I NEED YOUR BAD JOKES!

none ^ | now | me

[Big Guy and Rusty 99]

Hey All,

I need all the bad jokes you can think of . . . I am being forced to do 5 minutes or so standup on the radio show I work on. (She says she doesn't want me to do it anymore, but I have a feeling she'll spring it on me again.)I want to bomb badly. It's an Andy Kaufman thing.

Thanks,

BG & R 99

[rockfish59]

knock knock

who's there?

Madame!

Madame who?

Madame foot's caught in the door!

[mlibertarianj]

A man walks into a bar, he sees a dejected bartender, on one side is a genie lamp, and on the other side, a 12 inch cigarette lighter. The man does not notice the lighter but asks the bartender "say friend, is that a genie lamp?"

The bartender says "yes, if you want, you can take it with you for 50 bucks" The man is excited, pays fifty bucks, takes the lamp.

As he walks out of the bar, the man rubs the lamp, and poof! a very old genie pops out. "I am the genie of the lamp, what is your wish?"

"I want a million bucks when I get home!" says the man. "Your wish is granted." says the very old genie.

As he gets home, excited, he is shocked to find out, instead of money, his house is inudated with ducks.

Totally pi***ed off, he storms back into the bar, slams the genie lamp and screams "WHAT THE F***? I RUB THE LAMP, ASK FOR A MILLION BUCKS, AND WHAT DO I GET? A MILLION DUCKS!"

"So What says the dejected bartender, take a look at this, as he picks up the cigarette lighter, did you think I wanted a 12 inch BIC?

Two thoughts from Confusis(sp)

MAN WHO STANDS ON THE TOILET, IS HIGH ON POT!

MAN WHO FARTS IN CHURCH, SITS IN OWN PEW! ;^D!!!

[rockfish59]

2 guys are sitting at the bar. The one jumps up, knocks the crap out of the other guy and says, 'That's karate from Korea!'

The guy gets back on the barstool and 5 minutes later the other guy jumps up again and whomps the poor guy again and says, 'That's jiu-jitsu from Japan!'

The guy gets back on the barstool and 5 minutes later is pummeled again by the guy who says, 'That's kung-fu from China!'

The poor guy has finally had enough and staggers out of the bar.
20 minutes later he comes back in, walks up to the guy and smashes him over the head, knocking his lights out and tells him, 'That's a hammer from Sears!'

[rockfish59]

Another one: Gore in '04!

[rightofrush]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To die. In the rain. - E. Hemingway.

[EricT.]

Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn't budget so he worked it out with a pencil.

[Big Guy and Rusty 99]

yipes, just yipes.

[ALS]

A penguin is driving cross country and has car trouble so he puts his car in a garage to have it repaired.
While waiting he decides to waddle on over to the supermarket across the street. He quickly finds the ice cream aisle and dives in head first. After gorging himself he realizes he should go check on the car and waddles back over to the garage.
He asks the mechanic what's wrong with his car, and the mechanic replied, "looks like you blew a seal".
The blushing penguin quickly responds, "oh no, it's just ice cream!".

:)

[GOPyouth]

He who stick D!ck in peanut butter is F*cking nuts.

[SoDak]

A guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender "Give me something cold, and full of gin". The bartender says "Take my wife".

[SoDak]

How can you tell if theres an elephant in your bed? He's got an "E" on his pyjamas.

[Joe 6-pack]

Mickey sat with his attorney discussing the possibilities of filing for divorce. The attorney listens to what Mickey says, then tells him, "Look Mickey, you can't divorce Minnie just because she's crazy."

"I didn't say she was crazy," Mickey shot back, "I said she's f#*&ing Goofy!"

[LiberationIT]

There was an old Lesbo from Greece
Who said; "What I prefer to a piece
Is to have my pudenda
Rubbed hard by the enda
The little pink nose of my niece!"

[BluesDuke]

Ah, Carnac...

A: The Hope Diamond, Joe Namath, and Jimmy Carter's State of the Union speech.
Q: Name a rock, a jock, and a crock.

[GOPyouth]

Old Reagan line... "A recession is when your neighbor loses his job.
A depression is when you lose yours.
And a recovery is when Jimmy Carter loses his."

[The KG9 Kid]

A horse walks into a bar.
Bartender says "Why the long face?"

A bear walks into a bar.
He tells the bartender "I'll have a...................... Scotch and Soda."
Bartender says "Say, why the long pause?"
Bear says "I dunno. I was just born with them."

[NRA2BFree]

LOL!! Don't ya just hate it when you do that?

[Genesis defender]

Where do you find a tortoise with no legs?

Where you left it.

[NRA2BFree]

Here's a goody for you. 8-)

Jesse And Washing Machines

Reverend Jesse Jackson walked into the appliance section of a Sears store, looked around, then shouted, "I want to see the manager right now!"

The manager of the department came out and said, "How can I help you, reverend?"

Jesse replied, "I want to know why all of your washing machines are white?"

The manager immediately flipped open all the lids of the washing machines and said, "Reverend Jackson, ....

Yes - all of the washing machines are white, .... but if you look inside, you'll find that all of the agitators are black!!"

[The Raven]

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck,and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather,and you are losing some of your load!" When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says... "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Vermont, and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"