Posted on 01/11/2018 6:38:24 AM PST by sodpoodle
Dear Diary. For my sixty fifth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college tennis team 45 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress .........
>> MONDAY Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, all though my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
>> TUESDAY I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air -- then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
>> WEDNESDAY The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, She gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other sh*t too.
>> THURSDAY Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
>> FRIDAY I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the f-----ing barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
>> SATURDAY Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner.However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
>> SUNDAY I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I cango and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my wife (the bitch) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a vasectomy.
LOL! I can totally relate to this. My trainer, Jana Torquemada, is the same, but not so ‘perky’. It is amazing how heavy some of those things in the gym are. I think she is hot for me, as she has convinced herself that I can lift much more weight than I believe I can. Yesterday was leg day, and today I am crawling on the floor in an effort to get around.
Two weeks will be my one year anniversary with her. I have lost 33 lbs, and I feel great! My body is getting lumpy where it once was smooth and round. I look pretty dang good for a 60 year old. Even caught the eye of a hot 45 year old gal recently. I feel like I’d be “robbing the cradle” with that one! So be it, then!
Yes, it’s a vintage bit - but still funny.
Cyclists - I refuse to engage in any activity that requires one to wear a stupid looking helmet.
Dude, EVERY trainer is more than 20 years younger than I am; as a general rule, they don't live longer than 20 years younger than I am.
Thanks! Enjoyed that!
If you’ve made it that long you don’t need a trainer. Just keep doing what you’re doing. :)
I laughed out loud!
I used to feel rather superior, as I kept myself in excellent aerobic shape...
Until two years ago.
Since then, injuries and pneumonia have cut me back to close to this joke’s level of fitness.
Perhaps God is teaching me a lesson in humililty.
I’ve been away traveling and now that I’m back, trying to psych myself back into the gym (really, get out of bed first) but I quit trainers years ago. Don’t need someone trying to induce a heart attack screaming “Give me two more!”
Hilarious!
I loved the change in attitude towards Belinda and the Weather Channel marathon.
My Dad is 92 and at the start of his day does 15 minutes of light stretches and abdomen work on the floor and then rides his stationary bike for 15 minutes while watching the news
(Then takes a long nap at noon)
But you have to stay active and in shape. Its the key to aging happily, IMHO
Congrats on your success! (And I don’t mean with women, just the weight loss. The rest has its own consequences and you can decide if that’s a good thing)
I did not laugh out loud. Heck, I didn’t even smile.
But I am a tough audience.
“Perhaps God is teaching me a lesson in humililty.”
He has His ways.
I was feeling smug myself, after seeing my friends having problems walking and needing join replacements over the years. But a backache for the last 2 weeks has me a LOT more humble and compassionate.
“Heck, I didn’t even smile.”
Not even at the initial description of Belinda?
The “silly outfits” cyclists wear have a very practical purpose. But if you want to assume they’re just a conceit, I don’t suppose there’s any convincing you otherwise.
Nope.
“Woman turns 104 and credits Diet Coke and potato salad...”
Hilarious! Man, I’ve been there too, only not lucky enough for that girl. After two years I feel great for 72.
That’s only a 15 year difference. I’m going on 10 years with a gal that is 16 years younger. She was only 31 at the time.
All my friends stared calling me Poppy, as in Ai poppy I didn’t know you could do like that...
But I was going to comment that this sounds just like a week of working on my beef cattle farm, just without the gym machines....
....and the Lycra-wearing babe with the perky b**bs. :-)
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