Free Republic
Browse · Search
News/Activism
Topics · Post Article

Skip to comments.

Entire Nation of Israel Converts to Catholicism
BSNN.NET ^ | 04/23/2002 | Lazamataz

Posted on 04/23/2002 6:35:19 AM PDT by Lazamataz

As the elected leader of the newly-designated Roman Catholic State of Israel, Airel Sharon has assumed the position of Cardinal of the Israeli Diocese.  

JERUSALEM In an effort to confuse Palestinian bombers, the entire nation of Israel converted to Catholicism today. As the Knesset met yesterday, Shlomo Benizri submitted legislation that would formally change the official religion of Israel to Christianity in general and Roman Catholicism in particular. 

Speaking outside the Knesset chamber, Benizri told reporters, "If we just change religions, maybe the Palestinians won't really notice us any more."
 
The measure passed overwhelmingly. 
 
Alex Plotzker, of the news organization Ha'aretz, said in a commentary Monday night: "This brilliant move by our government will certainly lower our profile in the Islamic world. And now that we are no longer Jews, there is not so much reason to hate our freakin' guts, is this not true?"
 
As the people of Israel struggled to adapt to the change, airlifts of Crucifixes, Stations of the Cross, little Patron Saint cards and painted statues of the Virgin Mary were being planned from the United States. 

"Oy vey," lamented one unidentified man. "Now I should no longer atone for my sins once a year on Yom Kippur, but instead I should go to this 'confession' every week? Sounds like I am paying retail."
 
"Does that mean I have to change my name from Binyamin Chazan to Mark Masamacchi?" puzzled another.
 
In the Vatican, the Pope was informed of this recent development, but an ankle injury prevented him from commenting.


TOPICS: Editorial; Extended News; Israel; Political Humor/Cartoons
KEYWORDS: catholiclist; fakeout; haahaa; heehee; hoohoo; lazhumor; nottrue; spoof
Navigation: use the links below to view more comments.
first 1-5051-100101-150151-169 next last
I'm on a roll lately.
1 posted on 04/23/2002 6:35:20 AM PDT by Lazamataz
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | View Replies]

To: RaceBannon; Registered; dennisw; veronica; Sabramerican; Thinkin' Gal
Well, this is one possible solution.....
2 posted on 04/23/2002 6:36:36 AM PDT by Lazamataz
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Lazamataz
Too phunny. Even the Eurotrash will finally love Israel. This is cracking me uppp!!!
3 posted on 04/23/2002 6:36:51 AM PDT by goldstategop
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: M. Thatcher; eddie willers; real saxophonist; dead; Sir Gawain
WHOOP dere it is... WHOOP dere it is...
4 posted on 04/23/2002 6:37:30 AM PDT by Lazamataz
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Lazamataz
Though clearly non-PC, this is truly funny. :-)
5 posted on 04/23/2002 6:38:40 AM PDT by Hail Caesar
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Travis McGee; Squantos; Poohbah; harpseal
Mudsucking Grunt Bump.
6 posted on 04/23/2002 6:39:31 AM PDT by Lazamataz
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: CHICAGOFARMER;TheRightGuy;usconservative;GRRRRR;Redwing9;spintreebob;Chicagolady
Chicago Bump
7 posted on 04/23/2002 6:41:04 AM PDT by Lazamataz
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: sistergoldenhair; facedown; cfrels; SpyderTim
Chicago Bump
8 posted on 04/23/2002 6:43:46 AM PDT by Lazamataz
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Lazamataz
Does this mean the gay Jews will have to convert, too? - oy vey, indeed... ;-)
9 posted on 04/23/2002 6:43:52 AM PDT by Hail Caesar
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: goldstategop
Are you kidding? The Euroweenies would all convert to Judaism and start a Catholic-bashing campaign.
10 posted on 04/23/2002 6:44:13 AM PDT by mseltzer
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 3 | View Replies]

To: pro2A Mom; technochick99; Saundra Duffy; dbwz; basil; PistolPaknMama; Hotline
2asisters.org bump!
11 posted on 04/23/2002 6:44:37 AM PDT by Lazamataz
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

Comment #12 Removed by Moderator

To: Stand Watch Listen; HAL9000; LJLucido; patton; Interesting Times; Jethro Tull
This is *one* possible solution to the Mid East crisis...
13 posted on 04/23/2002 6:46:37 AM PDT by Lazamataz
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: one_particular_harbour
Damn.
14 posted on 04/23/2002 6:46:54 AM PDT by Lazamataz
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 12 | View Replies]

To: Lazamataz
Talk about "thinking outside the box." What an idea!!

