~*~*~*~THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS THREAD~*~*~*~

[Lucky9teen]

WHO'S SIDE ARE YOU ON?

Dogs?

What is a Dog?

Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
They growl when they are not happy.
When you want to play, they want to play.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They leave their toys everywhere.
CONCLUSION: They're tiny men in little fur coats.

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Where Dogs Come From

(From a lost chapter in the Book of Genesis:)

Adam was walking in the garden and cried out to God, "You used to walk with me every day. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonely here, and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

And God said, "I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal.

And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him.

And Adam was comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well."

And the Lord said, "I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being.

And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased.
And Adam was greatly improved.
And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn't give a rat's butt one way or the other.

---

 

Or Cats?

What is a Cat?

Cats do what they want.
They rarely listen to you.
They're totally unpredictable.
When you want to play, they want to be alone.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They expect you to cater to their every whim.
They're moody.
They leave hair everywhere.
CONCLUSION: They're tiny women in little fur coats.

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Cat Laws

Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.

Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.

Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.

Law of Cat Obstruction
A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.

Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.

Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.

First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.

Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.

Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.

Law of Bag/Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.

Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the midsection of an unsuspecting, reclining human.

Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.

Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Antimatter + It Doesn't Matter.

[Lucky9teen]

If your friends acted like your pets, you might not keep them around.

[AppyPappy]

First

[upchuck]

Oh Boy! Oh Boy! Top 10 for sure!

The summer
was terrible
for Humpty Dumpty,
but he had
a great fall.

---

A riddle for you. What is this?

Answer down below.

---

h/t Geri

---

A wife being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text...

"If you are sleeping,
send me your dreams.

If you are laughing,
send me your smile.

If you are eating,
send me a bite.

If you are drinking,
send me a sip.

If you are crying,
send me your tears.

I love you."

He replied........

"I am sitting on the toilet,
what should I do?"

---

Speaking of toilets...

---

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness.
Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

---

"Everybody's out with the flu, the computer
has a virus and the shredder just threw up.
How can I help you?"

---

Stupid
Libs!

Run it through the spokes!

---

- Truisms -

I wish mirrors and pictures would get together and agree on what I really look like.

Oh, I'm sorry! Did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?

Everything you do becomes louder when you're trying not to wake someone up.

---

---

Of course my password is insecure. You would be too if you got replaced every six months.

---

A week after their marriage, the Redneck newlyweds paid a visit to their doctor.

"I can't figure it out doc, and I'm really worried," said the husband. "My testicles are turning blue."

"That's pretty unusual," said the doctor. "Let me examine you." The doctor takes a look. Sure enough, the Redneck's testicles are blue.

The doctor turns to the wife. "Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed?"

"Yes, I am," she replied.

"And what kind of jelly are you using with it?"

"Grape"

---

Little old, but...

President Trump took an aerial tour of the proposed pipeline route through Standing Rock Indian Reservation earlier this week.

When he returned he said that all went reasonably well.

h/t June

---

h/t Ralph

---

A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.

The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!"

The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!"

Well? Come on... it's YOUR TURN to say something.
h/t JP

---

---

Oh, before I forget, the answer to the riddle up above:

That's a picture of Democrats waiting in line to vote.

[RandallFlagg]

Top ten!

[Lucky9teen]

---

CAN'T WE ALL

JUST GET ALONG?


CLICK HERE TO BE INCLUDED OR TAKEN OFF THE LIST

[Twotone]

Ralph & Edna

Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna’s heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, ‘Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.

Edna replied, ‘He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry.

How soon can I go home?’

[DoubleNickle]

In!

[SoFloFreeper]

top 10

[bk1000]

Happy Friday (unless you’re driving 2into Atl today)

[Liberty Valance]

[TADSLOS]

IN!!

[Twotone]

Little Johnny

Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven, Sir.
Teacher: No, listen carefully... If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven, Sir.
Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?
Johnny: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?
Johnny: Seven!!! SIR!
A very angry Teacher: Where in the hell do you get seven from?!?!?
A very angry Johnny: Because,.... I’ve already got a effin’ cat!!!

[dayglored]

TOP 15! WOO HOO IT’S FRIDAY!! I’M FEELING SILLY!!!!

[Delta 21]

Heh! Cant wait for the Republicans next ride. Its gonna take Trumps 1st 4 years just to teach them how not to lose.

Putting on my friday face.

[Heartlander]

[SkyDancer]

[Heartlander]

Very photogenic

[pa_dweller]

Missing Missy

[Heartlander]

[real saxophonist]

dogs