Posted on 07/30/2015 8:03:05 AM PDT by rfreedom4u
I thought it best to post a follow up to my previous post of yesterday. http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-bloggers/3317547/posts
I would first like to thank everyone for the prayers/thoughts/advice. I noticed several others who have gone through similar circumstances and I thank you for sharing. Since the original post we have got new meds for my wife and she started taking it last night. I’ve also received additional comments from our children.
When I got home from work yesterday she kept asking me why I was acting different. She said I was not acting like myself. When I asked what she meant she couldn’t give me an answer.
As for the new med, she said that she is feeling extremely tired but still did not sleep much last night. When I got up this morning she was on the couch in the dark. She follows me around the house and will wait outside the door when I am in the bathroom. When I told her I was leaving for work she asked me “Why?” Since arriving at work my son (who is home with her) said he got her to take her med this morning but it took a lot of convincing and a promise to try vegan food. About an hour later he text me and said she had called 911 because she saw his face twitching. He spoke to them and explained that he was fine. I told him they may still come by and he said he kind of hopes they do (I assume they didn’t since I haven’t heard from him).
Of our five kids’ responses to my question of “What would you do regarding your mom if I were to die suddenly?” I will precede each response with their age. Age 27 (daughter) said , “She could come live with me.” To which I responded with, “Do you recall your childhood? Would you want to subject your kids to that?” She stated that she could handle it as her kids are older. Age 25 (daughter) said, “I have no idea.” Age 24 (daughter) said, “I guess we would take turns caring for her.” Age 22 (son) said, “I’m not even sure what I would do with myself much less her.” Age 19 (daughter) still has not answered the question.
I have contacted one of the responders to my original post. Still have to arrange a day/time to meet. I’m not entirely optimistic about it though. I recall in the past that a priest asked me if I thought my wife were possessed. I told him I had no idea.
More on the past 19 years: She has wandered/run off numerous times. A few times she ended up living with another man until he got tired of her and kicked her out. A couple times she ended up in homeless shelters and others she was hospitalized.
I will restate that she has never been violent. One responder mentioned emotional abuse which made me recall several incidents. She has at times berated me for being a bad father and husband. She stated that since I would not force veganism on our kids I was not taking proper care of them. Also that since I was not blindly supporting her in her efforts, that I was less than a man and several other non-flattering things. The two worse time periods that I recall are when I deployed. The first time was for only seven months. I was still within CONUS but the kids were left home with her. I feel that ACS (Army Community Services) let me down because prior to deploying I specifically asked that someone make regular checks on her while I was away. Not one check was made by ACS or my command. The second time I was gone for a year (with ten days leave at home). By this time only three kids were at home with the youngest being 12. During this absence one of my kids said, “Dad, why don’t you just divorce her and get it over with?” I told her I couldn’t because of my vow and that she wasn’t completely responsible for her actions.
She has hallucinated in the past. She has seen demons, angels and Jesus himself. Once she said my face changed to that of a demon during an intimate moment. She’s also seen animals that weren’t there. She stated that she has seen inanimate objects move on their own and insists that ghosts are doing it.
I believe her fanatical religious thoughts are responsible for two of our children professing to be atheist. I myself have had my doubts. It’s not possible to have a rational discussion about religion with her as her interpretations are correct and she will not let me finish my statements if they are in disagreement with hers.
Yesterday I had to demand that she shower, brush her hair and teeth or I would not take her anywhere (we went out to eat). I’ve mentioned divorce to her in the past few days and she says she doesn’t want one and immediately accused me of seeing someone else. I will attempt to discuss it again with her this evening. I’ve told the kids that at times I feel like packing my stuff and just leaving. One said I should do it.
I’ve begun the planning process of leaving her but it is only planning so far. I’m not sure if I will or not but I believe in being ready just in case. I guess it could be called “sanity insurance.” With the pension I receive (half of which would go to her) I could survive on my own.
There have been many responses stating to “stay with her” and “remember your vows” to which I respond with comments from other responses of “at what cost?” Do I stay to the point of my own destruction? At that point she would be doomed to a terrible existence unless a miracle happens and the kids can get her the help she needs or a court orders it.
I feel as if my life with her has mostly been a losing battle. I’ve stopped wearing my ring when I am not around her as it feels like a shackle to a life of misery and pain. But it is also a symbol of a vow that I took. Having it off feels odd (after wearing it for so long) and makes me think about it more. Realistically if I do decide to leave I could find a place to ride out the time it takes for my passport to be renewed and then I would go overseas and live life as an expat.
Physically I am in pretty good health. Other than one bad disc in my back and bursitis in one shoulder I feel fine. Mentally I feel drained and beaten.
