Posted on 05/21/2005 8:32:22 PM PDT by Slings and Arrows
The Army announced today that it's putting the introduction of its new XM-8 assault rifle [video] on hold because troops testing it in the field have been unable to properly target journalists with it.
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld was "disappointed" by the performance of the new weapon, which had been otherwise performing well. "The eXterminate the Media v.8.0 rifle was designed specifically for slaughtering reporters in Iraq. We'd been having problems with journalists pointing out the exact locations of American forces to terrorists so that they could get Pulitzer-caliber photos, and the preferred technique of strangling them wasn't taking the bastards out fast enough. The hope was that we could put into each soldier's hands the ability to kill these traitorous newsmonkeys at will."
Unfortunately, the poorly-designed targeting system of the XM-8 let far too many journalists escape unharmed. "According to that stupid tw... uh... twit... Linda Foley," continued Rumsfeld, "American Forces have only been able to eliminate 63 journalists, despite being trained from boot camp to double-tap anyone carrying a notepad or a video camera. Somehow the shots from the XM-8 always seem to hit to the left of the target. I suspect the DNC in general and Howard Dean in particular are behind this."
When asked about the future of the XM-8, Secretary Rumsfeld was non-committal, yet optimistic. "I'm pretty sure we can fix this problem," said Rumsfeld, donning a pair of black leather gloves, "by strangling Howard Dean. Now get the hell out of my way! This interview is over!"
DNC Chair Howard Dean was quick to deny allegations. In a recent press conference, he was quoted as saying, "They're killing journalists in Fallujah! and Baghdad! and Mosul! and the Sunni Triangle!...YEEEEEAAAAAARR... *GAK!*... *GRK!*... *ACK!*... HELP!... *gurgle*... *THUD!*
In other news... in Washington D.C. today, the hunt for the Rumsfeld Strangler continues. The latest victim was journalist Linda Foley, who was found mysteriously murdered next to a note reading, "I, Donald Rumsfeld, strangled this twit."
D.C. Police Detective Ian Competent reported that police are currently baffled, yet hopeful of getting a break in the case at any moment.
[Freepmail me to get on or off this Not-A-Ping-List.]
...that keeps us honest, gives us strength...
VERY good!
What a beautiful sentiment.
...helps us strangle filthy hippies...
If it were only true! LOL, thanks for the ping ST
Pinging the usual suspects!
(anyone wanting on or off the satire ping list, let me know!)
Good stuff, NYT. Thanks for the pings.
"Somehow the shots from the XM-8 always seem to hit to the left of the target. I suspect the DNC in general and Howard Dean in particular are behind this."
Sorry, but this is wrong.
This is a strategy on the part of Rumsfeld the Pentagon and weapon designers to anticipate meeting future needs in future conflicts. Assuming the continued rate of drift to the left will remain constant or even accelerate over time, the rifle will only come into its own as an accurate battlefield instrument as the left wing shifts further into its Marxist decline.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.