Will this mean that the inhabitants of the US no longer have to fear the terrorists?

15 posted on 04/23/2002 6:47:53 AM PDT by syriacus
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: abundy; Lancey Howard; Lancey Howard; Standing Wolf; NotJustAnotherPrettyFace; Southack
Desperate times call for desperate measures
16 posted on 04/23/2002 6:47:57 AM PDT by Lazamataz
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Cincinatus' Wife; Sarcasm; Czar Chasm; seamole; sneakypete; mercuria; annaz
Thinking-outside-the-box bump.
17 posted on 04/23/2002 6:50:27 AM PDT by Lazamataz
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Lazamataz
"Oy vey," lamented one unidentified man. "Now I should no longer atone for my sins once a year on Yom Kippur, but instead I should go to this 'confession' every week? Sounds like I am paying retail."

Oy vey! Now THAT is funny!!

18 posted on 04/23/2002 6:50:31 AM PDT by SuziQ
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Lazamataz
This is a joke, but Theodor Herzel, the father of secular Zionism, actually considered mass conversion of Jews to Christianity in order to get more widespread support for a "Jewish" homeland.

Years ago, somebody from the "Neturei Karta" (those wascally wabbis who always show up at anti-Israel demonstrations) told me this factoid. I didn't believe it, so he told me to go look it up in "any Zionist textbook."

"Founder of political Zionism. Born in Budapest, his education was German with little Jewish influence. He became a correspondent and later editor of the "Neue Freie Presse" in Vienna. For a while he toyed with the idea of converting and felt that mass conversion might solve the problem of anti-Semitism."

I'm not making this up.

19 posted on 04/23/2002 6:51:12 AM PDT by Alouette
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: A Citizen Reporter; ABG(Anybody but Gore); b4its2late; Mozart Lover; Guenevere; Oneidam...
The only possible solution that I can see....
20 posted on 04/23/2002 6:51:15 AM PDT by Lazamataz
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Lazamataz
Just don't forget the lox & bagels, now known as donuts & fish!
21 posted on 04/23/2002 6:51:46 AM PDT by norraad
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 16 | View Replies]

To: Hail Caesar
"gay Jews"

A paradox if there ever was one...

22 posted on 04/23/2002 6:52:18 AM PDT by Windsong
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 9 | View Replies]

To: Lazamataz
So what you're saying is the Israelis will only be molesting the Palestinian teenage boys that throw rocks?
23 posted on 04/23/2002 6:52:53 AM PDT by Registered
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Registered
You said what I thought but didn't want to post...
24 posted on 04/23/2002 6:53:23 AM PDT by Corin Stormhands
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 23 | View Replies]

To: Registered
So what you're saying is the Israelis will only be molesting the Palestinian teenage boys that throw rocks?

oooo. I didn't think of the pedophilia angle.

The Jews cannot *buy* a break, huh? ;^)

25 posted on 04/23/2002 6:53:46 AM PDT by Lazamataz
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 23 | View Replies]

To: Lazamataz
you gotta put a few more pounds on that new 'Israeli' cardinal there, though......
26 posted on 04/23/2002 6:54:38 AM PDT by AmericanInTokyo
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Rodney King; ironman; IronJack; IowaHawk; firehat
The only way out of this crisis is capitulation.
27 posted on 04/23/2002 6:55:13 AM PDT by Lazamataz
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: AmericanInTokyo
you gotta put a few more pounds on that new 'Israeli' cardinal there, though.....

It's amazing ANYone can get fat on kosher food.

You ever try to choke down a kosher pizza?

Don't.

28 posted on 04/23/2002 6:56:35 AM PDT by Lazamataz
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 26 | View Replies]

To: Archie Bunker on steroids; PatrioticAmerican; SLB; Trueblackman; STD; holdonnow; Doclim
There are solutions to every problem....
29 posted on 04/23/2002 6:58:37 AM PDT by Lazamataz
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: dighton; Nick Danger; Senator Pardek; Nita Nupress; Askel5
Desperate times call for desperate measures....
30 posted on 04/23/2002 7:00:39 AM PDT by Lazamataz
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Lazamataz
Sounds like I am paying retail

Jews have a real aversion to the whole-cost.

31 posted on 04/23/2002 7:01:26 AM PDT by TheRightGuy
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Lazamataz
In a related story, the Basilica of St. Golda Meir reported that the Blessed Knesset Novena cards had been chosen by the Little Sisters of Hadassah in the US for a symbol of solidarity...
32 posted on 04/23/2002 7:02:25 AM PDT by Judith Anne
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Lazamataz
Funny you!
33 posted on 04/23/2002 7:02:29 AM PDT by technochick99
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 30 | View Replies]

To: TheRightGuy
Jews have a real aversion to the whole-cost.

