[SATIRE] Hemlock Society Proposes Cannibalism for Nutritional Value [SATIRE]

Left: The USDA Food Pyramid. The man running to the top is sacrificing his life and body for others to eat, according to the Hemlock Society.

New York, NY : The Hemlock Society, in an effort to make assisted suicide more logical and beneficial for all involved, is suggesting that the people euthanized be eaten for the nutritional benefits.

"We believe that human life should end in dignity, so in order to share that dignity with others, we think that a high-nutrient human food is an idea whose time has come. You honor the dead by destroying them, harvesting their essential nutrients, and strengthening your own body," explained Sherman Lockwood, a member of the society.

Using the USDA Food Pyramid, Lockwood explained how eating different parts of euthanized people could extend other person's quality of life. "You want to be careful not to overindulge in protein. Make human flesh part of a balanced diet. Salad would be a good side dish, for example; vitamins and fiber in one sitting."

There was, however, a dark side to this announcement: "We just want to caution people: if you plan to do this, you must kill the other person with a drug that would not be received as poison by the cannibal. Otherwise, your own death with dignity may be coming a bit sooner than you plan."

Although the Catholic Church has expressed outrage at this concept, Lockwood responds: "I don't see what the fuss is about. This idea is quite noble: people sacrificing life for the greater good. And if people can't see that their lives are useless and without worth, we'll take care of them, I mean, that. After all, the American public has already determined that we should be allowed to create and destroy human life for the good of finding cures to disabling and fatal diseases. This simply takes the concept to the next level. Or really, the same level, but a little later in the game."

When asked what was next on the Hemlock Society's agenda, Lockwood said, "We're thinking about how to teach our message of dignity through usefulness to those in famine-infested areas. Instead of dying slow and painful deaths due to malnutrition, we'd like to offer them the option to shoot them up. More dignified death for them, fewer drains on resources, and therefore more nutrients for us and the others affected by famine: problem solved."

When asked whether it wouldn't be a better use of time and energy to go to famine-infested areas and share food and water, Lockwood responded he wouldn't entertain ridiculous questions, and closed the interview.

Oh look - a Catholic humor website! And one after my own heart! Read their disclaimer from their homepage:

The Ironic Catholic
Location:This side of Heaven, Middle America
Irony: 1. The use of words to express something different from and often opposite to their literal meaning. 2. An expression or utterance marked by a deliberate contrast between apparent and intended meaning. 3. A literary style employing such contrasts for humorous or rhetorical effect. See Synonyms at wit.(Dictionary.com)
I.e.:This is a joke, people.
When I took my first college religion class, my professor argued that we are called to study religion with the three "H"s: Honesty, Humility, and Humor. This SATIRE website is meant to engage that last calling. I am an observant, overeducated, and devoted Catholic, working for the Church. This site is meant to (gently) poke fun at the culture and characters, including myself, around the Catholic Church in particular, and Christianity at large. I would never poke fun at the heart of the faith. But in times when we fail in expressing the unity of being the Mystical Body of Christ, maybe laughing at ourselves would be a good way to decrease the tensions and remember what we are truly about: the love of God for all people.
Laugh like Sarai. Remember God made laughter too.

THIS IS SATIRE. HUMOR.

You all remember "laughing" - that thing that you used to do, in response to watching "Gilligan's Island", before you became a Christian? Laughter is what your pastor is trying to provoke in you, when he tells those bad jokes at the beginning of his sermon. Right before "putting His enemies under his feet" (Psalm 110), IMO "getting Christians to laugh" must be the second-to-the-last thing that Christ will accomplish before the Second Coming.

In Ecclesiastes 2:2, the author complains that laughter is "madness", asking "what does it accomplish?" Psalm 2:4 tells us that God, in heaven, laughs and scoffs at the kings of this earth "in derision". Psalm 37:13 says the Lord laughs at the wicked, for "their day is coming". But for the faithful, Genesis 21:6 tells us that laughter is an appropriate response to God's blessings, Job 8:21 promises laughter for those afflicted by Satan, and Psalm 126:2 says laughter is a sign to unbelieving nations that God has done great things for us. As Christians, we should learn to laugh more.

That said, why do I include all these warnings, sirens, and sledgehammer-to-the-head graphics telling you not to take this seriously? Recently, a poster claimed that every one of my posts "end up making FReepers look publicly stupid." Please remember that those are not my words. While I'm appreciative of the compliment, I can't exactly brag about my I.Q. (I know at least four current- and former-FReepers who have I.Q.s from twenty to fifty points HIGHER than mine, so what bragging rights does that leave me?). Said poster insisted that I provide sufficient warnings on all my humor threads, in advance, telling you that you're about to read something ficticious and humorous. This is needed, apparently, to prevent you from having to think about what you're reading, and hurting yourself in the process. If it makes you feel any better, please know that I give you all more credit than that, but others don't. They thought that you looked stupid on my earlier threads, and that you needed these warning labels.

Mel Brooks (not a Christian) once defined laughter in this way: "Tragedy is me cutting my finger. Comedy is you getting eaten by a tiger." Take that for what it's worth.

THIS IS A HAIR PLUG

Oh, praise the Lord! Free Republic has a new ping list! And YOU can join it now! FReepmail me if you want to be added to The Free Republic PTL Ping List and HAIR Club!

This should never happen to anybody. Don't let this happen to you! Join the pinglist now!

So what are YOU waiting for? Join The Free Republic PTL Ping List and HAIR Club TODAY! FReepmail me for details!

PTL=Pardon The Laughing
HAIR=Hilariously Ablutionary Irreverent Reading

Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.