Posted on 12/16/2012 4:14:24 PM PST by radioone
In the wake of another horrific national tragedy, it’s easy to talk about guns. But it’s time to talk about mental illness.
Three days before 20 year-old Adam Lanza killed his mother, then opened fire on a classroom full of Connecticut kindergartners, my 13-year old son Michael (name changed) missed his bus because he was wearing the wrong color pants.
“I can wear these pants,” he said, his tone increasingly belligerent, the black-hole pupils of his eyes swallowing the blue irises.
“They are navy blue,” I told him. “Your school’s dress code says black or khaki pants only.”
“They told me I could wear these,” he insisted. “You’re a stupid bitch. I can wear whatever pants I want to. This is America. I have rights!”
“You can’t wear whatever pants you want to,” I said, my tone affable, reasonable. “And you definitely cannot call me a stupid bitch. You’re grounded from electronics for the rest of the day. Now get in the car, and I will take you to school.”
I live with a son who is mentally ill. I love my son. But he terrifies me.
A few weeks ago, Michael pulled a knife and threatened to kill me and then himself after I asked him to return his overdue library books. His 7 and 9 year old siblings knew the safety plan—they ran to the car and locked the doors before I even asked them to. I managed to get the knife from Michael, then methodically collected all the sharp objects in the house into a single Tupperware container that now travels with me. Through it all, he continued to scream insults at me and threaten to kill or hurt me.
That conflict ended with three burly police officers and a paramedic wrestling my son onto a gurney for an expensive ambulance ride to the local emergency room. The mental hospital didn’t have any beds that day, and Michael calmed down nicely in the ER, so they sent us home with a prescription for Zyprexa and a follow-up visit with a local pediatric psychiatrist.
We still don’t know what’s wrong with Michael. Autism spectrum, ADHD, Oppositional Defiant or Intermittent Explosive Disorder have all been tossed around at various meetings with probation officers and social workers and counselors and teachers and school administrators. He’s been on a slew of antipsychotic and mood altering pharmaceuticals, a Russian novel of behavioral plans. Nothing seems to work.
At the start of seventh grade, Michael was accepted to an accelerated program for highly gifted math and science students. His IQ is off the charts. When he’s in a good mood, he will gladly bend your ear on subjects ranging from Greek mythology to the differences between Einsteinian and Newtonian physics to Doctor Who. He’s in a good mood most of the time. But when he’s not, watch out. And it’s impossible to predict what will set him off.
Several weeks into his new junior high school, Michael began exhibiting increasingly odd and threatening behaviors at school. We decided to transfer him to the district’s most restrictive behavioral program, a contained school environment where children who can’t function in normal classrooms can access their right to free public babysitting from 7:30-1:50 Monday through Friday until they turn 18.
The morning of the pants incident, Michael continued to argue with me on the drive. He would occasionally apologize and seem remorseful. Right before we turned into his school parking lot, he said, “Look, Mom, I’m really sorry. Can I have video games back today?”
“No way,” I told him. “You cannot act the way you acted this morning and think you can get your electronic privileges back that quickly.”
His face turned cold, and his eyes were full of calculated rage. “Then I’m going to kill myself,” he said. “I’m going to jump out of this car right now and kill myself.”
That was it. After the knife incident, I told him that if he ever said those words again, I would take him straight to the mental hospital, no ifs, ands, or buts. I did not respond, except to pull the car into the opposite lane, turning left instead of right.
“Where are you taking me?” he said, suddenly worried. “Where are we going?”
“You know where we are going,” I replied.
“No! You can’t do that to me! You’re sending me to hell! You’re sending me straight to hell!”
I pulled up in front of the hospital, frantically waiving for one of the clinicians who happened to be standing outside. “Call the police,” I said. “Hurry.”
Michael was in a full-blown fit by then, screaming and hitting. I hugged him close so he couldn’t escape from the car. He bit me several times and repeatedly jabbed his elbows into my rib cage. I’m still stronger than he is, but I won’t be for much longer.
The police came quickly and carried my son screaming and kicking into the bowels of the hospital. I started to shake, and tears filled my eyes as I filled out the paperwork—“Were there any difficulties with....at what age did your child....were there any problems with...has your child ever experienced...does your child have....”
At least we have health insurance now. I recently accepted a position with a local college, giving up my freelance career because when you have a kid like this, you need benefits. You’ll do anything for benefits. No individual insurance plan will cover this kind of thing.
For days, my son insisted that I was lying—that I made the whole thing up so that I could get rid of him. The first day, when I called to check up on him, he said, “I hate you. And I’m going to get my revenge as soon as I get out of here.”
By day three, he was my calm, sweet boy again, all apologies and promises to get better. I’ve heard those promises for years. I don’t believe them anymore.
On the intake form, under the question, “What are your expectations for treatment?” I wrote, “I need help.”
And I do. This problem is too big for me to handle on my own. Sometimes there are no good options. So you just pray for grace and trust that in hindsight, it will all make sense.
