I confess. I did not expect to write an article that engendered such strong emotions. But now nearly 600,000 people have viewed the article, and hundreds have commented.
The article to which I refer was about the simple issue of what churches do that drives first-time guests away. The most discussed issue was that which is typically called “the stand and greet time.”
A lot of people don’t like this time in many churches’ worship services. A lot of people really don’t like it.
So I decided to conclude the series with representative comments from those who said, in no uncertain terms, not to continue this exercise in your church. This sentiment was particularly strong among those who are actively visiting churches now.
Here are some of the comments:
•“The meet and greet or the sign of peace or whatever your denomination may call it, it’s all the same – a personal, psycho-contrived exercise that is not only too MUCH, but too SOON.”
•“As a shy introvert, a stand up meet and greet sounds terrifying. Please let me attend the service without having to do this. I can meet people afterwards if I’d like.”
•“As a visitor to a new church, I can’t honestly say I’ve NEVER enjoyed, or seen the point, in a meet and great period. First of all, I’m an introvert and having a bunch of strangers come up to me all at once expecting to shake my hand and get my name and ask whether I’ve been there before and so on doesn’t feel friendly and inviting, it feels forced and uncomfortable and overwhelming.”
•“This is actually the reason my wife and I left a church and didn’t come back. I have crazy allergies certain times of the year, and I adjust by sitting in the back so if I have a crazy sneezing fit or something I can duck out quietly, use the restroom, and make my way back in without disturbing other people in the service. Well I did that at a new church, and they didn’t want to let me back in. I would’ve just walked out, except my wife was still in the service.”
•“Sometimes I’ve been late on purpose to avoid the forced friendliness and physical contact with strangers – especially during cold and flu season.”
•“Ditch greet time; just get on with the service.”
•“It’s not that I don’t want to participate in a meaningless, obligatory greeting; it’s just that I don’t want to participate in a meaningless and obligatory greeting.”
•“As an introverted first time guest, this moment can be extremely stressful–even if everyone you meet is very friendly and sincere.”
•“Many times we have stood in a church, where it is obvious that we are the only visitors present, and had no one greet us. It is a bit like crashing a family reunion at that point.”
•“I’m nowhere near an introvert but the most awkward part of the service for me is the greet your neighbors . . . one church we attended had a 5 good minutes of meeting those sitting around you . . . our family who was very new to the church called it 5 awkward minutes. I just don’t understand how shaking a strangers hand makes for community?! Honestly I’d rather not!”
•“To this day I continue to dread the mid-service “stand up and greet the person next to you” time. I’m guessing extroverts and old-timers just don’t get how unhelpful of a practice it is.”
•“I’ve gotten up and walked out of churches that do the ‘let’s meet the visitors’ thing.”
•“I am not one to feel comfortable in the spotlight and literally everyone in the congregation smelled new blood and cornered me before I could make an exit.”
Yes, the feelings are strong, Very strong. Do these comments affect how you feel about this time in church worship services?
Yeah, I agree. When I go to church and they do that hand shaking business, people will put on a fake smile and either shake your hand or turn the other way. It’s always awkward and I’d wish they’d just skip it.
Why was he surprised by #1? It’s so obvious that many first timers would find forced meet-and-greets uncomfortable.
I am an usher in my Catholic church.
Stand-and-greet is a formal part of the Mass, just before the final part of the Eucharistic Prayer is said. So I guess it’s impossible to come to a Catholic church if you’re not comfortable with that.
A lady who attends our church confided in me why she quit attending another one several miles away. She has several health problems and is struggling financially. When they passed the basket she had nothing to put in. The usher gave her a dirty look. And then some child sitting behind her said “Did you see that, Daddy? That lady did not put any money in the basket.” When they passed it again the father chimed in with some comment like “Yes, Junior, I see the cheapskate”.
Obviously humiliated, she never went back.
The artificial, induced “greetings” are a turn off. What choice does anyone have, whether they mean it or not?
Sounds like a marketing study, which has no place in a Church of Jesus Christ.
The interesting thing is, the churches that are growing - which are mostly the non denominational churches - be they seeker churches, Apostle churches, charismatic churches, etc - ALL DO item number one.
I’ve NEVER liked it. Doesn’t keep me from church, but it’s a fabricated attempt to act friendly.
I’ve gone to church all of my life. I still don’t like the “meet and greet” time we baptists do. I can only imagine how visitors feel about it.
I would add sermons based on liberal ideology, such as global warming.
