Posted on 07/28/2015 6:09:00 AM PDT by rfreedom4u
My wife is mentally ill. I realize many men say this and most are probably kidding but in my case it is 100% true. Her illness began in 1996 after the birth of our last child. At first we were told it was post-partum depression. She was hospitalized that year several times and given various medications.
We’ve never really gone to church much but she began talking about religion quite a bit so I bought her a bible (NKJ) and she devoured it. She was reading it all the time and one day I noticed she was crossing parts out and writing in the margin. I asked her why and she stated, “It was interpreted wrong and I am writing the correct interpretation.” I asked her how she knew her interpretation was correct and she said, “I get my information from God.” This lead to numerous trips to hospitals and more meds. She also began stating that she saw angels and demons and that they spoke to her. When I inquired as to what they were telling her she said I wouldn’t understand.
In the next few years she continued to have good and bad months. She was hospitalized several times over the next few years and again given various medications and diagnoses. These went from bi-polar to schizophrenic to psychotic. She has never been violent but was very adamant that we should all become vegans. She would go so far as to attempting to capture and bug she saw in the house so that she could release it into the wild.
Since I was in the military we moved several times. Each time we arrived at a new post I had to explain to my command the situation. I could see that they didn’t really believe it was as bad as I said until she started having a bad month again. Once it got so bad that I took the kids to a hotel and had to stay away for a few days.
Over the first few years of her illness I was investigated several times because she made allegations that I was abusive to both her and the children. All of these were proved false. She was paranoid and constantly accused me of sleeping around with other women. When she is “stable” she starts to think she does not need her meds and will slowly decrease her dosage (by skipping days) and eventually will stop altogether. I will notice little things in her behavior that become big things. When she starts to talk about certain things (religion, abuse, veganism) I can tell she is off her meds. I’ve tried to reason with her and get her to her shrink as soon as possible but she will become very assertive that there is nothing wrong with her. Many times I have had her hospitalized against her will as she was a threat to herself. This was usually because she was not taking care of herself or eating. Twice she was hospitalized with suicidal tendencies and once for actually attempting suicide.
Throughout all these now 19 years I have done my best to deal with her and give the kids the best lives possible. Times of high stress are the worst for her. Just this year she lost two of her three sisters to cancer and her dad passed away last month. She is now on the downslide and I predict she will be hospitalized again within the next few weeks.
All of our children are adults now. We have been married for almost 27 years (19 of which she’s been ill). I feel so worn down and beaten from dealing with this for so long that at times I feel like just packing a bag and leaving. Perhaps become a vagabond and drift around the world. If I were to do that I know she wouldn’t last long as in her times of psychosis she places herself in dangerous situations. Once she wandered off for a week and we found her in a homeless shelter. Now we are in the Houston area and it is quite dangerous to wander about the city. This world is full of bad people.
I feel like I am at the end of my rope and no longer want to deal with this anymore. Her illness stresses me out and gets me down. I want to just leave but realize that would be the worst thing for her. The next few weeks will be hard. But I will have to make my decision to stay or leave. I know the kids will be mad if I leave her because she needs help. But at the same time they will understand because they’ve seen the hell that I’ve been through. We went through it together when they were growing up. So, do I stay or do I go? I’m not even sure what I will do. I thought writing about it would make me feel a little better and maybe help in making the decision but it hasn’t.
Funny you should say that....when my wife left me after 25 yrs...I had a form of PTSD....I was really messed up...for a long while...I could not control my emotions.....therapy didnt help....they just tried to get me on pills...which made things worse...and the therpist I was dealing with tried to rationalise the cheating...I was really put out by that...
I lost my whole Identity...I wasnt a husband anymore...or a provider...or a lover...and barely a father...
I had to remake myslef.
I reverted to my 20’s for a while...but I’m not in my 20’s anymore either...
So I said screw it...I dont have that many years left and I’m not going to live like this...I got out and made new fiends and met new women....I;m still single and not really dating...but I know my life isnt over yet....and i now look forward to each day instead of dreading it.
btt
get her to buy off on you seeing somebody
I actually did that before. She went with me to the appointment and I told her she didn’t have to participate at all. Of course I knew she wouldn’t be able to sit quietly. It worked for a while. Then she got better and the cycle started over again.
