Posted on 01/11/2018 6:38:24 AM PST by sodpoodle
Dear Diary. For my sixty fifth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college tennis team 45 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress .........
>> MONDAY Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, all though my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
>> TUESDAY I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air -- then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
>> WEDNESDAY The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, She gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other sh*t too.
>> THURSDAY Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
>> FRIDAY I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the f-----ing barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
>> SATURDAY Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner.However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
>> SUNDAY I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I cango and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my wife (the bitch) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a vasectomy.
That was just too funny! And I can relate! A couple of years ago I made the mistake of agreeing to a trainer session. Never again. Damned near killed me. What makes these people think that the average guy can do all of that in the first workout and not become so sore you can’t even put your shoes on the next day?! I was pissed too, because it was just before the holidays and I had a lot of stuff to do. Never again!
Sure. That's great advice. The only trouble is that trainers throw you in the deep end right off the bat.
bmrk
Not good trainers if you run across trainers like that it is time to find a new one
” the joggers and bike dorks decked out in their ‘I’m better than you, aren’t I?!’ gear.”
I think you nailed it right there. Never, never underestimate the lengths — or depths — people will go to prop up their feelings of superiority.
Without this, the entire political Left would collapse.
You are so right. Love the toothbrush imagery. Laughed until tears. Glad I wasn’t out in public.
“I remember this one from the early or mid 1990’s”
The good old days when it would have been sent over the fax machine.
I split kindling and hauled wood for an hour and a half yesterday and was worthless for the rest of the day.
I still see that scam about Bill Gates giving away money.
Or ‘Good luck Mr. Gorsky’ or ‘me travel many lands and never see an apple talk’ or ‘raggot the gerbil.’
Forgot about those!
I’ve done the toothbrush thing after a similar experience.
>>The “silly outfits” cyclists wear have a very practical purpose. But if you want to assume they’re just a conceit, I don’t suppose there’s any convincing you otherwise.
I’ll bite. Why do the cyclist enthusiasts wear the flamboyant poof riding gear, gear queer shoes, helmets, and backpacks when anyone else can ride a bicycle in normal clothes, other than to show off, attract attention to for their egos and pretend they are something special? I’ve thought about it for years and have yet to come up with an reasonable answer other than they are showing off for each other on their rides to the bath house.
Your prejudice answers your own question.
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