I couldn’t get to the door fast enough.
I usually sit at the end of the pew and when it comes time for the sign of peace, I get out and walk up and then down the aisle and shake people’s hands, and put my hand on toddlers and babies heads and bless them. I also mention the holiday (holy day) or national observance, too. If I am by the choir, I will shake the music ministers hand too, and give compliments.
I am considered an introvert, but Jesus said we need to mass, come together as a group, so at Mass, I go into the group and make a personal connection that includes eye contact, a warm word and a smile.
Lol reminds me of an incident a few years back at a church I attended; at the Christmas Eve service (began about 5 PM) two churchgoers GOT INTO A FISTFIGHT OVER A PARKING SPOT! The pastor wasn’t amused.
Worship according to God’s Word, the Bible, any other kind of man-invented worship is offensive to God.
Just so happens that worshipping God Biblically avoids all these problems.
Around a year ago, I went to a service with my daughter, because her friend was ringing bells and she wanted to watch.
First thing (I have encountered before at another church)...although I was a one time visitor, the Pastor did not know that...and, as he greeted people on their way in, he paid special attention to me...in a ‘used car salesman’ type of way. Its understandable - to him I’m a potential new parishioner, but its awkward.
Next, I had a hard time figuring out the music - there was more than one hymnal and everybody else instinctively knew how to switch back and forth - I was clueless as to how the system worked.
We did do the meet and greet thing, which I have always been uncomfortable with...growing up Catholic I’ve learned to deal with it, but not a fan.
The oddest thing, though - the Pastor had all the guests stand up. I dutifully stood up...but was not comfortable.
The entire time, we were there with another family (the family of the girl playing the bells). If we had been there without any ‘support’, I admit I would have been nervous the entire time. I think the main reason is that this is a very small church - and everybody knows each other. So I very much felt like an ‘outsider’.
The people were all very nice, and it was a good service. The bells exemplified a theme...my daughter’s friend is a teenager, but the rest of the bell crew was looked like retirees. This article is interesting to me though, because so many of the ‘complaints’ ring true to me, as a recent visitor to a church.
I dislike these items so badly (especially the meet and gree) that I only attend a small group/home study where we try to have genuine relationships. Going to Church for me was very lonely.
Our pastor suddenly started the hand shaking thing recently, after the second week, I got the cold the family near me has, and I still have some symptoms after two weeks. I am insulin dependant and getting ill affects my blood sugars. I avoid sick people like they have O’Bola. Forced hand shaking with sick people alarms me.
I spoke to the assistant pastor about it, since every church member I talked to after week two of the hand shaking during services was very upset about spreading colds and flu this way.
I hope that this Sunday the sharing of the germs will no longer be going on.The assistant pastor had no idea why the pastor started doing the sharing of the germs during services.
Ours is a very close and friendly congregation and we always have felowship time between services. The forced contact during services is the only thing I have ever found objectionable at our church. I hope the pastor will stop this germ spreading. No one likes it.
Interesting article. Quite honestly, the sharing of the peace is one thing I look forward to. We are a small church so it is much easier to do, but we get out of our seats and go around the whole sanctuary making sure to greet visitors. Almost like a chinese fire drill at times. :-) The main reason is because there is nothing worse than being new and no one greets you during this time. We have been in that position many times and it is just awkward. I tend to not greet the long time members who just stand there waiting for someone to come and spend the time reaching out to visitors instead.
So I would say that if you can’t “do it big” dont do it at all.
All I see is a copout list for people who do not want to worship the LORD.
The situation seems to be a bit different in my church. What keeps visitors from coming back is the language if they don’t speak Vietnamese. We do have visitors from time to time and a few have liked it because they liked the people and they have become permanent. They read the readings before they come to Mass and there is an English language essay on the readings on the back of the bulletin which they substitute for the homily that they don’t understand. It helps that in a Catholic church there is a lot more than the “sermon.” One fellow who has been coming for years actually goes to St Dominic’s across town on Saturday evening and then comes to us on Sunday morning. It helps that the Vietnamese babies don’t cry during Mass and cell phones are all turned off or left in the car.
My church can be a bit uptight. We had an MMA fighter come in with his family (he and wife had tattoos—very shocking for a small Lutheran church). I kind of knew about him through my work, so I introduced myself, and expressed interest in his sport, but sadly, they never came back. I just wish there was a little more that could have been done to keep them there because they were good people.
Article makes sense.