RE: 46
Noooooooo doubt there. It winds up masking the problem and outsiders just think the person is a drunk and just needs some AA.
I freepmailed you...
“I go to work and come home... If I am not with her she is constantly accusing me of cheating”.
Therein lies a lot of the stress for you, hon. YOU need a break. YOU need some away time. YOU need to go fishing, see a movie, walk around a mall, go to a baseball game.. something. You have to feel trapped and imprisoned.. and if so, you may start to suffer from depression. Yes.. take your grandson when you can but IMHO... whether she says you are cheating or not.. you have got to get some time away to relax, recharge and just plain think things out.
Very, very short version: The last time my wife came out of the hospital, she insisted on moving to a home by herself. It was far enough away that I couldn’t drive over and check on her every night, only on the weekends. She committed suicide after about three weeks alone.
If you leave, as someone else has suggested, it might force her to behave because she will know you aren’t there to pick up the pieces. Or it might lead to something else.
Whichever you do, I would echo others’ advice to get involved in a church. Even if you aren’t religious, a good church is a support organization, and you need all the support you can get.
Praying for y’all.
The first year of this I got a book on single parenting. I was basically a single parent considering the situation. I only read the first chapter. It was titled “Take Care of Yourself” and stated that you can’t take care of anyone else if you don’t take care of you!
I am so sorry. Love and prayers for you and yours.
I am so sorry! Years of nearly unrelenting stress take their toll. Maybe you should seek out some kind of support group. It is so hard to get them the help they need.
Getting the mentally ill to stay on their meds, can be the biggest challenge.
I watched my brother’s marriage break up when his wife became bipolar. Everyone thought they could talk to her & reason with her, but her behavior & thought process had became totally illogical, so you couldn’t have a reasonable discussion. In the end, it was his wife who demanded the divorce and he very reluctantly gave in to her demand. It took a few years, but eventually he knew he’d made the right decision.
Does your wife want a divorce?
I think the question you have to ask yourself, is how you’re going to feel if something happens to her after you’re gone. If you’ll feel guilty the rest of the life thereafter, then divorcing isn’t a solution.
Can your children care for her more and take some of the stress off of you so that you can get away for short periods of time to recharge your batteries a bit?
Have you been to support group meetings.? Sometimes you can get suggestions from others who are going through the same things, as well as having others to talk to.
Best of luck to you.
U are not the only one going thru this. If that makes u feel better.
Getting the mentally ill to stay on their meds, can be the biggest challenge.
Believe me I know! She says she doesn’t want a divorce. Her thought process is totally screwed up. It’s so bad that she even says good things about obama and islam. Since posting this article I have messaged the kids asking what they would do if I were to die in the next few days. I made sure to tell them that I have no plans on dying anytime soon!
See post 8. If anyone needs a good pastor and church, it is you. As they are hard to find, I’m praying that one comes to you.
Much of what you describe sounds a lot like schizophrenia, but I’m no shrink, and usually it comes on sooner than age 32.
From my own personal experience I have only a slight inkling of the nightmare you are living thru. My own situation has largely resolved but not after some very difficult times. I credit courage, patients, humility, steadfastness and faith as the major factors that helped me break on thru to the other side.
May God grant you the discernment to see his plan for you and the strength and courage to walk your difacult road. May angels guard you and your wife from the deamons that persue you and may you see the light of a bright future.
Conflicting feelings here.
On the one hand, you DID say “in sickness and in health”.
On the other hand, life is short and it’s hard to live torture every day.
Maybe a compromise: Stay married but stay away half the time, another residence or soemthign.
After this manner therefore pray ye: Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil: For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever. Amen.
Pray without ceasing.
There have been a few random moments that things happened that I couldn’t explain.
1. I rarely if ever go to a barbershop as I shave my head. One day I figured to treat myself to a haircut. The only people there were myself and the barber. Out of nowhere he says, “You know, I made some bad decisions and lost my wife because of them.”
2. When I was visiting home I went to see an old friend. Out of the blue he looks at me and says, “You know God works in mysterious ways.”
In neither of these situations did I ever mention what was going on in my life with her. I took these as some sort of sign that I was to stay.
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