Posted on 09/14/2002 9:01:38 PM PDT by Big Guy and Rusty 99
Hey All,
I need all the bad jokes you can think of . . . I am being forced to do 5 minutes or so standup on the radio show I work on. (She says she doesn't want me to do it anymore, but I have a feeling she'll spring it on me again.)I want to bomb badly. It's an Andy Kaufman thing.
Thanks,
BG & R 99
She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.
She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup.
She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Bill, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.
-----------------------
I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a pencil necked nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!!
So I called him a horse's ass. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!!
This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner...
Doctor says, "you're in great shape for being fifty."
Who says I'm fifty?
"You're not fifty, how old are you?"
Seventy.
"Wow, longevity must run in the family. How old was your father when he died?"
Who says he's dead?
"He's still living, that's great. How old was your grandfather when he died?"
He's still alive, 125 and getting married next week!
"Why would anyone 125 want to get married?"
Who says he wants to?
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. When a cell phone on a bench rings, a man engages the hands-free speaker-function and begins to talk.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN:"Yes"
WOMAN: I am at the mall and found a beautiful leather coat. It's $1,000. Can I buy it?"
MAN: "OK, go ahead if you like it that much"
WOMAN: I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: How much?"
WOMAN: $60,000
MAN: "For that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! One more thing....The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're only asking $450,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just offer $420,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you too."
The man hangs up. The other men are looking at him in astonishment. Then he asks: Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Or the Viking chief yelling at his men:
"I'm only going to give one more chance to get it right, it's kill the men and rape the women!"
Neighbor 1: "Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a mighty nice day to be moving"
New Neighbor: "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly"
Neighbor 1: "So what is it you do for a living?"
New Neighbor: "I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning"
Neighbor 1: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"
New Neighbor: "Let me give you and example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog."
Neighbor 1: "That is right"
New Neighbor: "The fact that you have a dog, leads me to deduce that you have a family"
Neighbor 1: "Right again"
New Neighbor: "Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife"
Neighbor 1: "Correct"
New Neighbor: "And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are heterosexual."
Neighbor 1: "Yup"
New Neighbor: "That is deductive reasoning"
Neighbor 1: "Cool"
Later that same day
Neighbor 1: "Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door"
Neighbor 3: "Is he a nice guy?"
Neighbor 1: "Yes, and he has an interesting job"
Neighbor 3: "Oh, yeah what does he do?"
Neighbor 1: "He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University"
Neighbor 3: "Deductive reasoning, what is that"
Neighbor 1: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?"
Neighbor 3: "No"
Neighbor 1: "Homo!!"
What's the definition of a Fu@k off?
Tie breaker for the Auburn homecoming queen.
What do you call a gcruse who dresses in a late October costume???
A Hollow Weenie !!! ;-))
FrWar Eagle
Low OiL
A beautiful blonde woman, a less attractive woman, Bill Clinton, and George Bush were all sitting on a train. The train goes into a tunnel and everything goes dark. Soon after they all hear a "slap". As the train comes out of the tunnel and the compartment is lit back up, everyone sees a red mark on Bill Clinton's cheek. The blonde thinking to herself says, "I bet he meant to grab me and grabbed the other woman and she slapped him." The less attractive woman thinking to herself says, "I bet he grabbed that blonde woman and she slapped him." Bill Clinton thinking to himself says, "I bet George Bush grabbed that blonde woman and she slapped me thinking it was me." George Bush thinking to himself says, "I can't wait to go through another tunnel so I can slap Bill Clinton again!"
A man goes to the White House and asks to see President Clinton.The Marine on duty tells the guy that Clinton isn't President, please leave. The man goes away. The next day he comes back to the White House and asks to see President Clinton. The marine on duty tells the guy that Clinton is not President, please go away. The man goes away. The next day he comes back again, and again the same Marine is on duty. The man asks to see President Clinton and the Marine says, -- WHY DO YOU KEEP COMING HERE ASKING FOR HIM? CLINTON IS NOT PRESIDENT ANYMORE!!!
The man smiles happily and says, "I know, I just like hearing it."
Legend has it that there is a bar in New York where in the Rest Room there is
a very special mirror. If a person stands in front of the mirror and tells
the truth, the person is granted a wish.
However, if a person tells a lie, *POOF*! - they are instantly swallowed up
by the mirror, never to be seen again.
A Buchanan supporter walks into the Rest Room and stands before the mirror
and says, "I think I'm the most intelligent person in the world."
*POOF* The mirror swallows him.
Next, a Nader supporter stands before the mirror and says, "I think I think
I'm the most informed man alive."
*POOF* The mirror swallows him.
Then a Gore supporter comes in and stands before the mirror and says,
"I think.."
*POOF*"
A:The puppy learns to use the papers, then go outside.
http://bullseyedesigns.com/sideshow/people/limbless/prince_randian.htm
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