An Open Letter to President Jacques Chiraq

30 April 2003 | Doc Farmer

[DocFarmer]

An Open Letter to President Jacques Chiraq

Dear Jack,

I'm an American. And as an American, there are some things I want to get off my chest. Colin Powell would probably make this sound all nice and fancy, but I'm not a diplomat, as the next few paragraphs will make painfully clear to you.

I don't like you very much, Jack. I don't like you, your government or your country. I think as allies go you make a passable enemy. You sure as shootin' could never be mistaken as a friend. Not to put a fine point on it, you suck as a country. You're a president of a bunch of losers. You're wine is too expensive and the quality is too low. Your cheeses smell and taste like vomit. Your people are rude, ungrateful, surly and snotty. Your language is dying. You've made no real substantive contribution to the world community in close to a century.

And yet you want the world to believe that you're relevant. That you're a world power, a force to be reckoned with.

Yeah, right. Pull the other one, it's got bells on.

I think I understand why you idiots do nuclear tests in the Pacific. It's just to remind yourselves that you're supposedly a superpower. Well, you may have many megatons of firepower, but you're not a superpower. Y'see, a superpower actually WINS from time to time. That description doesn't quite apply to you, though, does it? I mean, let's face it, if Paris was invaded by three small kittens, there'd be a sea of hairy armpits (of both genders) waving gently in the fetid breeze. You'd be ripping off the red and the blue portions of your flag so that you could wave the remainder in the air.

You've been helping an old and dear friend of yours these past several years. A good friend, to whom you supplied a nuclear plant. I know it must have galled you (pun intended) to have the Israelis blow up that nifty bit of real estate, but they knew that Iraq would build nukes with it. And so did you. But you didn't care, as long as there was a franc to be made, right?

And that attitude carried over for many years to come.

Remember Gulf War I? YOU were the one who stopped the UN Coalition from going forward and taking out Saddam Hussein. Why? Well, he was a friend of yours. And you wanted to keep him in power. Did you care that he would slaughter tens of thousands of his own people? Naaaaa! You knew he's still buy your weapons, and he knew you'd still buy his oil. You knew that the money he gave you was really meant for food and medicine for his people, but you needed that cash more than they needed their lives, right?

And then came 9/11. Oh, you said some small words of comfort, but that's all they were. Small words. From a small man. But you still supported a terrorist, who ran a terrorist nation, and supported terrorist cells. Including the one that murdered THREE THOUSAND of our own people on our own soil. And you said that you supported the United States, and that you were our friend.

LIAR!!!

You agreed to UN Resolution 1441. Remember? You should, you voted for it. It gave Iraq one last chance to disarm. Besides the other 16 “last chances” to disarm, of course. Colin Powell negotiated with you jerks for over a month and a half. But you signed on the dotted line.

And Hans Blix, who I am quite sure has all the visual acuity of Ray Charles with a blindfold on, still was able to tell you that Iraq was not complying with UN Res. 1441. And what was going to happen if Iraq DIDN’T comply with 1441? It wasn’t in any find print, Jacko, it was right out in the open. You don’t comply, we MAKE you comply. Militarily.

Suddenly, you seemed to forget what you signed. You also seemed to forget who your real friends are. The ones that saved your sorry butts and dragged you out of two world wars. The ones that had more guts than you did, and didn’t bend over and grab their ankles as you did when Hitler drove up the Champs Élysees, but instead kicked them out of your sorry excuse for a nation at the cost of tens of thousand American and British lives.

No, you wanted to flex your flabby muscles, so you started backstabbing the US. You went to African countries on the Security Council and started to strong-arm them. You told your new Euro-neighbours to shut up, and included a veiled threat that they wouldn’t be welcome in “your” Europe. You gave aid and comfort to Iraq during this time as well. You provided them with the names of some good assassins, with military intelligence that would compromise US/Coalition safety and lives, and you kept selling them weapons.

Why?

Because you were afraid of losing all those lucrative oil contracts. $60 BILLION, wasn’t it? And you didn’t want your friends to see just how far up your nether regions your old buddy Saddam was ensconced…

Well, we’re finding out now. And what we’re finding proves to Americans just how squamulose you scum-sucking lowlife frog bastards truly are.

I know that President Bush still thinks you guys can be trusted. And loathe as I am to disagree with him, in this case he’s wrong. You’ve proven yourself unworthy. You can’t be trusted. You can’t be believed. You can’t be dealt with.

So here’s what is going to happen. And trust me, you’re not going to like it.

Right now, there’s a boycott going on of French products, goods and services. I’m sending this to my elected representatives in United States Congress, and asking them to expand this to a governmental level. I want to see ALL trade with your country stopped. You’ll probably stop trading with us as well. That’s your choice. But considering that you buy a lot more of our products then we by of yours, I’d guess that this will sting a bit.

But there’s more.

I’m also going to ask my congressmen and senators to bring back all of the US servicemen buried in your country. They are heroes, and they don’t deserve to be cradled in ground as unhallowed as you have made it.

I’m going to recommend that the US immediately increase the tariffs on all French imports to 1,000% of the retail price.

