Posted on 03/05/2024 5:25:36 AM PST by Lazamataz
Well, it caught my attention. It’s an easy read, nothing too “in depth”. Feels a bit like it’s geared towards teenagers.
Two minuscule quibbles:
"More than two years earlier – twenty-eight months ago, to be exact -- he received a call from someone claiming that the Secretary of the State wished to talk to him." should be Secretary of State, not the state.
"When they arrived, he saw several armed soldiers guarding the entrance to elevator to the scaffolding. After checking his credentials, he entered the elevator." consider he was allowed to enter the elevator. That subtly emphasizes that he could be barred (or shot) should he fail inspection and try to enter anyway.
You've established tension in the first paragraph, and Sarah is mostly isolated and Jason is still in play.
You've set the stage with the team, will one of them be a plant, unhinged or a traitor to the species?
It wouldn't be difficult for the aliens to be more likable than our fellow humans. Or present themselves as such!
Deal. Public is fine. If it sucks, let me know. :^)
Today's adults are like yesteryear's teenagers.
Deal, then.
I’ll critique in segments so you won’t feel like it’s sipping from a fire hose.
Give me a few. I’ll be back in a bit with some commentary.
I’m no expert on writing, especially sci-if, but so far it seems good to me. 👍
About to start the day in earnest but I’ll read after work :-)
Ping.
What kind of reader? What kind of writer? Somehow quality classic literature did no need to resort to actual vulgarity and profanity, esp. in the lead. A poor substitute for quality.
I am not a writer of novels, but I think an idea for a novel could be that of an encounter in the future with a AI "human."
The "women" interviewing him already had a near complete profile of him - from what could be known, which was extensive - almost from the moment of facial recognition, and greeted him by name, and asking how his trip was, though she full well knew everything from each flight arrival to details when the lawn sprinkler would turn off. The interview for employment was mainly thus for psychological and legal purposes, which also indicated what the Omnicloud knew and what little it did not, the latter being critical to his future.
In a culture of declining Christian faith and morality, and of the family and character, thus even gender was now subjective, while the rise of rampant anarchy and increasing impotence of traditional enforcement resulted in the clamor for security, regardless of the cost of freedoms. Which the rise of an increasingly omniscient and omnipotent (earthly-wise) security apparatus promised to provide. Upon which all subjects were to depend upon, and therefore increasing unconditional allegiance was required.
Children were no longer taught by mere humans, but by transhumans, which could appear as biologically male or female, or an amalegamation of both, and with corespondent new names. The transhuman teacher had detailed information on all, from the time of their birth to that of the temperature of their bedroom (and thus the environmental rating of their homes). As well as a database of all the child's responses to events and questions.
And since under mandated government-issued health care, then the latter was responsible for the child's psychological health, and thus politically correct answers resulted in care-givers (takers) citing the parents for fostering an unhealthy environment, this being a form of child abuse. And it was very hard to hide much of anything from the sensors of the "beneficent' providers health and human services.
All of this James was conscious of as the female-looking (tailored to his preferences based upon his know viewing tendencies, of content and time) interviewer asked him questions, knowing that this unit was examining everything about his response to ascertain veracity, etc.
However, as advanced as the technology had become, it was not yet able to read thoughts (though thru visual and auditory contact, it was remarkably being able to deduce such with a high percentage of accuracy) Nor was this Omnicloud in operation until recent years, especially in its extent and depth.
Thus it did not know of the direction that James was headed as a result of listening to and reading forbidden literature as a child. And what this would led to in dissent from the Beast.
This was just written on the fly, based upon some ideas, by the grace of God.
I like your story plot and outline. It won’t apply to this particular novel, but I appreciate your thoughts.
Laz, Let’s begin with this. It takes a lot of courage to put yourself out there like you did and ask for commentary. I admire you for that.
Although not a sci-fi reader, I like the fantastical, so you have my attention with the suggestions about first contacts, aliens, and the rest. I get the impression that you are a guy who can recognize the potential of a good story. I’d imagine that over at the pub on a Friday night, you’re at the center of the group and the best storyteller there.
Now you’re going to take a stab at writing sci-fi. I think you’re going to be good at it.
But first you’re going to have to clean up your style and execution because fiction writing demands a heck of a lot more than the boys at the pub. Let’s talk about some of those general elements that need work:
1. I read one of the early comments about the foul language. I agree, even if the poster walked it back in a subsequent post. It’s not a good look in the first sentence because it will turn off 50% of your readership immediately. I’m no prude, having spent 20 years in the Army. And I do permit foul language and some of my own writing, but I recommend you use it strategically — highly strategically. For starters, take out every instance of foul language and try to create the same intensity of emotions without it. In a later revision, you can place some obscene words where they will have the greatest effect.
2. Lose the adverbs, the – LY words. Beginning fiction writers rely on adverbs because they want to really hit an emotional point, and they want to hit it hard. Sorry to say, adverbs will not do it for you. You simply have to use powerful verbs and nouns to carry the freight of your sentences. Powerful active verbs. Specific concrete nouns. I suggest you revisit your manuscript and use the highlighting function of your word processor to pick out all these words then step back and look at how many opportunities you have to power up the writing. Not to say you shouldn’t use adverbs, but once again — strategically. Update: I reread your writing sample and found it more powerful just by deleting the adverbs and not making any other revisions.
3. Get rid of every exclamation point! This is another tell that the writing is trying too hard. “Look here! Look here, dear reader! This is really important!”
4. One of my own worst faults is to over-explain to the point of redundancy. A couple quick examples from chapter 1: physical fight, flat emotionless, descending down.
5. Clean up the attribution for segments of dialogue. When you say, “she exclaimed in concern,” that’s the author talking. If she were to instead say, “My God, what in the world happened to your face?” We have both the exclamation and the sense of concern — and most important, we’re getting it from the character, not the author.
I do go on, don’t I? Sorry if you feel like I’m hosing you. I assure you this brief critique is an honest one, not in the least savage. I hope it helps. If it doesn’t kill your writing hopes, I hope it makes you a stronger writer.
I have some other commentary that might be helpful. It’s about structure and the opener to your story. I’d be happy to share, but I don’t want to either impose or overwhelm.
I suggest you apply some or all of my critique to your chapters and see how you feel about the revision. After that, if you want to talk about the important structural elements of a Chapter 1, we can discuss it in a fresh post.
Meanwhile, to fulfill your part of the deal, please refer your ping list to: JVSmith.substack.com so they may, if they choose to, read and comment on my novel, “Curse of The Kavorka.”
Nice to meet you at last, Laz. Hope to meet up in later post.
I didn’t read any part of the story where a characteer says “I’d hit that...”
Love it. Thanks! Will incorporate your suggestions.
As far as redundancy and often doing things over and over again repeatedly day in and day out all the time, I’d say I don’t. 😂😂😂
You have physicists, mathematicians and a linguist but no gender studies or sociologists. Unless they turn out to be the aliens.
The writing is very good.
The space discs over big cities, however, seems overused to the point of almost cliché - Independence Day & others?
Good luck with this!
3
"pointing to an open door that let d to a corridor of rooms"
I appreciate your attention to detail! I had Microsoft Word do its thing but I missed many issues you caught. Thank you very much, and I shall strive to do better!
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