***THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS THREAD***

[Lucky9teen]

Today's lesson, from Common (Commie) Core

Let's start out with English and Language Arts

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Reading Time!

Church Ladies
Typewriters.
They're Back!
Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters.
These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water.
The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.
Bring your husbands.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love.
Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you .
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help .
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs .
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM.
All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles
for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM .
The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:
" I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours .

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And now for Economics & Civics

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The Obama economy Sucks so bad…that Chris Matthews’ leg has quit tingling.

The Obama economy Sucks so bad…that Rush Limbaugh is smoking Swisher Sweets.

The Obama economy Sucks so bad…that the Grey Poupon guy has switched to French’s.

The Obama economy Sucks so bad…that the White House china is actually being made in China.

The Obama economy Sucks so bad…that the President is changing his slogan to “Hope and Spare Change!”

The Obama economy Sucks so bad…that Nancy Pelosi is selling earmarks for 1/2 price.

The Obama economy Sucks so bad…that Saturday Night Live is thinking about telling an Obama joke.

The Obama economy Sucks so bad…that the President is running a small business on the side. It’s called GM.

The Obama economy Sucks so bad…that Rosie O’Donnell is losing weight.

The Obama economy Sucks so bad…that Kenya now claims he wasn’t born there.

The Obama economy Sucks so bad…that Al Gore is selling carbon credits on late night television.

The Obama economy Sucks so bad…that Bill Ayers has to make do with M-80s.

The Obama economy Sucks so bad…that the White House plans to cut Hillary Clinton’s hours.

The Obama economy Sucks so bad…that Barack’s pyramid is on hold.

The Obama economy Sucks so bad…that Michelle fired her nanny and learned her children’s names.

The Obama economy Sucks so bad…that the airlines are installing pay toilets in coach.

The Obama economy Sucks so bad…that you can order checks pre-marked “Insufficient Funds.”

The Obama economy Sucks so bad…that Congress is planning a spare change for clunkers program.

The Obama economy Sucks so bad…that Americans are being caught sneaking into Mexico.

The Obama economy Sucks so bad…that the Chicago mob is laying off judges.

The Obama economy Sucks so bad…that Jesse Jackson is renting a limo.

The Obama economy Sucks so bad…that it only takes one lick to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop.

The Obama economy Sucks so bad…that Motel Six won’t leave the light on for you anymore.

The Obama economy Sucks so bad…that they now ask at the burger counter, “Can you afford fries with that?”

The Obama economy Sucks so bad…that the federal stimulus checks are bouncing.

The Obama economy Sucks so bad…that banking executives are playing miniature golf.

The Obama economy Sucks so bad…that the CEO of Wal-Mart was seen shopping at Wal-Mart.

The Obama economy Sucks so bad…that one of the the best paying jobs nowadays is jury duty.

The Obama economy Sucks so bad…that even people who aren’t in the Cabinet have stopped paying taxes.

The Obama economy Sucks so bad…that Michael Vick is working at Petco.

The Obama economy Sucks so bad…that Al Sharpton cuts his own hair.

The Obama economy Sucks so bad…that McDonald’s has a layaway plan.

The Obama economy Sucks so bad…that Bill Clinton watches scrambled porn.

The Obama economy Sucks so bad…that John Edwards is cutting his own hair.

The Obama economy Sucks so bad…that Obama is robbing Paul to pay Peter.  
 

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And now for some Math

 

[Cyber Liberty]

Pat M’Groyn.

[llevrok]

Out in Amarillo, Texas, a pretty woman went into a bar.

She ordered a drink, took a moment to survey her surroundings and saw a guy
with his feet propped up on a table. He was wearing the biggest cowboy boots
she’d ever seen.

The woman asked the cowpoke if the old adage about men with big feet being
well endowed were true.

The cowboy grinned and said: “It shore is, little lady. Why don’t you and I mosey
out to my bunkhouse and let me prove it to ya?”

Just that curious, she took him up on his offer.

Afterward, she rummaged through her wallet, then handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said: “Well, gee, little lady – ain’t nobody ever paid me fer mah services before. Ah’m right flattered!”

“Oh,” said the gal, “Don’t be flattered. Use that money to buy some boots that fit!”

[TexasCajun]

Good Job John, Let me know if you need help with Lucky9teen.

[Liberty Valance]

[Liberty Valance]

[TexasCajun]

Tricky rescue.

As everyone that ever rescued a baby squirrel and thought it'd make a good pet knows. hehe

[r-q-tek86]

Option B or GTFO

[Travis T. OJustice]

I use option A, probably because my mom taught me option B and i like to be all rebellious and stuff.

[Cyber Liberty]

[relentlessly]

[relentlessly]

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again asking why I didn’t do something useful with my time.

Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing, I said.

Talking about my “doing something useful” seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.

She was “only thinking of me” she said, and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.

I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business.

I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She replied, “Are you nuts? You are 73 years old, and now you’re going to start jumping out of airplanes?”

I told her that I even got a membership card and e-mailed a copy to her.

She immediately telephoned me, “Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club.”

“Oh man, I’m in trouble again; I really don’t know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week.”

The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.

[JoeProBono]

[relentlessly]

Cosby....

“I wasn’t always black...
There was this freckle,
and it got bigger and bigger.”

>>>

Women don’t want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think - in a deeper voice.

>>>

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.

>>>

You know the only people who are always sure about the proper way to raise children? Those who’ve never had any.

>>>

Did you ever see the customers in health - food stores? They are pale, skinny people who look half - dead. In a steak house, you see robust, ruddy people. They’re dying, of course, but they look terrific.

>>>

When you become senile, you won’t know it.

[Ingtar]

“If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands!”

“If you’re senile and you know it, then you’re not!”

[TheOldLady]

St. Patrick’s Day is Monday, March 17.

[TheOldLady]

I see that kitty as Allegra, Allegra’s late pet.

[martin_fierro]

[Colonel_Flagg]

There aren’t rings on Saturn. There are rings AROUND Saturn, though.

Thanks. I needed that.

[relictele]

[nothingnew]

pong 4later

FMCDH(BITS)