Posted on 03/23/2020 9:31:06 AM PDT by sodpoodle
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift…
The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.
When she asked me why I replied,
“Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”
And that’s how the fight started…
THE MARINE PILOT
The teacher gave her 5th-grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story w/a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back &, one by one began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk & pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.
“Janie, do you have a story to share?”
“Yes, ma’am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, & her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, & all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, & a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break, & then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them w/the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed 4 more w/the knife, till the blade broke, & then she killed the last Iraqi w/her bare hands.”
“Good Heavens,” said the horrified teacher. “What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?”
“Don’t f*** with Mommy when she’s been drinking.”
HOW TO START A FIGHT!
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have sex?’
‘No,’ she answered.
I then said,’Is that your final answer?’
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes..’
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And that’s how the fight started…
THE BLACK BRA (as told by a woman)
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I, the third one, have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here’s how it all went.
My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos, and a mask. He saw me and said, ‘You are the woman of my dreams…I love you.’ Then we made passionate love all night long.
The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story: When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,
(you are going to love this..)
"What's for dinner ZORRO?"
A man goes into a pet shop and asks to buy a parrot, but it has to be a male parrot.
The shop owner proceeds to see the man a male parrot.
The next day the man comes back and yells at the shop owner telling him that he sold him a female parrot instead of a male parrot.
The shop owner asks how the customer knows that the parrot is female.
The customer replies, “Male parrots repeat everything I say, this is female because it argues with everything I say!”
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