I am sharing this story because I am Adam Lanza’s mother. I am Dylan Klebold’s and Eric Harris’s mother. I am James Holmes’s mother. I am Jared Loughner’s mother. I am Seung-Hui Cho’s mother. And these boys—and their mothers—need help. In the wake of another horrific national tragedy, it’s easy to talk about guns. But it’s time to talk about mental illness.
According to Mother Jones, since 1982, 61 mass murders involving firearms have occurred throughout the country. (http://www.motherjones.com/politics/2012/07/mass-shootings-map). Of these, 43 of the killers were white males, and only one was a woman. Mother Jones focused on whether the killers obtained their guns legally (most did). But this highly visible sign of mental illness should lead us to consider how many people in the U.S. live in fear, like I do.
When I asked my son’s social worker about my options, he said that the only thing I could do was to get Michael charged with a crime. “If he’s back in the system, they’ll create a paper trail,” he said. “That’s the only way you’re ever going to get anything done. No one will pay attention to you unless you’ve got charges.”
I don’t believe my son belongs in jail. The chaotic environment exacerbates Michael’s sensitivity to sensory stimuli and doesn’t deal with the underlying pathology. But it seems like the United States is using prison as the solution of choice for mentally ill people. According to Human Rights Watch, the number of mentally ill inmates in U.S. prisons quadrupled from 2000 to 2006, and it continues to rise—in fact, the rate of inmate mental illness is five times greater (56 percent) than in the non-incarcerated population. (http://www.hrw.org/news/2006/09/05/us-number-mentally-ill-prisons-quadrupled)
With state-run treatment centers and hospitals shuttered, prison is now the last resort for the mentally ill—Rikers Island, the LA County Jail, and Cook County Jail in Illinois housed the nation’s largest treatment centers in 2011 (http://www.npr.org/2011/09/04/140167676/nations-jails-struggle-with-mentally-ill-prisoners)
No one wants to send a 13-year old genius who loves Harry Potter and his snuggle animal collection to jail. But our society, with its stigma on mental illness and its broken healthcare system, does not provide us with other options. Then another tortured soul shoots up a fast food restaurant. A mall. A kindergarten classroom. And we wring our hands and say, “Something must be done.”
I agree that something must be done. It’s time for a meaningful, nation-wide conversation about mental health. That’s the only way our nation can ever truly heal.
God help me. God help Michael. God help us all.
Read it more carefully.
I agree 100% but I would add that this is also the fruits of their war on God. Some folks are unable to internally suppress their psychotic desires. In the absence of the external coercive force of God and the afterlife, they are left with uninhibited psychotic thoughts which too frequently turn into psychotic action. In their minds, if there is no God and there is no afterlife, they are free to act upon their psychotic impulses. and then 20 children are shot dead. I think certain age groups are especially susceptible-namely young males between the age of 18-27. this is a period when schizophrenic personalities frequently reveal themselves. It is also a time of experimentation with illicit drugs and sexual immorality.
I did...several times today. What did I miss?
In the old days of the classic version of America, there were nuts like him too. If they ever did to their mom what this kid did, dad would have justly knocked him out or belted him. And that was a good thing, for us, and for the little “genius”.
Mental illness that cannot be modified by punishment is actually rare. What we are seeing are behavioral disorders that nobody modifies. An earthworm can be trained to avoid a shock. These kids can too.
I notice the little geniuses like this kid never seem to attack Marines on the street, walk up and talk crap to bloods and crips, or hop the fence into the lion cage at the zoo. So obviously they CAN control their impulses sometimes after all.
They aren’t stupid. They just correctly judge that they can dominate their wuss parents and teachers.
The giveaway that perhaps bad parenting was involved was in this exchange:
“They told me I could wear these,” he insisted. “You’re a stupid bitch. I can wear whatever pants I want to. This is America. I have rights!”
“You can’t wear whatever pants you want to,” I said, my tone affable, reasonable. “And you definitely cannot call me a stupid bitch. You’re grounded from electronics for the rest of the day. Now get in the car, and I will take you to school.”
I can guarantee you that if one my kids talked like this to me, at 10, 13, or any age my response would not have been "affable" (definition: easygoing: good-natured, friendly, and easy to talk to). It would have been the opposite. Stern, angry and outraged. The punishment wouldn't be to not be able to play on "electronics" for a day. It would have been more along the order of face getting slapped and grounded for a week....no electronics, no friends, no fun.
It's outrageous to me that anyone would allow a child to talk like this to them, much less their own child. It's a prescription for raising a mentally ill, socially unfit, child.
No mention of a father in the article that I saw. I’ve seen boys act exactly like what this lady describes, and they all belonged to single or divorced mothers.
And after threatening mom with a knife, juvenile detention is exactly where he belongs for a few months,, locked in a cell. Even if “the chaotic environment of jail does exacerbate his sensitivities to stimuli”.
And flame away, but he needs to experience some stimuli, right on his little a$$.
Another problem is that aspergers have become trendy. They call them cute names like “aspies”, and always remind us that they are SO deep, and are the second coming of einstein, etc. Who let him wear a pocket protector to school? Who let him get into goth BS? Make him act right and not dress and behave in ways that make him the weird kid. A lot of this is behavioral on the part of the kid, and not something they are utterly powerless to control. It’s a big game to them.
