Posted on 04/19/2020 3:06:42 AM PDT by sodpoodle
A man smelling of booze and cigarettes sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, there was red lipstick on his collar and face and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Tell me Father, do you happen to know what causes arthritis?"
The priest replies, "My son, it's caused by loose living, consorting with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned", then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The man answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope suffers from it."
MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.
HONESTY
It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."
MATH LESSONS
A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine..."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
WHO’S YOUR DADDY
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
A PREDICTION
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake.
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."
RESERECTION
The minister started his Children's Sermon with a question, "Who knows what the Resurrection is?"
Without missing a beat a young boy says, "If you have one lasting more than 4 hours call your physician."
The pastor is still laughing.
REALITY
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy shit! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
Now keep that smile on your face and pass it on to someone else.
ping
Thanks for keeping us laughing.
Luv ya...Sac
Bunp
Living in isolation is getting scary! I do have 2 daughters living close by, who bring me everything I need.
Snuck out yesterday and was really impressed by the friendliness of total strangers.
This too shall pass , so we can smile again.
Sweet Sac:)
Here's mine (and trying to keep it short).
Three couples are in the new members class before they can join the church.
Priest: Okay, now that the classwork is all done, I want you to not have sex for four weeks as a sign of your devotion and commitment to the church in order to formally join the church.
So the 60 year-old couple come back. “Well, we love each other very much, but at our age we have other ways that we show our affection so with some extra prayer we made it!”
The priest says “Welcome to the church!”
The 40-something couple come back. “Boy - that was really difficult. We were tempted numerous times, but with a LOT of prayer and focusing on other hobbies - we made it!”
The priest says “Welcome to the church!”
The 25 year old newlyweds come in, and the man is hanging his head low.
The priest says “Well....how did you do?”
The man says “It was really tough. I mean, every week was a struggle. And then on the fourth week she bent over to pick up a bag of potatoes and.. well, um. I just couldn't help myself, and um...”
“I'm sorry son - but you aren't welcome in the church.”
.
.
.
“Yeah - we sorta figured that. We're not welcome at the grocery store anymore either.”
Thanks for posting. LOL
btt
Knee slappers all!
Thanks for the post, sodpoodle. We all need a chuckle.
The whole talk is full of good psychology & good humor. It's available on youtube:
What To Do Until the Psychiatrist Comes
https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=DR+MURRAY+BANKS
The same talk seems to have several titles.
Twinkies and talking chickens.
Gotta love it!
A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."
The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."
The priest nodded in understandiing and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your Church that you remain celibate?"
The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
The priest replied, "Yes, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.
The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for a little while..
Finally the rabbi says, "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
These are great! I have tears in my eyes from laughing.
Thank you for the chuckles!
Outstanding humor!
ping
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