Truisms:
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they’d eventually
find me attractive.
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until
they’re flashing behind you.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
I changed my password to “incorrect” so whenever I forget it the computer will
say, “Your password is incorrect.”
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
I’m great at multi-tasking—I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate
all at once.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
Doesn’t expecting the unexpected mean that the unexpected is actually expected?
Take my advice — I’m not using it.
I hate it when people use big words like perspicacious.
Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they’re at home when you wish
they were.
Television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it’s been doing is
gathering dust.
Every time someone comes up with a foolproof solution, along comes more-talented fool.
I’ll bet you $4,567 you can’t guess how much I owe my bookie.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your
pants.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
When I married Ms. Right, I had no idea her first name was Always.
My wife got 8 out 10 on her driver’s test—the other two guys managed to jump
out of her way.
There may be no excuse for laziness, but I’m still looking.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself
type.
I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don’t have to mow
it.
I like long walks, especially when they’re taken by people who annoy me.
I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn’t find it.
If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep.
If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?
Money is the root of all wealth.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
“I’ve just flown in from California, where they’ve made homosexuality legal. I thought I’d get out before they make it mandatory.”
Bob said, "Why can't she buy flight insurance like everyone else?"
He was a very funny man.
L
One of the funniest guys ever.
During the Seventies, head writer Bill Richmond was working with Bob at Bob's mansion at Toluca Lake on a TV special. Bob was reading The Wall Street Journal and grousing about how he had failed to take advantage of a stock manipulation all the way back in 1935.
Richmond looked around at Bob's palatial home and said, "Yeah, Bob, you could have been on Easy Street."
He could deliver a line. But he hardly wrote any of them.
My favorite.
They asked Bob Hope about Jack Nicolas missing a putt. He responded: “You know, if I had an 18 inch putt to win $400,000, I would probably miss it too. I probably would miss the 18 footer coming back too.”
Loved his shows for the troops.
I remember seeing something (I think it was an article) about how recent comedians don’t respect Bob Hope. They don’t respect him because they think his humor was corny - the one liners I guess - and because he was too married to the establishment (in other words, he was a flag waving patriot rather than a rebel).
Thank you for this post.
I truly feel sorry for the American woman who (Hopefully) will show up on the scene with Mr. Hope’s attitude, endurance, courage, humor and love of country.
Why?
She’d scare all of these modern Soy-Boys into a terror induced thumb-sucking state for the next forty years. Pooping their miserable pampers in their mommy’s basements.
She’d never be able to get a date.
Of course, the single male FReepers would be all like: “What’s her number?”
FReepers would have the ball, in that case.
I liked the way he closed his shows with the line, “Thanks for the mammaries...”
One thing of interest, Johnny Carson could not stand him. Hope had a deal with NBC where he could come on any show, especially The Tonight Show at any time. Carson hated it because Hope invariably came on to plug something and had had his writers give him a number of jokes to tell, then for the most part he left. Carson was very close to Jack Benny and much preferred it and loved when Jack was on.