Posted on 01/11/2018 6:38:24 AM PST by sodpoodle
Dear Diary. For my sixty fifth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college tennis team 45 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress .........
>> MONDAY Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, all though my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
>> TUESDAY I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air -- then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
>> WEDNESDAY The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, She gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other sh*t too.
>> THURSDAY Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
>> FRIDAY I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the f-----ing barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
>> SATURDAY Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner.However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
>> SUNDAY I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I cango and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my wife (the bitch) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a vasectomy.
Over doing an exercise program at first is the most common reason people give up on them.
Start slow work your way up.
Where do I send the bill? (To repair my monitor after the coffee damage that was the direct result of reading this)
Wow. I remember this one from the early or mid 1990’s. Is it still being passed around?
GUILTY of laughing out loud, thanks for sharing!
A ‘GEO’ for younger folk who may have never seen one ... https://jalopnik.com/5533480/the-geo-metro-is-one-of-the-greatest-cars-ever-built
Send it to Belinda!;)
****Is it still being passed around:)
YES;)
Understand this is humor, but as a general rule never work with a trainer who is more than 20 years younger than you are.
LOL, my brother had one that I think he put 400K miles on...it was like one of those poor cats that begins to lose its fur as it gets old...it was all rusty...same color as the one in the link!
He loved that car...but at some point, I think the frame was in danger of rusting through and the car breaking in half!
Ha, ha!
I can’t believe someone got it in an email. I haven’t gotten a viral email joke in almost a decade. All I get are scams now. I used to get the Neiman Marcus cookie email every two days back in the 90’s.
Is it still being passed around?
No, you imagined reading it here
Q..... Why do the put rear window defrosters in Geo’s and Yugo”s
A..... To keep hands warm while pushing
Dave Barry?
Hehe. This is the first time I’ve this bit. Very nice. I hate exercising and despise the joggers and bike dorks decked out in their “I’m better than you, aren’t I?!” gear. Instead, I walk 8 miles a day while drinking whiskey and soda or beer out of a can while listening to conservative or history podcasts. It works, and I can see the world go by at a slower pace than bikers or joggers with their silly outfits.
Reminds me of the “chili eating contest” bit.
There's a reference to "Lycra" gym wear, another oldie but goodie and him drinking a "pot of coffee." How many youngsters have heard of a "pot of coffee"? These days, it would be "I drank TWO Triple, Venti, Half Sweet, Non-Fat, Caramel Macchiatos."
Most of it is timeless, though. How many other anachronisms are in there?
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