Lammentations of a Dieter

ChronWatch ^ | 24 May 2003 | Doc Farmer

[DocFarmer]

"Lammentations of a Dieter"

Posted by Doc Farmer < http://www.chronwatch.com/site_search.asp?auth=90 > Saturday, May 24, 2003

I've made no secret of the fact that I'm fat, bald, and ugly. For those who think I'm putting myself down, though, I'm not. There's a difference between that and simple honesty of self. If I can't be honest with myself, how can I be expected to be honest with anybody else?

That said, though, I don't like being fat. Bald is okay, mind you (thank God for the Gillette Mach 3) and ugly keeps me from being mistaken for a Hollywood type. But fat ain't fun for me. I used to be skinny, and I liked skinny. I didn't like the reason I was skinny--near starvation due to being broke due to my ex-wife and a sick socialist concept in the United Kingdom which is wrongly-named the "Child Support Agency." But when I moved to the Middle East, I was finally able to afford to eat again.

And I did.

WAY too much.

So now, I'm on a mission. I started this diet a while back, and I've actually lost some weight. But it's been a struggle, and it's been damned confusing.

Confusing? Of course. For one thing, how much SHOULD I actually weigh? Every diet has you working toward a goal, a "target" weight that is optimal for your height, age, gender, and lifestyle (I'm talking sedentary/active, not gay/straight here, okay?). But there are several to choose from. One, the "body mass index" (BMI) says I should weigh 75kg (165 lbs). Okay, that's an achievable goal over time. But then there's another one that says that I should weigh only 71kg (156 lbs). All right, it's only another 9 lbs. I can probably do that. About a month ago I tried another calculation, and it said it should be 67kg (147.4 lbs). Now we're starting to strain credulity here, as well as my dieting patience. Last week I found one that said I should only weigh 65kg (143 lbs). I'm waiting for the one that says I should weigh 28kg (61.6 lbs) which is, I believe, the actual weight of my skeleton!

And folks wonder why there's an anorexia problem. Girls (who get the problem far more than boys) keep seeing skinny on the news, and keep reading these conflicting weight structures. After a while, you've gone from Mama Cass to Calista Flockhart to Karen Carpenter.

Then there's another problem with being on a diet. Which one? There are HUNDREDS to choose from. Grapefruit, Atkins, vegetarian, vegan, low fat, low carb, low protein, high fat, high carb, high protein, the Water diet, the Popcorn diet, the McDonald's diet (my sister who works there and holds McDonald's stock recommends it for some reason...), the diet, etc. There's Weight Watchers, Overeaters Anonymous, NutriSystem--whole industries based on getting the flab off of you.

I've found a pretty good diet myself. It's called starvation. Hell, it worked when I lived in the UK.

No, seriously, my diet does seem to work. And it's real simple and cost effective. And it has the best chance of success for anybody. I'll share it with you for free. There are two simple rules:

Eat Less! Exercise More!

Hopefully, that'll blow any chances for Hanoi Jane's NEXT annoying exercise/political video...

Of course, there's the surgical option. Liposuction (translation: butcher knife plus ShopVac). No thanks, I'd rather get a root canal. Or two. Without anesthetic. Performed by a blasted lawyer. With SARS. And AIDS. Who's also high on crack, dust, and crystal meth.

Now, if you're on a diet, you're probably not getting all the nutrients that you should get. You're probably not getting essential oils, fatty acids, minerals, and those 11 herbs and spices that are so very necessary to good health. So you go to the local herbalist or GNC or your pharmacy's vitamin aisle to find all the stuff you need. Ever check out a GNC? It's a supermarket filled with nothing but pills--not drugs, just pills--to help you lose weight, gain weight, lose "bad" cholesterol, gain "good" cholesterol (dumb question: did bad cholesterol get caught cheating from good cholesterol's test in the finals or something?), reduce fatigue, increase libido (which won't help to reduce fatigue, trust me!), etc.

I'm trying to lose cholesterol along with the fat. Why? My last test blew up the cholesterol detectors. Into orbit.

