to get her help and to help yourself.
http://gregoryrosspc.com/faq/involuntary-mental-health-commitments
Oh great, you just gave her a bunch of ideas.
Dude.
You #&*$ing rock.
The box he is in if he leaves her while she is in the manic mode she will end up at the police station she has to stay and take the abuse or it gets even worse. Basically the guy is f-ed.
No one can advise you on the proper course to take; that comes from within. There is no doubt you have gone above and beyond and obviously have taken your marriage vow seriously. In the case of my family, there was a divorce but it was initiated by the one with the illness. The stable partner would never have started the proceedings. Your description of the medication situation is exactly the same here; on medication stability appeared only to convince the taker to stop taking it. It's a cyclical nightmare.
The stable partner has gone on to remarry and have a happy life. The children adjusted immediately and appreciate their stepmother as the responsible mother figure and have accepted their mother for who she is; there is much love all around, including between the mother and stepmother but it took many years and much strife to get there. There is hope for your situation but the decision can only be yours.
know another episode is coming
That’s just it. I know it is coming and I am sick and tired of dealing with it over and over. Abandonment is not an option. If I do leave it won’t be total abandonment. She will have funds available but what she will do with them is in question.
So much of it is genetic. It runs through my family and occasionally myself. I hate to be book pusher, but the book The Sacred Romance by Eldridge really helped me.
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