Saturday night is for humor, tawdry or not.
I knew a woman that was so fridge every time she spread her legs a little light came on
Lol. But if I ever get married, God forbid that my marriage should turn out like that.... Sad that it is like that for many, though... :-(
Do you know why they don’t let the blind skydive
Scares the hell out of the dogs
The last time I golfed I only hit two good balls all day...and THAT was when I stepped on a rake in the sand trap!
Did you hear about the agnostic, dyslexic insomniac? He stayed awake all night wondering if there really IS a dog.
A baby seal walks into a club...
Well, I went to the Dr’s the other day and he asked me if I have been thinking about ways to help prevent memory loss because I am almost 50 years old now. I said, “ I don’t know Dr. I can’t remember.”
Story from a Minnesota State Trooper:
I made a traffic stop on an elderly lady the other day for speeding MN State Highway 210 at Mile Marker 197 just East of McGregor, MN. I asked for her driver’s license, registration, and proof of insurance.
The lady took out the required information and handed it to me. In with the cards I was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age) to see she had a Conceal Carry Permit. I looked at her and asked if she had a weapon in her possession at this time.
She responded that she indeed had a .45 semi-automatic in her glove box. Something…body language, or the way she said it…made me want to ask if she had any other firearms.
She did admit to also having a 9mm Glock in her center console. Now I had to ask one more time if that was all. She responded once again that she did have just one more, a .38 special in her purse. I then asked her what was she so afraid of.
She looked me right in the eye and said, “Not a f****** thing!”
I am all for humor any day of the week but Rush was Right!
A: A Doberman.
Do you know what made Bud Weiser?
His wife came home with Schlitz in her pants.......bodaboom!
Overheard in the honeymoon suite at the local Nursing Home:
“No...I said I had ACUTE ANGINA!”
Did you hear about the blond who got an AM radio?
It was a month before she learned she could play it at night!
Fleas
Adam had’em
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two.
But they must be small mice...
All my best jokes are “musician’s” jokes. Can’t tell them here, cuz I’d be instantly banned!
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.
The 6 year old asks, “You know what? I think, it’s about time we started learning to cuss.” The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues,”When we go in for breakfast, I’m gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass.”
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, “Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I’ll have some Cheerios.
WHACK!
He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up,and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit,slapping his rear with every step.
His mom locks him in his room and shouts, “You can stay there until I let you out!”
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, “And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?”
“I don’t know,” he blubbers, “but you can bet your ass it won’t be Cheerios!”
MATH QUIZ: Reveals your favorite movie!!
I am very good at math, so I did it in my head, then on paper, and finally
on a calculator just to confirm my numerical capabilities.
Each time I got the same answer, and sure enough it IS my very favorite
movie EVER.
DO NOT cheat and scroll down to the movies. Do YOUR math, THEN compare the
results to the list of movies at the bottom
You will be AMAZED at how scary true and accurate this test is
1. Pick a number from 1-9.
2. Multiply by 3.
3. Add 3.
4. Multiply by 3 again.
5. Now add the two digits of your answer together to find your favorite
movie (of all time) in the list of 17 movies below:
Movie List:
1. Gone With the Wind
2. E.T.
3. Blazing Saddles
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Obama Farewell Speech of 2012
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders of the Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire
Now, isn’t that something?
TEXAS RANCHER
An 80-year-old Texas Rancher goes to the Mayo clinic in Rochester for a check-up.
The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, ‘How do You stay in such great physical condition?’
‘I’m from Texas and in my spare time I like to hunt and fish says the old guy, ‘and that’s why I’m in such good shape. I’m up well before daylight riding herd and mending fences and when I’m not doing that, I’m out hunting or fishing. In the evening, I have a beer and all is well.’
‘Well’ says the doctor, ‘I’m sure that helps, but there’s got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?’
‘Who said my father’s dead?’
The doctor is amazed. ‘You mean you’re 80 years old and your father’s still alive? How old is he?’
‘He’s 100 years old,’ says the old Texan. ‘In fact he worked with and hunted with me this morning, and then we went to the topless bar for a while and had a little beer and that’s why he’s still alive. He’s a Texas rancher and he’s a hunter and fisherman too.’
‘Well,’ the doctor says, ‘that’s great, but I’m sure there’s more to it than that. How about your father’s father? How old was he when he died?’
‘Who said my Grandpa’s dead?’
Stunned, the doctor asks, ‘you mean you’re 80 years old and your grandfather’s’ still alive?’
‘He’s 118 years old,’ says the man
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, ‘So, I guess he went hunting with you this morning too?’
‘No, Grandpa couldn’t go this morning because he’s getting married today.’
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. ‘Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?’
‘Who said he wanted to?’
Never criticize someone until you’ve walked a mile in his shoes. That way, when you criticize him, you’ll be a mile away and you’ll have his shoes.