So now, I take (hang on, counting here...) FORTY SIX pills, capsules and caplets every night with dinner.

Quite frankly, they're more filling than dinner!

And then there's the type of food you eat. Aside from the type of diet, you are told to be afraid of what you eat because it has additives and chemicals and stuff. So you have to march to the local health-food store to get "organic" or "natural" foods. Have you been to a "health" food store lately? More dirt on the floor than you've got in your yard. The specialist there looks like he's got one foot in the grave and another on an organically grown, pesticide free banana peel. And this is a person from whom people take advice for their health?

Here's a tip. Almost all food is Natural and/or Organic. Unless you eat rocks and clouds, chances are the food you buy was actually GROWN! And by the way, there is only ONE food product that cannot be classified as natural. The Twinkie. I don't know what it's made out of, and frankly I don't want to know either.

Another thing to "digest" about dieting. Have you ever checked out those "serving" suggestions on all the food products you buy? I've got a can of Campbell's Soup here. A regular can. It serves "two and a half." Excuse me? First of all, why would you put a half a serving in the can? Second, since when does a serving of soup consist of only 9 tablespoons? And check out a box of crackers or a bag of chips. Serving suggestion there--4 or 6. Ever try to eat ONLY 4 or 6 crackers or chips? Folks never read that, they only see that it's 78 calories per serving--and to them, a serving is the whole box, can or bag. Want to really lose weight fast? Petition the food companies to list the calories and fat contained in the whole container. Once you see how many calories you're sucking in, it'll make you think more than just twice!

Finally, when you lose fat, where does it go? Is it floating around somewhere in the ether, waiting for that unguarded moment to attach itself directly to my hips? Or is there another reason they call those places "fat farms"?

Well, that's enough for now. Time to walk a few miles, eat some air-popped popcorn, have 9 spoonfuls of soup, and continue toward my ultimate goal:

Skinny, bald, and ugly!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Doc Farmer resides and works in Doha, Qatar.

http://www.chronwatch.com/content/contentDisplay.asp?aid=2833

[goldstategop]

I'm trying to be skinny. Mostly I'm all bones. Getting rid of the flab in the middle is no mean feat but I think now I'm getting there - with low fat and healthy diets and eating less and taking long walks.

[Iris7]

Actually funny. True, also. The current recommendation for target weight is a BMI between 20 and 24. This corresponds well to actuarial data as far as I can tell.

[goldstategop]

Which is why in this century obesity is such an issue. For most of human history, it was starvation. People complain and don't know how good they have it today compared with those who lived in generations past.

[Keith in Iowa]

That whole BMI thing is a statistical load of crap.

And the US Government's food pyramid is good for one thing: fattening cattle for market.

You're probably going to get lots of replies swearing that their diet choice is the perfect one for you, and everyone else. The pro-Atkins crowd, and the Atkins-will-kill-you crowd. There have been several threads in the not too distant past that have talked the subject to death. The bottom line to reduce your bottom line is to find what works for you, and keep doing it - and ignore all the advice that's sure to come - heck, you can even ignore me.

[governsleastgovernsbest]

I'm fat, bald, and ugly

Some might be unaware that "Doc Farmer" is actually the screen name of FR lurker and occasional poster, Henry "Nostrilitis" Waxman! ;-)

[Psalm118]

Actually you mean NOSTRILDAMUS.

(Accent gràve on DAM-US...)

[SamAdams76]

I don't put any stock in the federal weight guidelines. Just look in the mirror. That will tell you right there if you are fat or skinny. Another hint is the clothes you buy. If you are buying jeans that say things like "relaxed fit", then you are probably too fat. If your shirt size contains the letters "XL", then you are probably too fat.

Anyway, I am currently losing 2-3 pounds a week after being "too fat" for years and years. There are only two rules you need to follow to lose weight reliably and they are stated in this article: "Eat Less, Exercise More."

I now walk 6-8 miles a day, every day. I go for a 3-mile walk in the morning and I go for another 3-mile walk during my lunch hour at work. (I usually walk another 2 miles during the course of the day.) On weekends, I try to walk even more. In fact, shortly after I write this, I'm going for my first walk of the day.