Play on the word Holocaust? :o)

34 posted on 04/23/2002 7:02:49 AM PDT by Lazamataz
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 31 | View Replies]

To: Lazamataz
lol... the Muslims will complain that the peal of church bells will drown out their calls to prayers. The Jewish prayer beads could easily be transformed into rosaries. And the sprinkling of 'Holy Water' would keep the dessert dust down. Now all that remains is a sighting of the Blessed Virgin in Jerusalem.

Good work Laz....lol and lol

35 posted on 04/23/2002 7:03:00 AM PDT by Stand Watch Listen
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 13 | View Replies]

To: Lazamataz
Reminds me of an old graffiti--"Jesus Saves--Moses Invests!"
36 posted on 04/23/2002 7:03:39 AM PDT by Judith Anne
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 30 | View Replies]

To: technochick99
Funny you!

Lovely you! ;^)

That's my second published article in as many weeks. :o) Maybe THIS is our third income... :o)

37 posted on 04/23/2002 7:03:45 AM PDT by Lazamataz
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 33 | View Replies]

To: Lazamataz
It may not be necessary; maybe the Palestinians are one of those lost tribes...
38 posted on 04/23/2002 7:06:24 AM PDT by grania
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Lazamataz
Bust out the Christmas trees and Easter eggs.

Realistically this wouldn't matter to Muslims they don't seem to get along with Hindus in India, or Christians in the Sudan.

39 posted on 04/23/2002 7:10:28 AM PDT by NeoCaveman
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Lazamataz
..."there is not so much reason to hate our freakin' guts, is this not true?"

Not until later in the afternoon when Yassir Arafat announced that all Palestinians were becoming Presbyterians.

40 posted on 04/23/2002 7:10:49 AM PDT by uglybiker
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Lazamataz
ROTFLMAO I wonder if the Vatican's pro Pali position would change.
41 posted on 04/23/2002 7:11:47 AM PDT by weikel
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Lazamataz
The only possible solution that I can see....

A mass conversion to Catholicism might, just might, render the Jews safe from the Muslims, but a lateral move from the God of Abraham to the Whore of Babylon will only double the proselytizing efforts of the member churches of the Southern Baptist Convention.

You can run, but you can't hide from the Baptists. No one can, not even Methodists.

42 posted on 04/23/2002 7:12:23 AM PDT by wimpycat
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 20 | View Replies]

To: grania
WEll, they have tribal tendencies. And they are lost...
43 posted on 04/23/2002 7:13:27 AM PDT by uglybiker
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 38 | View Replies]

To: Lazamataz
Laz, have you considered the priesthood? We're gonna have some choice positions opening up.
44 posted on 04/23/2002 7:16:27 AM PDT by Romulus
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 30 | View Replies]

To: Lazamataz
Just think of the havoc this would cause to the Palestinians when the new Catholics discover what appears to be an image of the Virgin Mary one the outside of their holiest mosques and hordes of new converts swarm over it taking pictures and praying...

Before long, the palestinians will BEG them all to convert back or a new holy war would break out against the gawkers.

45 posted on 04/23/2002 7:17:16 AM PDT by piasa
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 37 | View Replies]

To: wimpycat
You can run, but you can't hide from the Baptists. No one can, not even Methodists.

So, I guess the new Baptist slogan is:

"ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US!"

46 posted on 04/23/2002 7:19:05 AM PDT by Constitution Day
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 42 | View Replies]

To: Lazamataz

So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Tel Aviv!

47 posted on 04/23/2002 7:20:53 AM PDT by Jeremiah Jr
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Romulus; Lazamataz
Laz, have you considered the priesthood? We're gonna have some choice positions opening up.

Laz, Romulus is trying to save your life. Or did you already jump?

48 posted on 04/23/2002 7:27:35 AM PDT by dighton
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 44 | View Replies]

To: Byron_the_Aussie; Bryan; Bob J; Saundra Duffy
What will the Pali bombers do now????
49 posted on 04/23/2002 7:28:38 AM PDT by Lazamataz
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: dighton
Only days remain, my life is over soon....

(j/k!)

50 posted on 04/23/2002 7:29:24 AM PDT by Lazamataz
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 48 | View Replies]


Navigation: use the links below to view more comments.
first 1-5051-100101-150151-169 next last

Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.

Free Republic
Browse · Search
News/Activism
Topics · Post Article

FreeRepublic, LLC, PO BOX 9771, FRESNO, CA 93794
FreeRepublic.com is powered by software copyright 2000-2008 John Robinson