(Saturday smiles) Pet Rules--Memo to the Family Dog and Cat

Who knows? | unknown

[yankeedame]

Pet Rules--Memo to the Family Dog and Cat

1. When I say move, it means go someplace else. It does not mean switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

2. The dishes on the floor are yours and contain your food. All other dishes are mine and contain my food. (Please note: placing a paw or nose-print in the middle of my dinner does not stake your claim on it, nor do I find it aesthetically pleasing in any way.)

3. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

4. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. Locate your inner beast and remember that sleeping animals can actually curl up in a ball, so it is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible.

5.My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

6. For the last time, humans like to use the bathroom alone. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it won't help to claw, whine, meow, bite the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. (Trust me, I have been using the bathroom for years...canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.)

7. When you see me asleep on the couch, it is not funny to make a sudden leap onto my stomach and drop a chew toy, bone or jingle ball on my crotch, no matter how much that makes other family members laugh.

8. Dog: Don't think for a minute that making a sad face and whimpering pathetically will get you out of trouble when I find a puddle of pee on the carpet. The face and the whimpering only validate that you knew it was wrong when you did it.

9. Cat: My sitting down to bite into a juicy sandwich is not a signal for you to begin gagging loudly and then hocking up the most disgusting hairball in history.

10. Dog and Cat: The proper order is kiss me, then go lick yourself. I cannot stress this enough.

To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door:

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Complain About Our Pets:

• 1.They live here; you don't.

• 2.If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

• 3. I like my pet(s) better than I like most people.

• 4. To you it's an animal. To me, it's an adopted child who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and is speech-challenged.

• 5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, are easier to train, usually come when called, don't ask for money, never drive your car, don't hang out with losers, don't drink or smoke, and don't worry about the latest fashions

[Fred Nerks]

trust me your honour, I did not forge my pedigree...

[LucyJo]

Precious!...love it! : )

[Fred Nerks]

will you please tell the court how that forged pedigree ended up on your website...

[LucyT]

Oh! Both are Perfect! They’d be good on the long thread.

[Fred Nerks]

I'm a reportercat from the NewYorkSlimes and I'm SHOCKED, I TELL YA! SHOCKED!

you mean to tell me that all the time that sneaky cat was talking about HOPE and CHANGE he was really just pulling the cat's whiskers over our eyes?

BUT he was so CLEAN AND ARTICULATE! What will we tell our (very few) Readers now?!

[Fred Nerks]

hehehe...’The Story of O’ told in cat images.

[Fred Nerks]

your honour, surely I can't be held responsible for everything...someone must have tampered with my computer...

[LucyT]

'The Story of 0' told in cat images.

If he ever sees this, he won't like it.

[LucyT]

Laughing, very good. Please continue with your pictorial account of events.

[LucyT]

[visualops]

That is a handsome dog

[visualops]

LOL he looks like Yoda

[Fred Nerks]

obsessional Freepercats are to blame for all this, not me...I've got all their names, too. There's LucyT, Arizona Granny, Calpernia, Chief Engineer and that wildcat Polarik, they are all out to get me!

IT'S A CATSPIRACY!

[Fred Nerks]

and then one of the Freepercats had the audacity to try and tell me not only was it stupid of me to forge my pedigree, but I made things worse when I tried to cover it up with kitty litter...

[Fred Nerks]

so what if I have big ears and smoke, whose business is that I ask you?

[Peace4EarthNow]

LOL!!! That was awesome, thanks for posting it!

[Fred Nerks]

and then some freepercat did a morph of me with a doberman - how do you think THAT feels Huh?

[LucyT]

Ye gads, that’s awful! lol

[uglybiker]

Rules for Dogs:

1. The garbage man is not trying to steal our stuff!

2. Kittybox crunchies are not food!

[Iowan]

Thanks, Fred

;-)