Finding time to walk is not hard to do if you use your lunch hour and can get up early in the morning. Yes, it takes discipline, but if you want to lose weight, you need discipline.

The walking reduces my hunger and it is thus easy to eat less. But I don't simply "eat less." I am much more discriminating about what I put in my mouth these days. All processed junk foods are out. All fast foods are out. Virtually all packaged supermarket foods are out - if the list of ingredients reads like some kid's chemistry project, I don't eat it.

I stick with real foods only. Basically, if you don't kill it or if you don't grow it, I don't eat it. That still leaves plenty of good stuff like steaks, chicken, fish, vegetables, fruits, nuts, olive oil, etc. Oh yes, beer and wine too, for those are 100% natural products.

Last weekend I had on Saturday blackened swordfish with jalapenos, corn, and Spanish rice drenched in olive oil. On Sunday, I had T-bone steak with mushrooms, onions and cous-cous (a Moroccan-style rice). So as you can see, I eat pretty good.

But those are dinners. For breakfast, I usually have just a banana after my first 3-mile walk. I'm just not that hungry when I return from it. For lunch, I usually have a tin of sardines (packed in olive oil, garlic, peppers and with olive slices) or a small bag of peanuts after my second 3-mile walk. That tides me over until dinner and I don't feel hungry in the slightest bit.

As for those health store pills, I don't go near the health stores. I don't believe in popping vitamin pills. I prefer to get my vitamins from the foods I eat.

Anyway, time for my walk...

[DocFarmer]

AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

No, "Doc Farmer" is the screen name for "Doc Farmer". Yes, that's my real name. That photo doesn't even come close to looking like me...

Picture Jabba the Hutt with facial hair, and you'll be closer to the mark!

[Wonder Warthog]

"That whole BMI thing is a statistical load of crap."

Ain't THAT the truth. My brother and I are the same height, but his inseam is 34" and mine is 30"--yet the BMI says we should weigh the same. I think not.

[Twinkie]

My screen name is Twinkie. Twinkies are okay. The post
is funny.

[MaryFromMichigan]

As I see it.......
Eat what you want, just watch the portions.
And get some form of exercise.
I suggest you don't go a diet that doesn't let you eat the foods you like or crave.
When you go off the diet (and 99% of people do) the weight will come right back.
Have a between meal snack so you don't get too hungry.
(You Mom was right, eating a snack before a dinner will run your appetite!)
When you "starve" yourself you'll simple overeat later.
We're overthinking this whole diet thing.

[goldstategop]

There's the Healthy Choice frozen dinners and now they have a line of scrumptious gourmet meals. So you don't have to choose between eating nothing and wishing you had great food. I look at my waist and I'm happy. About the only thing that I feel increases people's paunch is the oversized portions restaurants serve, which like enough food for six people. LMAO!

[wafflehouse]

that spelling mistake in the title is HUGH

[MaryFromMichigan]

"the only thing that I feel increases people's paunch is the oversized portions restaurants serve, which like enough food for six people"

I agree with that!
There are other reasons, too, of course, but "super sizing" is not good.

[tob2]

You pointed out all the complexities of the weight control issue. When I use the "guidelines" for weight/height, I look like a walking skeleton! The whole issue boils down to coming to a place where you look and feel your best and are most comfortable with yourself. As you said, there is an entire industry out there trying to convince you to do it their way. There is no one way appropriate for everybody. Eat less and exercise more is only a part of the equation.

[DocFarmer]

Tell that to my editor - when I sent it in, it was spelled correctly...

[governsleastgovernsbest]

Nostrildamus - LOL!

[governsleastgovernsbest]

Sorry, Doc! Just having a little fun. I'm sure the Wax Meister wouldn't dare hang out at FR. Anyhow, Jabba's a much cooler-looking dude than Ol' Nostrilitis (or Nostrildamus as another poster has suggested!)

[nickcarraway]

Cous cous is actually a granular pasta, believe it or not.