Skip to comments.Bob Hope Quotes
Posted on 05/26/2018 1:41:12 PM PDT by sodpoodle
Bob Hope was born 5/29/1903 and died in 2003 at age 100.
On his death bed they asked him where he wanted to be buried. His answer was, "Surprise me."
ON TURNING 70 'I still chase women, but only downhill.'
ON TURNING 80 'That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.'
ON TURNING 90 'You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.'
ON TURNING 100 'I don't feel old. In fact, I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.'
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING 'I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.'
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR 'Welcome to the Academy Awards, or as it's called at my home, 'Passover.'
ON GOLF 'Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.'
ON PRESIDENTS 'I have performed for 12 presidents but entertained only six.'
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER 'When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, Congratulations, you have an eight pound ham.'
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL 'I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.'
ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY 'Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.'
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS 'That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom.'
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES 'I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me.'
ON GOING TO HEAVEN 'I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.'
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they’d eventually
find me attractive.
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until
they’re flashing behind you.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
I changed my password to “incorrect” so whenever I forget it the computer will
say, “Your password is incorrect.”
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
I’m great at multi-tasking—I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate
all at once.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
Doesn’t expecting the unexpected mean that the unexpected is actually expected?
Take my advice I’m not using it.
I hate it when people use big words like perspicacious.
Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they’re at home when you wish
Television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it’s been doing is
Every time someone comes up with a foolproof solution, along comes more-talented fool.
I’ll bet you $4,567 you can’t guess how much I owe my bookie.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
When I married Ms. Right, I had no idea her first name was Always.
My wife got 8 out 10 on her driver’s test—the other two guys managed to jump
out of her way.
There may be no excuse for laziness, but I’m still looking.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself
I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don’t have to mow
I like long walks, especially when they’re taken by people who annoy me.
I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn’t find it.
If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep.
If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?
Money is the root of all wealth.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
I’ve just flown in from California, where they’ve made homosexuality legal. I thought I’d get out before they make it mandatory.
Now that raaaht there is funny!!!!!
Bob said, "Why can't she buy flight insurance like everyone else?"
He was a very funny man.
One of the funniest guys ever.
Yes indeed and his jokes were clean. The ‘good’ old days;)
During the Seventies, head writer Bill Richmond was working with Bob at Bob's mansion at Toluca Lake on a TV special. Bob was reading The Wall Street Journal and grousing about how he had failed to take advantage of a stock manipulation all the way back in 1935.
Richmond looked around at Bob's palatial home and said, "Yeah, Bob, you could have been on Easy Street."
The guy was so very smart with his money. He bought a ton of real estate all over LA and Palm Springs etc and Im sure made much more on all of that than he ever made from the movie industry. He actually made the right decisions financially. My dad knew him and only ever said good things about him. Of course his wife decided to stay married to him no matter what, and he did have quite a ladies man life.
Bob's strategy was to count on LA's continuing expansion. His tactic was to buy the vacant land just beyond the suburbs; then, when builders wanted to build the next tracts, he sold them the land and bought the next batch, etc., etc. Hence, the San Fernando Valley.
In 1993, I was staying at the cousin's place in Southern California when I was down from Seattle on vacation. While they were out shopping, I was warned that Hope would call and that I should take a message. He called, and I did in fact take the message.
Later, Hope asked my cousin who it was who took his call. She explained who I was.
"Very professional," said Hope.
That’s interesting. I do love looking at pics of his house. Quite iconic.
He could deliver a line. But he hardly wrote any of them.
They asked Bob Hope about Jack Nicolas missing a putt. He responded: “You know, if I had an 18 inch putt to win $400,000, I would probably miss it too. I probably would miss the 18 footer coming back too.”
Loved his shows for the troops.
I remember seeing something (I think it was an article) about how recent comedians don’t respect Bob Hope. They don’t respect him because they think his humor was corny - the one liners I guess - and because he was too married to the establishment (in other words, he was a flag waving patriot rather than a rebel).
Smartest investor ever. Total win. Palm Springs too, Malibu...
Which house? The round one on the hill above Palm Springs? Because his Toluca Lake house while grand was more normal looking.
How cool! Great story. He must have been a good judge of character; he loved my dad.
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