Suicide... thinking about it. pros/cons?

August 14, 2015 | self

[proud American in Canada]

Hi,

I feel like I have relied on FR so much recently. Everything is breaking down around here. My husband checked himself into a hospital a couple of days ago; he needs heart bypass surgery.

My son and daughter are in the Gaspe peninsula visiting their grandmother. They will come back in a week, except my son will be stopping in Montreal to go to college.

Our house is falling apart; we have no exterior back wall and the insurance won't pay for it, that will cost $15K Canadian.

I am a lawyer in Colorado, but don't really know the ropes here in QC, especially in French.

I had my drivers license suspended for medical reasons; I am now on medication and should get it back soon. I have to, because my husband won't be allowed to drive after he has his surgery, which he won't have for another two weeks.

I just don't know what to do, except I do retreat to the feelings I have felt since I was fourteen... I was a "cutter" before it was cool. Over thirty years ago, I would walk from my law school dorm room in Chicago to the Walgreens... to buy razor blades. It felt so good to cut myself.

Now, all I can think about is finding those stupid keys for the gun locks that my husband put on his guns (he knows me too well).

I used to think I had something to contribute to the world. Now, I am not sure.

I called the hospital and I just wanted to go over there and sleep in a cot next to him, but I'm not allowed.

It's just me and my black Lab named Ellie.

Anyway, sorry to bother you all. Just wondered if anyone else here felt like this sometimes and what did you do about it?

[cva66snipe]

You're tired physically and mentally. This is when the mind allows not so good ideas to be brought to surface and the thought process becomes very distorted and issues look much worse. Houses can be replaced, fixed, whatever. You sound like you have depression and guilt from the depression which triggers the mutilation as a form of self punishment if that makes sense. You don't need to be punished neither by you nor anyone else. You simply need help. The guilt is needless and the self harm sounds like a means of self punishment.

Therapist can do wonders. A therapist is a LCSW who isn't there to judge or condemn you but to help you learn to overcome behavioral/emotional injuries.

I'll tell you something from your husbands perspective of what he would be facing. Loosing a spouse to death even by the course of natural events such as disease is devastating emotionally and physically to the surviving one. He needs you and you need him and you'll both need help and family.

Be honest with the therapist you're not going to shock her. Forgive yourself. Hey things happen in life and people get pushed to extremes and break down emotionally. It happens. It isn't failure or weakness. It's a hurt just like a broken bone and you need to get the hurt some professional attention by a qualified person. Prayers Up.

[dr_lew]

I used to think I had something to contribute to the world. Now, I am not sure.

Surely your husband needs you. If you can't sleep there, go there first thing in the morning, and have a good talk with Ellie when you get home.

I have not been challenged this way so far, but I am entering these waters, and it distresses me even to think of your contemplated actions. I have no standing to lecture you by any means, but I do exhort you to strive for a positive outlook.

"God bless us, every one."

[2ndDivisionVet]

The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK

[goodnesswins]

Plus...I’ll be pissed if you off yourself....I’ve enjoyed your posts!

[Vision Thing]

Hi Julie, it’s great your husband checked himself into the hospital for his heart condition. He did it not just for himself, but he did it for you, too.

If I could tell Ellie to give you a hug, I would, but she’ll just give me that silly look that she gave you earlier in the thread. :)

I am praying for you. And I’m praying for your husband on his upcoming surgery.

[Blood of Tyrants]

People still care about you. Know that you ARE loved.

[hecticskeptic]

There is a Bible verse that is very hard to put into action for all Christians.... it’s 1 Thessalonians 5:18 “In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.”

Really... we are to give thanks not just for the good things that come into our lives but for the bad as well? Hard to imagine but God is the one with the plan, not us. Some of the very best things that I’ve ever had happen to me came right after (and because of) the darkest moments.

And commit Psalms 23 to memory and hold fast to HIM....

1 The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.

3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.

4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.

[rikkir]

You’re very welcome. Remember...anytime.

God’s love, and good luck!

[jocon307]

“...trudge on. Trudge on.”

Irenic, you say true.

This is good advice: TRUDGE ON.

[B4Ranch]

Call 418-310-4588 IMMEDIATELY! There is someone who wants to speak to you at this number.

[Swordmaker]

My girlfriend and I worked on this response together. . .

Dear proud American in Canada,

This sounds so trite, but please do not think that by saying this, that this is my intent. Suicide is a permanent solution to temporary problems.

Your black lab, Ellie, would be distraught if you did something to yourself. In addition, your husband will definitely need some emotional support while going thru his heart surgery. I am certain he will likely do well, as the physicians have this down to a fine science; and have perfected it since it was first performed since WWII.

Do you know of any good handymen/neighbors that can assist you with your home? At times, I have had to trade my professional services for someone’s trade. Perhaps there is someone in your neighborhood who needs a living will or trust set up for their family and/or family members that you can barter and have someone repair your home. These are solutions you can provide in exchange for the work you need done.