Yeah,, that “affable” response to “stupid bitch” was the story in a nutshell. The little genius instantly learned “i can do anything,,she’s afraid to make me mad”.
He should have walked away think “SOB,,i’ll never make THAT mistake again”.
a 13 year old menacing his family with a knife. So, a strong response from a father is what he needs?.
His 7 and 9 year old siblings knew the safety plan—they ran to the car and locked the doors before I even asked them to.
Did your father teach your other family members about a safety plan when you were 13? What happened hat this mother felt in necessary to have a safety plan? Is she talking about the first timethat he menaced his family and threatened to harm himself, or have there been others? How frequent?
We still don’t know what’s wrong with Michael.
a pregnant “we”
Autism spectrum, ADHD, Oppositional Defiant or Intermittent Explosive Disorder (Unpremeditated impulsive aggression defined by a disproportionate reaction to any provocation, real or perceived) have all been tossed around at various meetings with probation officers and social workers
So the criminal side of the courthouse is involved for a 13 year old and they have this kids medical information. Unusual? Why is the court system involved? Why is the mother interacting with them apparently repeatedly?
and counselors and teachers and school administrators.
So the school has his medical information – not huge, but not something my father had to do when I acted up at that age.
We decided to transfer him to the district’s most restrictive behavioral program, a contained school environment where children who can’t function in normal classrooms can access their right to free public babysitting from 7:30-1:50 Monday through Friday until they turn 18.
When I was a kid the words “Reform school” was still around. This kid is well into the IDEA classification process. Places like this cost a fortune. Such a placement is not easy to get and not provided without great consideration, medical consultation and often input from state and county government organizations.
If you missed these things, feel fortunate.
That conflict ended with three burly police officers and a paramedic wrestling my son onto a gurney
How many times? We must hang out in different places.
A strong response from the father AND mother was needed when he was 3 or 4 and consistently thereafter. By 13 it's obvious the mother's parenting, or lack thereof, has already born fruit.
No there’s a long article on this recently in the NYTimes magazine. Children who are born sociopathic. The Bible,Steinbeck ..Joseph Wambaugh many famous works have discussed this..Wambaugh refers to it as being born with a”black light behind their eyes”.
They’re way beyond physical discipline. You can beat them to death and they’ll growl at you with their last breath. ...like a wild raccoon.
At the start of seventh grade, Michael was accepted to an accelerated program for highly gifted math and science students. *** Several weeks into his new junior high school, Michael began exhibiting increasingly odd and threatening behaviors at school.
You make an assumption that that is not supported by the statements in the article or from inferences from the mother's statements. So argument with you about whether you are right or wrong as applied to this child will be futile.
Many disorders a totally quiescent until puberty or later teen years. While she does not so state, I infer this is the case here from the quoted language.
This lady writes in the style of a self absorbed moonbat, so we will never really know what the whole picture is.
Imagine the pressure of having to live with a mother who would say such things about you to the world. Imagine the pressure of having to please her.
Maybe he really is a basket case, but maybe not. We are only given her viewpoint.
I had a psychologist friend who specialized in troubled kids. He had come to the conclusion that most kids' psychological problems were caused by the parents. He said that he usually concluded that the parents, not the kids, were the ones really needing the therapy.
I could easily be wrong, but I suspect that she is locked in a psychological battle with her son, and this was just her latest escalation. Her blog is all about me, me, me, and this post about her son is all about "See what a long-suffering victim I am?" If she just wanted advice, she could have posted anonymously to many forums, including Free Republic. That is not what she did. She made damn sure that her son could be publicly identified. Despicable.
I hope that someone will intervene to get the kid out of that house ASAP and get him professional help. Even if dad has a few problems of his own, I hope he is encouraged or at least permitted to become MUCH more involved in his son's care.
(And yes, I could easily be wrong, and I know that in some of these cases there are no good answers.)
I agree that to argue about someone we both don't know is futile. But we can discuss her words and what they mean to us. You just quoted something else. In my experience as a man and having been a 7th grade boy, I can tell you that there are tons of 7th grade boys that exhibit "increasingly odd and threatening behaviors at school". Most times it called adolescence. Hormones turn sweet little boys into odd, sullen, and sometimes angry boy/mans. The way to deal with it in schools used to be discipline...to teach the little boy/mans that they better learn how to control those hormones and that real men DO control themselves and don't act like animals. Sadly that seems to be a concept that many have left in the past.
Thank You!
Exactly. When this child first expressed himself this way, what was the parent’s reaction? Did the child ever get an ass whooping? You have to instill discipline and authority when a child is young. Once you set them on a certain course by the time 13 arrives it may be too late if you’ve responded with wishy washy when the child needed tight boundaries and a firm, consistent hand.
I cannot believe how much play this blogger is getting. Read all of her posts. She’s just a hodgepodge storyteller.
Yo, dad! If you wanted full custody, your ex just handed it to you.
From her linkedin page
Liza Long’s Summary
I’m a story teller, a musician, a designer, and a teacher. Not necessarily in that order.
Specialties
Graphic design (Adobe CS5), copy and web writing, ad design, feature writing, PowerPoint presentations
See! Story teller. I was right.
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