Thinking the Unthinkable

In the wake of another horrific national tragedy, it’s easy to talk about guns. But it’s time to talk about mental illness.

Three days before 20 year-old Adam Lanza killed his mother, then opened fire on a classroom full of Connecticut kindergartners, my 13-year old son Michael (name changed) missed his bus because he was wearing the wrong color pants.

“I can wear these pants,” he said, his tone increasingly belligerent, the black-hole pupils of his eyes swallowing the blue irises.

“They are navy blue,” I told him. “Your school’s dress code says black or khaki pants only.”

“They told me I could wear these,” he insisted. “You’re a stupid bitch. I can wear whatever pants I want to. This is America. I have rights!”

“You can’t wear whatever pants you want to,” I said, my tone affable, reasonable. “And you definitely cannot call me a stupid bitch. You’re grounded from electronics for the rest of the day. Now get in the car, and I will take you to school.”

A few weeks ago, Michael pulled a knife and threatened to kill me and then himself after I asked him to return his overdue library books. His 7 and 9 year old siblings knew the safety plan—they ran to the car and locked the doors before I even asked them to. I managed to get the knife from Michael, then methodically collected all the sharp objects in the house into a single Tupperware container that now travels with me. Through it all, he continued to scream insults at me and threaten to kill or hurt me.

That conflict ended with three burly police officers and a paramedic wrestling my son onto a gurney for an expensive ambulance ride to the local emergency room. The mental hospital didn’t have any beds that day, and Michael calmed down nicely in the ER, so they sent us home with a prescription for Zyprexa and a follow-up visit with a local pediatric psychiatrist.

We still don’t know what’s wrong with Michael. Autism spectrum, ADHD, Oppositional Defiant or Intermittent Explosive Disorder have all been tossed around at various meetings with probation officers and social workers and counselors and teachers and school administrators. He’s been on a slew of antipsychotic and mood altering pharmaceuticals, a Russian novel of behavioral plans. Nothing seems to work.

At the start of seventh grade, Michael was accepted to an accelerated program for highly gifted math and science students. His IQ is off the charts. When he’s in a good mood, he will gladly bend your ear on subjects ranging from Greek mythology to the differences between Einsteinian and Newtonian physics to Doctor Who. He’s in a good mood most of the time. But when he’s not, watch out. And it’s impossible to predict what will set him off.

Several weeks into his new junior high school, Michael began exhibiting increasingly odd and threatening behaviors at school. We decided to transfer him to the district’s most restrictive behavioral program, a contained school environment where children who can’t function in normal classrooms can access their right to free public babysitting from 7:30-1:50 Monday through Friday until they turn 18.

The morning of the pants incident, Michael continued to argue with me on the drive. He would occasionally apologize and seem remorseful. Right before we turned into his school parking lot, he said, “Look, Mom, I’m really sorry. Can I have video games back today?”

“No way,” I told him. “You cannot act the way you acted this morning and think you can get your electronic privileges back that quickly.”

His face turned cold, and his eyes were full of calculated rage. “Then I’m going to kill myself,” he said. “I’m going to jump out of this car right now and kill myself.”

That was it. After the knife incident, I told him that if he ever said those words again, I would take him straight to the mental hospital, no ifs, ands, or buts. I did not respond, except to pull the car into the opposite lane, turning left instead of right.

“Where are you taking me?” he said, suddenly worried. “Where are we going?”

“No! You can’t do that to me! You’re sending me to hell! You’re sending me straight to hell!”

I pulled up in front of the hospital, frantically waiving for one of the clinicians who happened to be standing outside. “Call the police,” I said. “Hurry.”

Michael was in a full-blown fit by then, screaming and hitting. I hugged him close so he couldn’t escape from the car. He bit me several times and repeatedly jabbed his elbows into my rib cage. I’m still stronger than he is, but I won’t be for much longer.

The police came quickly and carried my son screaming and kicking into the bowels of the hospital. I started to shake, and tears filled my eyes as I filled out the paperwork—“Were there any difficulties with....at what age did your child....were there any problems with...has your child ever experienced...does your child have....”

At least we have health insurance now. I recently accepted a position with a local college, giving up my freelance career because when you have a kid like this, you need benefits. You’ll do anything for benefits. No individual insurance plan will cover this kind of thing.

For days, my son insisted that I was lying—that I made the whole thing up so that I could get rid of him. The first day, when I called to check up on him, he said, “I hate you. And I’m going to get my revenge as soon as I get out of here.”

By day three, he was my calm, sweet boy again, all apologies and promises to get better. I’ve heard those promises for years. I don’t believe them anymore.

On the intake form, under the question, “What are your expectations for treatment?” I wrote, “I need help.”

And I do. This problem is too big for me to handle on my own. Sometimes there are no good options. So you just pray for grace and trust that in hindsight, it will all make sense.

I am sharing this story because I am Adam Lanza’s mother. I am Dylan Klebold’s and Eric Harris’s mother. I am James Holmes’s mother. I am Jared Loughner’s mother. I am Seung-Hui Cho’s mother. And these boys—and their mothers—need help. In the wake of another horrific national tragedy, it’s easy to talk about guns. But it’s time to talk about mental illness.

According to Mother Jones, since 1982, 61 mass murders involving firearms have occurred throughout the country. (http://www.motherjones.com/politics/2012/07/mass-shootings-map). Of these, 43 of the killers were white males, and only one was a woman. Mother Jones focused on whether the killers obtained their guns legally (most did). But this highly visible sign of mental illness should lead us to consider how many people in the U.S. live in fear, like I do.

