If your friends acted like your pets, you might not keep them around.
First
The summer
was terrible
for Humpty Dumpty,
but he had
a great fall.
Answer down below.
"If you are sleeping,
send me your dreams.
If you are laughing,
send me your smile.
If you are eating,
send me a bite.
If you are drinking,
send me a sip.
If you are crying,
send me your tears.
I love you."
He replied........
"I am sitting on the toilet,
what should I do?"
StupidRun it through the spokes!
I wish mirrors and pictures would get together and agree on what I really look like.
Oh, I'm sorry! Did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?
Everything you do becomes louder when you're trying not to wake someone up.
"I can't figure it out doc, and I'm really worried," said the husband. "My testicles are turning blue."
"That's pretty unusual," said the doctor. "Let me examine you." The doctor takes a look. Sure enough, the Redneck's testicles are blue.
The doctor turns to the wife. "Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed?"
"Yes, I am," she replied.
"And what kind of jelly are you using with it?"
"Grape"
President Trump took an aerial tour of the proposed pipeline route through Standing Rock Indian Reservation earlier this week.
When he returned he said that all went reasonably well.
h/t June
The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!"
The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!"
Well? Come on... it's YOUR TURN to say something.
h/t JP
That's a picture of Democrats waiting in line to vote.
Top ten!
Ralph & Edna
Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna’s heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, ‘Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.
Edna replied, ‘He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?’
In!
Happy Friday (unless you’re driving 2into Atl today)
IN!!
TOP 15! WOO HOO IT’S FRIDAY!! I’M FEELING SILLY!!!!
dogs
Reminds me -
There was an elderly woman who was “famous” with her neighbors as being dead on predicting the weather.
Word of her accuracy started to become public. One day, the local TV station sent a young, eager reporter to do a piece on her.
Young Reporter (a bit full of herself) - So I understand you are 100% accurate forecasting whether it is going to rain or be sunny. How do you, a non scientist nor trained meteorologist, do it?
Woman - Oh, it’s simple. In the morning when I wake up, I gently pull down my husband’s bed covers. If “it” is laying on the left, it’s going to rain and then I get out of bed. And if “it” is laying on the right, we’ll have a sunny day”
The young reporter, thinking she’s going to have a “gotcha” moment with the old woman then asks, “And what do you do if “it” is in the middle?”, as she winks.
“Oh don’t be silly, young lady. If “it” is standing in the middle, I don’t get out of bed!
And my favorite....
I can just hear what's going on in the dog's head... "Dum de doo da dum de dooooo wooodloooo...HOWDY! de doo dah dum diddly doo de HOWDY!"
With baseball season about to start, I am reminded of a time a few years ago when I went to a ballgame
It was a big game and the stadium was packed! Getting tickets late, I ended sitting up high in the cheap seats. As the game started, I was looking around with my binoculars. Way down low, I thought I saw my old college room mate, Steve. “Gosh, It’s been years”, I thought. So I stood up and yelled “Hey Steve!!”. There was no response, so I yelled it again, “Hey Steve!”. Still no response. People around me were getting annoyed so I went quiet. “Maybe it’s not him after all”, I thought.
As the game went on, I continue to watch using my binocs. But I kept coming back to the guy “Steve” down below. It was really bugging me. “I just KNOW that is Steve”, I thought.
At the 7th inning stretch, I thought I’d try again. “Heeeeeeey Steeeeeeeve” I yelled even more emphatically. There was still no response. Once again “Heeeeeeey Steeeeeeeve”.
This time, the guy who I thought was “Steve” from way down low stood up, turned my way and yelled back, “I’m NOT Steve!”
Great article...funny interview.
https://m.dailymercury.com.au/news/peta-shot-down-by-the-naked-gun/2971128/
