Laz, Let’s begin with this. It takes a lot of courage to put yourself out there like you did and ask for commentary. I admire you for that.
Although not a sci-fi reader, I like the fantastical, so you have my attention with the suggestions about first contacts, aliens, and the rest. I get the impression that you are a guy who can recognize the potential of a good story. I’d imagine that over at the pub on a Friday night, you’re at the center of the group and the best storyteller there.
Now you’re going to take a stab at writing sci-fi. I think you’re going to be good at it.
But first you’re going to have to clean up your style and execution because fiction writing demands a heck of a lot more than the boys at the pub. Let’s talk about some of those general elements that need work:
1. I read one of the early comments about the foul language. I agree, even if the poster walked it back in a subsequent post. It’s not a good look in the first sentence because it will turn off 50% of your readership immediately. I’m no prude, having spent 20 years in the Army. And I do permit foul language and some of my own writing, but I recommend you use it strategically — highly strategically. For starters, take out every instance of foul language and try to create the same intensity of emotions without it. In a later revision, you can place some obscene words where they will have the greatest effect.
2. Lose the adverbs, the – LY words. Beginning fiction writers rely on adverbs because they want to really hit an emotional point, and they want to hit it hard. Sorry to say, adverbs will not do it for you. You simply have to use powerful verbs and nouns to carry the freight of your sentences. Powerful active verbs. Specific concrete nouns. I suggest you revisit your manuscript and use the highlighting function of your word processor to pick out all these words then step back and look at how many opportunities you have to power up the writing. Not to say you shouldn’t use adverbs, but once again — strategically. Update: I reread your writing sample and found it more powerful just by deleting the adverbs and not making any other revisions.
3. Get rid of every exclamation point! This is another tell that the writing is trying too hard. “Look here! Look here, dear reader! This is really important!”
4. One of my own worst faults is to over-explain to the point of redundancy. A couple quick examples from chapter 1: physical fight, flat emotionless, descending down.
5. Clean up the attribution for segments of dialogue. When you say, “she exclaimed in concern,” that’s the author talking. If she were to instead say, “My God, what in the world happened to your face?” We have both the exclamation and the sense of concern — and most important, we’re getting it from the character, not the author.
I do go on, don’t I? Sorry if you feel like I’m hosing you. I assure you this brief critique is an honest one, not in the least savage. I hope it helps. If it doesn’t kill your writing hopes, I hope it makes you a stronger writer.
I have some other commentary that might be helpful. It’s about structure and the opener to your story. I’d be happy to share, but I don’t want to either impose or overwhelm.
I suggest you apply some or all of my critique to your chapters and see how you feel about the revision. After that, if you want to talk about the important structural elements of a Chapter 1, we can discuss it in a fresh post.
Meanwhile, to fulfill your part of the deal, please refer your ping list to: JVSmith.substack.com so they may, if they choose to, read and comment on my novel, “Curse of The Kavorka.”
Nice to meet you at last, Laz. Hope to meet up in later post.
Love it. Thanks! Will incorporate your suggestions.
As far as redundancy and often doing things over and over again repeatedly day in and day out all the time, I’d say I don’t. 😂😂😂
As a fellow long-term and solid Freeper, I've love it if you took a moment to visit:
StAntKnee's substack / novel location
Maybe subscribe , but definitely if you choose, give his novel a read (“Curse of The Kavorka”). I know he'd appreciate your comments, too, over on that site.
Sounds like very solid advice. Any aspiring fiction writer will get value from your comments...
Laz,
Congrats. Sounds like a splendid start on a novel. But it's no surprise to say that because I've already seen you write a wide array of great stories that get people engaged.
I'm a former telecom industry analyst/journalist and lived in the Greater Atlanta area. On a lark, I once attended a local writer's group and discovered there's a vast network of people eager to write fiction and gain either fame (and not so much fortune) doing so.
The group is uses Meetup.com to publicize itself and is called Atlanta Writes. I
The meeting involved meeting for lunch at a Atlanta area restaurant (an Irish pub actually) and submitting beforehand a sample of one's work for review and commentary. It was a pretty young gathering. Sorry, no supermodels there :-)
But I remember the two or three organizers had some solid advice to give -- the kind of advice StAntKnee just delivered for you.