Do you have a date scheduled for the dept of motor vehicles as yet? I would contact them and explain the reason why you need to move your appointment schedule to renew your driver’s license as soon as possible due to family hardship. If they won’t, I would then call a discharge coordinator at the hospital, who is usually a Registered Nurse, to inquire about transporation services in your area to get your husband to and from the hospital and physician appointments post operatively while you are attempting to arrange an appt with motor vehicles to obtain your license again.

I have heard that “cutters” feel a great sense of relief from the pressures of everyday life, when they cut themselves. However, this is still not a healthy way to deal with stress. Neither is playing with guns, taking drugs, drinking, gambling, over eating, you name it. It is all the knee jerk reaction to stress.

Is there anyone you can call to discuss and destress yourself? A good friend who will just listen? Sometimes you just have to let it all out, as it were. Bad things happen to good people. I would encourage you to contact a crisis line in your area…..they have experience in having crisis personnel to assist you while you are bearing such a load. Many times, inertia occurs because there is so much to do, that you don’t know what to do first. Rome wasn’t conquered in a day, remind yourself of that. one step at a time, one minute at a time. sometimes it just has to be this way. again, its transitory……please remind yourself of this.

Proud American, my girlfriend suffers from depression and has described her life as various shades of blue……sometimes a very light, bright sky blue, and then sometimes as inky as a night sky, all enveloping, like she is being swallowed whole. Again, she has to remind herself on her darkest days, that there will be light. and yes, it could be a train at the end of that tunnel, but in the meantime, she will keep going on those tracks until she can figure it out.

Who knows? It may be the Watchman coming to help!!

Stress can cause chemical imbalances in the brain. . . perhaps you should have some actual tests done to see if your problems are not something that can be helped by adjusting those imbalances. You might be surprised. I know that none of us want to find we have a problem that drugs might help. . . but it is better than taking one’s life. Counseling can be a big help too.

You’ve called out for help and we hope we have given you some in our small way.

We hold out the best hopes for you. . . and pray for you too. We are convinced that the world is a better place with Proud American in Canada still walking on it. . . and not in the ground. Keep walking, please.

Swordmaker and Kathy.

[Kommodor]

God wouldn’t send his Son to save someone who’s life wasn’t worth anything to Him. Remember that even in your darkest time, if you were the only one on Earth, he would have come to save you.

People can let you down in so many ways, and times can be hard, but remember that there is someone who cares for you more than any other.

And remember that the rest of the Freeper prayer army will be there for you. Many of us are thousands of miles away, but will be with you in prayer and in spirit.

Hang in there, you are loved.

[joemsewi]

I don’t really like to express much about my personal life on an online forum, but I would like to say something that might help you. Over two years ago I was diagnosed with cancer on both kidneys and on my pancreas. I didn’t think that I would be around very long and I prayed for a little time to settle my affairs and to try to help my wife and son prepare for when I would no longer be around. The most important thing then was time. I just wanted some time.

Fortunately there was a drug available that was fairly new and was used to treat kidney cancer. The drug did not cure the cancer but it pretty much stopped it from spreading and even reduced it in some areas.

Recently I had a change on my pancreas which meant that the drug might be running it’s course and now I have to change over to another drug. I am not sure if this drug is going to work as well, but looking back I realized that I was given what I had prayed for, time. Over two years. I look at time now as a very precious commodity. At night I thank God for giving me another day and in the morning I thank Him for giving me another opportunity to experience life.

Maybe you haven’t done what you were planning because deep down you realize that there is something in your your life that is important. And maybe with a little more time you can work it out. Time is your best friend. I wish you well.

[wideminded]

I have heard that people who have jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge and lived to talk about it say that on the way down they realized that every problem in their life was fixable except the fact that they had just jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge.

I have to go somewhere now but I'll send you a private message later.

[infool7]

I never let those stupid hospital rules stop me from being with my love. Not sure what hogwash they got up there in Canada and now this is just me but I would go to the hospital and not take no for an answer.

Can you call your husbands room or his nurses station?

[Rona Badger]

Please go back and reread all of these messages to you and if you’ve already done that, do it again until you fall asleep.

It sounds as though your deepest fear is the lack of money to fix the problems you are facing today and the loss of your family members who are not with you now (except for Ellie!). And your own health and strength is failing. Remember that fear is false evidence appearing real. While you might think there is no way out but to die by suicide, the way out is truly only through the problems.

Bundle up all the troubling thoughts in your mind in a big sack and light a virtual match to it. Out of the ashes imagine life as you wish it to be... a repaired house, the warmth of your family close to you. Ask and it shall be received. Share the ups and downs with us and trudge the road of happy destiny along with us. We need you, too.

[Jet Jaguar]

Good post.

[Nea Wood]

What a wonderful post. You helped more than people than you know with it.

[Iscool]

I once was where you are...Although I was not a Christian, I believed there was a God...As a last resort, I called out to this God to help me...It was the best thing I have ever done...

Mat 11:28 Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
Mat 11:29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.
Mat 11:30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.