When I asked my son’s social worker about my options, he said that the only thing I could do was to get Michael charged with a crime. “If he’s back in the system, they’ll create a paper trail,” he said. “That’s the only way you’re ever going to get anything done. No one will pay attention to you unless you’ve got charges.”

I don’t believe my son belongs in jail. The chaotic environment exacerbates Michael’s sensitivity to sensory stimuli and doesn’t deal with the underlying pathology. But it seems like the United States is using prison as the solution of choice for mentally ill people. According to Human Rights Watch, the number of mentally ill inmates in U.S. prisons quadrupled from 2000 to 2006, and it continues to rise—in fact, the rate of inmate mental illness is five times greater (56 percent) than in the non-incarcerated population. (http://www.hrw.org/news/2006/09/05/us-number-mentally-ill-prisons-quadrupled)

With state-run treatment centers and hospitals shuttered, prison is now the last resort for the mentally ill—Rikers Island, the LA County Jail, and Cook County Jail in Illinois housed the nation’s largest treatment centers in 2011 (http://www.npr.org/2011/09/04/140167676/nations-jails-struggle-with-mentally-ill-prisoners)

No one wants to send a 13-year old genius who loves Harry Potter and his snuggle animal collection to jail. But our society, with its stigma on mental illness and its broken healthcare system, does not provide us with other options. Then another tortured soul shoots up a fast food restaurant. A mall. A kindergarten classroom. And we wring our hands and say, “Something must be done.”

I agree that something must be done. It’s time for a meaningful, nation-wide conversation about mental health. That’s the only way our nation can ever truly heal.

I don’t know what your religious beliefs are. If you are a bible-believing born again Christian, you might bring your son to a spirit-filled minister of the Lord...one who is empowered by the Holy Spirit, and ask for special prayer/laying on of hands.

My 17 year old grandson has Asperger’s Syndrome plus severe cognitive delays. He is exactly like “Michael” only older and stronger. My single mother daughter and I have been hit, pushed, spit at, swore at, had our hair pulled, been kicked, and head butted over the years.

Other times, (since his cognitive age is about 8) he sits on our lap, and is happy as a lark. He can go from happy to enraged in 60 seconds.

We love him, but are also at the same time afraid OF him and FOR him. They have him on several powerful meds, which I believe may be causing some of his problems.

I truly do feel sorry for this woman, and the pain she has in dealing with her son. It is the 'progressives' in this country who have made life difficult for her. They are the ones who pushed the notion that we shouldn't put the mentally ill in hospitals, that this was denying them their freedom. They didn't take into consideration what families would have to endure if their kids began to experience mental problems, and then get worse as they become young adults, then move into adulthood, when they are no longer under any semblance of control from their parents. No, they don't belong in jail, but in order to change this, we'll have to fight against the liberals who want everyone to believe they have cornered the market on compassion for the downtrodden in this country.

Most likely I have Asperger’s myself, I was tested as a kid and my parents were worried I was autistic. Looking at my records, if I was tested today, most likely they would come to that conclusion. I think we drug up the kids too much today instead of working with them, finding out their talents and so on. Myself, I fell into learning things like space travel, electronics, amateur radio and so on.

It is the 'progressives' in this country who have made life difficult for her.

I personally think they've helped to create mental health issues in our youth. Some pretty heavy and twisted crap is being dumped on children at a very early age these days. They're being told that the planet is being destroyed by parents who just don't care. Homosexuality is normal and if you don't have homosexual thought then you aren't normal.

It goes on and on.

My heart goes out to you and your daughter. It must take all energy available to handle this child.
I truly believe that we are seeing a rise in mental illness like never before. I have a grandson who is 8. They have medicated him for ADHD. I am seeing things that his parents are in denial about. Anger issues and just a meaness that I can’t explain. My husband and I see problems for the future and feel helpless.
All over America there are mental illness issues that are not being addressed.
God Bless you! I pray that we as a society do not blame guns, but rather decide to attack this mental health issue.

Please find help at this site..there are alternatives to medication!!!! My heart and prayers are with you!

http://www.cchr.org/alternatives/right-to-be-informed.html

Okay...I may get a lot of heat for this...but this sounds like a normal 13 year old who has been raised without a dad and without discipline. Instead of REAL disciplinary measures, the mom figures the kid must be mentally ill so she dopes him up. This of course makes him mentally ill for real because putting mind altering drugs into a developing brain can’t be a good thing.

I hope she keeps her 13 year old genius (her words) away from civilized children. He is not likely to amount to much more than a thorn in his mothers side. It is sad.

Please check these links for help. I have been at medical conferences with Dr. Campbell-McBride and the parents who are following her protocol have had great success. Best of luck to you! You are not alone.

http://gapsdiet.com/

http://blockcenter.com/

yes. The best one we have is my oldest son. However, he works second shift which is when we need him the most. Sam is much better with men-he has not respect for women. That is because his father (the drunk who is in jail) tells him how bad his mother and grandmother are.

Not criticizing because I am one myself but didn’t the movement to empty state hospitals grow from a coalition of community mental health advocates, civil libertarians AND fiscal conservatives concerned with the enormous expense of inpatient care ? There has to be a better way although we are obviously not going back to the 1950’s before effective drugs and treatments when mental institutions around the country quickly filled as every slight problem with a person was viewed as insanity.

There is an extremely informative free E book at this site. Dr Yasko is an expert in field. Click on link to download Autism: Pathways to Recovery.

http://www.dramyyasko.com/

My heart aches for you. Backin the day there were Christian schools/homes that had residential programs for children with behavior problems, acting out, etc. I don’ t know if this an option for you. God bless, and I hope you and your child find the help that he needs and the safety your family needs.

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