I NEED YOUR BAD JOKES!

none ^ | now | me

[Big Guy and Rusty 99]

Hey All,

I need all the bad jokes you can think of . . . I am being forced to do 5 minutes or so standup on the radio show I work on. (She says she doesn't want me to do it anymore, but I have a feeling she'll spring it on me again.)I want to bomb badly. It's an Andy Kaufman thing.

Thanks,

BG & R 99

[ItsJeff]

VERY VERY VERY OFFENSIVE JOKE WARNING:

A priest and a rabbi are sitting on a park bench. A 12 year old boy walks by. The priest turns to the rabbi and says, "Let's screw him." The rabbi says, "Out of what?"

Thank you. Thank you very much.

[Bon mots]

Clinton Presidency Joke:

One day during the Clinton Presidency, Bill Clinton called up Al Gore and said, "Al, I feel terrible today and will not be able to make my afternoon meetings at the peace talks. My head hurts, my stomach hurts, why even my legs hurt. You're going to have to fill in for me."

Al Gore replied, "No can do. I've got congressional hearings that I cannot miss today. Why don't you just do what I do when I feel like that. I just go up to my wife and make her give me some good hard sex. After about an hour of tossing her around on the bed, I feel much better and can do just about anything."

An hour later, Clinton calls Gore and says, "Hey man, you're a genius. That really worked. I feel much better. By the way, you got a really nice house."

[Schmedlap]

A bear and a rabbit are shitting in the woods. The Bear asks the rabbit, "Do you have a problem with shit getting stuck in your fur?"
The rabbit replies, "no."
So, the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his ass with the rabbit's fur.

[layman]

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer and a mop".

[layman]

I made this one up myself. Knock knock. Who's there. Kirch. Kirch who. Gazontite! (I might have misspelled Gazontite)

[The Great RJ]

Take Tom Daschle..pleeease.

[A Cyrenian]

this one is not a joke but a very bad cartoon. I saw it on another message board. I'm warning you, this is BAD.

http://sexylosers.keenspace.com/images/sl155.jpg

[eddie willers]

"You're a feminist ?"
"Isn't that precious."

[layman]

A one-legged man is hitch hiking. A car comes to a stop. The driver rolls down the window and says "hop in".

[calljack]

What did the fish say when he swam into a brick wall. "Damn"

[LowOiL]

The teacher assigned her 1 grade students to do a short research paper on "what their dad's did". The next day she had them stand up one by one and read it to the class.

Little suzie got up and told how her dad was a doctor and he saved lives.

Little tommie got up and told how proud he was of his dad, a firefighter, and how he saved lives.

Finally she got to little johnnie, he stood up and proclaimed that his dad dressed up like a woman and danced in a gay bar at the outskirts of town. The teacher sturnly told johnny to shut up and sit down.

After class when everyone was leaving she pulled johnny to the side and asked him why he had lied. She knew johnny's dad and he was NOT a gay bar dancer....

Little johnny looked sorry but truthfully exclaimed that he was ashamed to tell the other kids that his dad was an Alabama football coach.

War Eagle

Low OiL

[Glenn]

Arafat is walking on the beach at sunset with his wife. The view is so beautiful it inspires him to kiss her. The "Islam" police witness the kiss and immediately run to the pair. As the policeman starts to write the ticket, he recognizes Arafat and starts apologizing profusely. Arafat insists he write the tickets. Tells the police he wants to be treated like any other citizen. The police oblige and hand Arafat and his wife their tickets. Arafat looks at his ticket and then his wife's.

"Just a moment", Arafat protests. "Why is my ticket for $25 and my wife's is for $300?"

"Well, sir," the policeman replies, "it's your first offense."

[Doctor Stochastic]

What about ping pong balls?

[Doctor Stochastic]

In the football game twixt the Elephants and the Insects, the first half score was Elephants 28, Insects 0. The game ended with the Insects coming back to win 49 to 42. After the game, the Insect Coach explained that in the second half, he used his centipede. When asked why the centipede didn't play in the first half, the coach replied, "He was still tying his shoes."

[bribriagain]

Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his brother in the woods?

[wizr]

Two cannibals are feasting on an enemy.

One asks the other "Are you enjoying him?"

The other says "I'm having a ball!"

[Big Guy and Rusty 99]

why can't Jesus eat M&M's?
They fall through the holes in his hands.

[BluesDuke]

Too funny. Kind of reminds me of the old term limits argument. Everybody wants term limits till their candidate gets elected. heh heh.

And nobody even thinks about repealing the 22nd Amendment until their president is winding down his second term, either...

It's not that I'm all that big on term limits, if only because the real problem is not that politicians are in office "too long," the real problem is that voters who are presumably intelligent enough to know better and can read the record as it is just huff...and puff...and throw the bums back in, anyway. (The best argument I have ever read on behalf of term limits was, ironically, George Will's book Restoration, ironic given that Mr. Will originally had opposed term limits.)

Term limits will not prevent charlatans from holding office and metastasising the abuse of the American people. They will merely consecrate the guarantee that a fresh charlatan will supplant a known charlatan every fewer years by the force of law rather than the force of intelligent, attentive voting. You are not going to change the complexion of the State, and all the larceny, fraud, and extortion there involved, until you figure out a way to convince voters to quit voting for a State they can use and to begin voting for a government that, properly construed, will assume no responsibility past protecting and defending their lives, freedom, rights, individual sovereignties, against predators at home (real predators, if you please, not mere vicemongers) and enemies real and imminent from abroad - and otherwise staying the hell out of their business.

[NotJustAnotherPrettyFace]

Very good! And yes, it's spelled "Gesundheit". (I just happen to know enough German to be 'dangerous' :-).