Posted on 09/14/2002 9:01:38 PM PDT by Big Guy and Rusty 99
Hey All,
I need all the bad jokes you can think of . . . I am being forced to do 5 minutes or so standup on the radio show I work on. (She says she doesn't want me to do it anymore, but I have a feeling she'll spring it on me again.)I want to bomb badly. It's an Andy Kaufman thing.
Thanks,
BG & R 99
Speaking of lepers, did you hear about the leper ice hockey game? They had a face off in the corner.
I look around and don't see anyone. Again, I hear, "Ribbit 9 Iron." I look at the frog and decide to prove the frog wrong, put the club away, and grab a 9 iron. Boom! I hit it 10 inches from the cup. I’m shocked. I say to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog." I decide to take the frog with me to the next hole. "What do you think frog?," "Ribbit 3 wood." I takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one!
By the end of the day, I’ve played the best game of golf in my life and ask the frog,"OK where to next?" The frog replies,"Ribbit Las Vegas." We go to Las Vegas and the frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." "Ribbit $3000, black 6." What the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. I take my winnings and get the best room in the hotel.
I sit the frog down and ask, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me."
I figure why not, after all the frog did for me, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year old girl.
And that, Your Honor, is how the girl ended up in my hotel room, so help me, or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton.
Again Jesus summons, "Peter, come here." Peter tries to, but Roman soldiers again push him away.
Jesus summons a third time, "Peter come here." Peter gathers all of his strength and finally breaks through. Bleeding from several lance wounds, Peter says, "Yes, Master?"
Jesus looks upon Peter and says, "I can see your house from here!"
crickets chirp in the back ground. a tumbleweed goes by.
Or you could try this one. It will kill any German speaking audience members:
Wenn ist das Nunstrick git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!
"No, I'm sorry," the bartender replied. "It's a hickory daiquiri, doc."
A guy walks in to a bar. A second guy walks in to the same bar. The third guy...
Why'd the monkey fall out of the tree? Because it was dead!
Why'd the 2nd monkey fall out of the tree? Because it was stapled to the first! Why'd the 3rd monkey fall out of the tree? Because he though it was a game.
Why do elephants paint their toenails red? So they can hide in cherry trees. Did you ever see an elephant in a cherry tree? Well, see how great it works?
Did you hear about the football player that went to prison? He went in as a tight end, and came out ....
What do you call a blond that dyes her hair red? Artificial intelligence.
Why do we park on a driveway, but drive on a parkway?
This guy is playing pool in a bar. He walks over to the bartender for more beer and bets him $10 that he can pee
in to a glass from 3 feet and not spill a drop. The barkeep accepts the bet. The guy tries and pees on
everything, the bar, the bartender, the floor, and nary a drop in the glass. The bartender starts laughing, wiping
himself and the bar off, saying that was the easiest $10 he ever made. The guy pays up and goes to collect the
$500 from the other pool players he bet that he could pee all over the bartender and the bartender wouldn't get mad.
Guy driving the highway seens a billboard for the "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution", 50 miles. [Fill in
continuing signs, pique interest].
Stops at the house. Nun greets him, he asks about the signs, she takes him to a door, asks for donation.
Opens door, steps through it, finds himself outside, looks back at the door with no handle on his side, but a sign
informing him "You have just be scr$wed by the Sisters of Mercy".
This French Foreign Legion officer gets transferred to a distant outpost in the middle of nowhere. His sex drive
gets the better of him and asks the sargeant what they do for relief. He says they take turns and use the camel.
He finds out his turn is Thursday. Thursday comes and he avails himself of the camel. Leaving the stable
relieved, he bumps in to the sargeant and comments how satisfying it was. The sargeant looks at him and says "The
rest of us ride the camel in to town..."
This ventriloquist was told to take a vacation by his doctor. Decides to do a little hiking and camping.
Comes across the campsite of an indian with his horse, dog, and sheep. Deciding to have a little fun, and to keep
in practice, he asks the indian if the horse can talk. "Horse no talk" comes the reply. The V asks the horse,
"Hey horse, what does the indian do when you're out here alone? The horse "replies" "He kisses me on the lips.".
The indian is amazed. The V asks the indian, "Does you dog talk?" "Dog no talk" "Hey dog, what..." Dog: "He goes
up to the horse and kisses him on the lips.". Indian amazed. V asks if the sheep talks. "Sheep lie" comes the reply from the indian.
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his Mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they're twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
The oldest one in the history of mankind:
Q.How do you make a dead baby float?
A.Two scoops of dead baby and ginger ale.
And my favorite light bulb joke:
"How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?"
"None, I'll sit in the dark."
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