I’m going to recommend that all US Embassies and Consulates in your country be closed, and that all diplomatic relations cease forthwith. You want to talk to us? Call a third party. But don’t expect us to answer you, except in sentences that end in the phrase “and the horse you rode in on”. I’m also going to recommend that your Ambassador and consular staff be booted out of here. Preferably at gunpoint. Preferably naked. Preferably down the middle of the street, so folks can laugh and point at your people’s “inadequacies”…

I’m going to recommend that all current military, trade and cultural agreements with your country cease.

I’m going to recommend that you be booted out of NATO. And if you’re not, the US will dissolve NATO.

I’m going to recommend that the US pull out of the United Nations. Barring that, I’m going to suggest that France be removed from the Security Council as a permanent member, and have their veto power stripped.

And if you attempt to retaliate in any military fashion whatsoever, I’m going to recommend that we do to you what we did to Saddam.

You’ve marginalised yourself and your country, Jack. You’ve angered a country that was your best friend and your greatest defender (please note the past tense here). You’ve sided with the terrorists. You’ve harmed the innocent.

You’ve screwed up big time.

And now you’re going to pay for your lack of judgement.

I’d end this by suggesting you go to hell, but you’re already in Paris, which is close enough.

Get bent,

Doc Farmer Doha, Qatar

p.s. va te faire foutre et le cheval que vous êtes monté dedans dessus

[DocFarmer]

In case any of you want to tell Jack where to go, here are some web and e-Mail addresses that might come in handy…

http://www.elysee.fr/ecrire/index.htm http://www.info-france-usa.org/contactus.asp http://www.diplomatie.gouv.fr/courrier/default.asp?lang=gb&code=actu http://www.minefi.gouv.fr/minefi/courrier/index.htm http://www.premier-ministre.gouv.fr/fr/p.cfm?ref=6959 courrier_defense@defense.gouv.fr courrierweb@cor-retraites.fr

[Lando Lincoln]

One point.......They (the French) need to bathe more often. Otherwise - sums it up quite well.

[LisaAnne]

Excellent!
bump

[sarasota]

Now we need a similar letter to Putin.

[areafiftyone]

Great Letter! LOL - Sea of Hairy Armpits and Stinky cheese! What a stench!

[Conspiracy Guy]

Nice letter but I'd turn it up a bit but then it would get pulled and I'd be put on double secret probation. Thanks for sharing.

[Conspiracy Guy]

That's Pootin. Thanks

[BOBTHENAILER]

I’d end this by suggesting you go to hell, but you’re already in Paris, which is close enough.

This is too good. Way to go DocFarmer.

I have one small problem with your letter.

YOU WERE WAY TOO EASY ON THEM

Free Iraq, bomb Chirac!

[netmilsmom]

May I add, a similar letter to the House of Saud may be in order?

[cardinal4]

You'd be ripping off the red and the blue portions of your flag so that you could wave the remainder in the air.

LOL!

[DocFarmer]

I'll leave that to you. I lived in Riyadh for 4 1/2 years, and I got along quite well with the Saudis. I think you're gonna see some changes in that country in the next 2 years that you'll be pretty pleased with...

[DocFarmer]

Well, I was tempted to add the following -

"Yer Muther Wuz A Hamsturr, And Yer Fathur Smelt... Of ELDERBERRIES!!!"

but even I have to have some limits, don'tchaknow...

[tsmith130]

I've lurked here for a while but your post finally made me register.....IT WAS BRILLANT!

[DocFarmer]

Many thanks, I appreciate that. I was hoping to publish that article, but it was a bit too strong for most of the websites. Glad I was able to vent my spleen here, and that folks seem to like the result...

[ken5050]

Most excellent rant......BTW, we forget it, but France has a long history of perfidy in it's dealings with the US. We tend to give the frogs a putative pass because of their help during the Revolution, but France attempted to stab us in the bag during the negotiations over the Louisiana purchase..typical of them

[BOBTHENAILER]

but even I have to have some limits, don'tchaknow...

Thank goodness. The addition of the Parental slam could have had global ramifications that Tom Daschle would have been saddened, saddened, and deeply disturbed over. Sen. Heinz-Kerry would have then been compelled to give a major foreign policy speech extolling the virtues of global sophisticated diplomacy which should include such great allies as the Germans, Russians and in particular, your target, the French.

[Noumenon]

They don't have much of a choice, do they?

[holdmuhbeer]

What kind of changes do you think we'll see in Saudi?

[DocFarmer]

Hell, if I'd known that, I WOULD have included it. I wonder if I can send Chiraq an addendum...

[DocFarmer]

Understand, this is only a guess on my part. And it'll have to do with two major issues - US/Coalition pressure, and the current King popping his clogs...

The Crown Prince Abdullah seems to be a bit more progressive than his brother (the reigning monarch), and he's been distancing himself from some of the more radical elements of the Wahabi. There have been some curbs placed on the Mutawa in recent years, and the Internet is showing folks a lot more of what's going on (except in the world of porno, sadly...).

If I had to guess, I'd state that the House of Saud will remain in control of the government, but that it will modify from a strict monarchy to a constitutional monarchy. Some additional representative reforms will be introduced (the council of ministers will be expanded to an elected group instead of appointed). Although Islam will remain the state religion, I think there will be some relaxation of the stricter interpretation of many cultural practices. However, I think it'll take many years before women are allowed to drive. But that's only because the men don't want to have the women show them up (Saudi driving is one of the most frightening experiences you can ever have, trust me!).

But this is only a guess...