If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
Mental backup in progress -- Do Not Disturb!
Mind Like A Steel Trap -- Rusty And Illegal In 37 States.
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Support bacteria -- they're the only culture some people have.
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. . .
24 hours in a day . . . 24 beers in a case . . . coincidence?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
What do they pack styrofoam in?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?