Posted on 06/03/2005 6:34:39 PM PDT by blam
Grief counselling a waste of time, say psychologists
By Raj Persaud
(Filed: 04/06/2005)
Bereavement counselling - long considered by psychologists to be vital in recovering from the death of a loved one - may be a waste of time, according to a new study.
The research challenges a belief that has been firmly held by psychoanalysts since Sigmund Freud proposed in 1917 that confronting feelings is the healthiest way to cope with bereavement.
Many psychoanalysts have even argued that failure to express grief indicates - or may lead to - deep psychological problems.
These days, bereavement counsellors often urge people to express their sadness in order to release "suppressed emotions". Now, however, a group of psychologists from Utrecht University in the Netherlands, who carried out their own research and reviewed that of others, has found no link between emotional expression of grief and a lessening of subsequent distress.
They assessed 128 recently bereaved people four times over two years and found no significant statistical difference between the continued distress in those who shared their emotions and those who did not.
The authors, Wolfgang Stroebe, Henk Schut and Margaret Stroebe, whose research is published this week in the Clinical Psychology Review, also challenged the view that it is beneficial for those who have suffered loss to "write about their very deepest thoughts and feelings".
They reviewed previous trials in which bereaved people had been asked to write for 15 to 30 minutes either about a recent traumatic loss or a trivial topic, and found little evidence that writing about emotions was beneficial.
The authors said: "The findings challenge beliefs about grief work, emotional disclosure and beneficial interventions that were considered as self-evident by bereavement researchers only a decade ago."
They claimed that counselling was more likely to benefit those with "complicated" grief - such as those whose loved ones suffered a particularly traumatic death.
Why, the researchers then asked, do bereaved people with "uncomplicated" grief fail to benefit from "grief work"?
They concluded that the most common difficulty suffered by bereaved people is emotional loneliness: the feeling of being utterly alone, even when in the company of friends and family. This type of loneliness, they say, only abates with time and nothing can be done to aid recovery.
The findings are supported by Dr Colin Murray Parkes, a consultant psychiatrist and the president of the charity Cruse Bereavement Care.
He said: "There is no evidence that all bereaved people will benefit from counselling, and research has shown no benefit to arise from the routine referral of people to counselling for no other reason than that they have suffered bereavement."
• Dr Raj Persaud is the Gresham Professor for Public Understanding of Psychiatry
How do you fix the death of a loved one?
Well, (and I say this as a child of a former family therapist) you do have that problem, we can't go back and fix it, so now....how are you going to deal with the reality.
I don't believe you can ever fix the death of a loved one. All you have is your ability to react to it, to weave it into the fabric of your life and make the best of a heart wrenching situation. In fact, I think "grief counseling" may just give people false hope that it can be fixed and everything will be "perfect again." It will always cause pain, but it doesn't have to destroy your life. That is the choice.
That's what I was intending...but it came across a little harsh, huh?
Hank Hill has been saying this for years.
I understand what you're saying, and I agree with most of it. But I know many people who have done well with grief counseling. I think that "going to a shrink" is a lot different than talking to a counselor about a singular problem like grief. There ARE a lot of feelings to work out and through. I'd be a lot worse off today if it wasn't for the support that I got from others.
Unfortunately, there are a lot of people who can't rely on their families for support during grief. It used to be that every family had lost a child or two, when infant mortality was so high. So people had a built-in support group in their communities. These days, we have to seek out those with similar experiences to get through the pain.
I guess I object to the "buck up and deal" attitude of some of these posters. It's not that easy!
Thanks for your response, though. I appreciate it.
Just because there are some that feign victimhood, doesn't mean that real victims don't exist. And they need support.
And I understand how irritating the buck up and deal with it attitude can be. And oops! I sounded like one, which is not what I meant.
I think that your "aunt" did a great service. These days, people don't know how to deal with death and often end up saying things that make the pain worse. Then there are others who are empathetic and unselfish enough to listen to people and offer good advice. Sometimes they are "counselors" and sometimes they are just good friends.
It went the way of the work ethic and self-reliance.
Very good point!
Seven years ago I lost my wife and my kids their mother. After a two year struggle to beat a brain tumor Mary let it go. Grief counsellors flocked around the kids perpetuating the pain that only they knew too well. They were only too delighted to have this flock of tearful birds shown the door. They mother never squeaked of whined all through the horrors of a glio bastoma at its worst. I am proud to say that they rose above the grief; they are tough kids. Their old man however is a weepy jerk. As an old Irish bartender once said ' Hey, take it out the door! Only suckers beef."
First, I'm so sorry about your wife.
There's nothing worse than people (the grief counselors in your case) who insist on someone grieving the "right" way. There is no right way and everyone will deal with it differently. I guess the problem is categorizing all grief counselors in the same way. There are those who force the issues and those who listen and let people grieve in their own ways.
That's been my experience. I guess everyone is different.
Lizavetta,
My beautiful baby girl collapsed from cardiac arrest (no warning signs of any sort) while training with her college track team in January. She died after two days on life support and never regaining consciousness. I know the absolute misery you are going through. It's true that there's nothing like losing a child. In addition, it appears our 12-year-old son might have the same heart problem that we suspect killed his sister.
It sounds like a cliche, but I think that time is the only true healer. I've read that it's usually at least two years before your child isn't the center of your thoughts every day, and four years before most people are ready to "sort of" move on with their lives. I say "sort of" because I know that I will never again be the same.
Please e-mail me privately if you want to talk. I personally find talking helps me, whether it's with a counselor or somebody else.
Very sorry to hear of your loss. Just in our own little community, we've had three teenagers die suddenly of 'undiagnosed heart abnormalities' while running.
Two of those kids were from the same family. After the first collapsed and died, with no warning whatsoever, the parents had their second son checked out by cardiologists. He was given a clean bill of health by the experts, only to collapse and die a couple of years later, sadly.
In a way, it could be a blessing I suppose to know that one's life hangs by so slender a thread. After all, we ALL are vulnerable to death in the very next instant --it's just that for the most part we (who imagine ourselves safer or healthier than we really are), don't realize it or think about it.
The constant "memento mori," as the wise people of the Middle Ages used to put it, could help one to live a more thoughtful and better life.
But of course that is from the perspective of a doddering old adult like me. For a child it must be very difficult to come to terms with. (However with good parents like you, less difficult perhaps.)
In my opinion, besides personality differences, grief lessens faster in those who don't feel a lot of guilt about the way they treated the deceased person.
So perhaps you aren't up to reading much of anything right now. However, I do know that when I've suffered a grievous loss, I've eventually felt consoled by reading something by C. S. Lewis. Almost anything by C. S. Lewis!
"A Grief Observed," and its follow-up, "Letters to Malcolm" were most helpful. (Lewis also wrote "The Problem of Pain," which I have not read but have heard is excellent, though a bit of a tough slog for being more abstract and less personal.) Re-reading "Surprised by Joy" always cheers me too.
Anyway, that's just my humble suggestion. My prayers go out to you.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.