The only things that pull at me to stay in reality are the fact that some of the kids may need help and the grandkids.
I can only offer you one piece of advice..
find a support group and join it... there are several online support groups that may help you out..
it is a sigh of relief just knowing there are others out there just like you...
Hope will keep you motivated. Catholic Charities has many great programs, and you don’t need to be Catholic to use them. They are everywhere and wanting you to call. Good luck to you.
I lived with a friend, considered him a brother, for 8 years, and the symptoms you discuss are exactly what I lived with. He took anti-psychotic, which basically made him sleep upwards of 16 hours a day, and a zombie when he was awake. He soon did as you said and would take himself off the meds after a while. Nothing ever really helped and unfortunately, nothing will ever cure him. One thing, however, that DID have an immediate effect and helped far better than mess was pot. I know, but I’m telling you it was immediate for him, and worked quite amazingly. I would’t have believed it unless I seen it for myself. Anyhow, just a thought. No matter what happens, I’ll be keeping you and yours in thought and prayer.
My sisters and I rotated being there so Mom was never without family close by and never spent an evening without one of us there with her.
The facilities are in a retirement community and the other patients in the memory care facility were late middle-aged to elderly with a range of mobility.
At first, I had to get over my own feelings about leaving my mom there and about others doing that to their loved ones, too, like we were failing to live up to what we were supposed to do for a loved one.
But, being there every night also came with all the reminders about how "impossible" that care had become.
I eventually got over my guilt and my harsh feelings toward my self and others and instead became very grateful and forgiving, as well as appreciative for God's gift of good health as we age.
I am grateful my mom and everyone else there were in a safe place where they were under constant supervision and care by people who generally acted with compassion and patience for those they cared for.
And, because of my time with those patients and being there for my mom's last years, for the first time in my life I am afraid of going though something like that myself or the last half of my life alone. Unexpected gifts for one who is adept at letting life slip by.
My sympathy to you. I think you’re on your path. It may take you awhile, but you’ll research and understand the best options for her, while doing what’s right for you.
Congratulations on what you’ve made it through for the sake of your kids and your wife. When I saw your first post I thought you wouldn’t have made it if you weren’t getting ready to go in a new direction, and I’m convinced of that now.
Good luck.
I checked out the Menninger Clinic site and will call them at lunch.
It stated that they do not accept insurance and inpatient costs are around $1,700/day with an average stay of 6-8 weeks. There is a possibility that my insurance (Tricare) will be able to help. The other hard part would be to get her to self admit which is one of their requirements.
“How the heck to you do it? How do you function?”
My response is usually, “I don’t know. I just do.”
- - - - - - - -
Family. It is what we do when it is needed.
We have had some struggles, not the same as yours, but overwhelming at times.
We had people tell us: “it is so wonderful y’all stepped up and took care of her”.
That always seemed strange to us. We didn’t see any options.
God Bless you and your family.
You can also fulfill your vow by separating from her for your sanity but not divorcing and taking care of her financially for the rest of her life. Maybe a middle road for you. Once you begin to feel better you can make better decisions about the future and you will be there for your kids as well. It sounds like she needs 24/7 care have you thought about placing her in a group home for mentally ill adults? You could also stay married and financially care for her in that way but also provide for her and give yourself some of the relief you need.
Sorry about your situation. But divorce is the best option.
A buddy of mine was in a marriage with a woman that was acting the same as your description. He tried and tried to make it work. Our friends and I told him for two years to get out.
She got to the point of regularly going into rages and hitting him and his teen son. They tried various medicines that had widely varying results, from days and days on a couch to amnesia. Nothing worked. Not even stays in jail and hospital.
He finally filed for divorce, lost half his retirement, moved away with his son, found a great lady, and never looked back. Among the happiest guys I know now.
Which is worse, looking two years ahead and not seeing a light at the end of the tunnel; or looking two years ahead and seeing some sunshine!
My ex as well
Rage
Seizures usually when drinking
Paranoid delusional
Jealous off the charts
And so forth
SSRI Revolution helped but then she’d resent not being angry enough towards me
Gorgeous woman though
I’m so sorry
Hiring a sitter to be there with her, listening to her memories or desires, is possible and often works to sooth her need for company and relating. Walks, simply having a person present that is kind to there is a strong support. If it must be 24 hours a day it does get expensive.
Even in care centers for the elderly it is still necessary to have a caring presence for her to relate to ... it does not have to be you. The care givers are not emotionally connected to their patient, and thus can leave at night. No doubt there is no perfect answer for all concerned. If it was you experiencing the symptoms your wife is having ... what would you hope to have done to benefit you? ...
Hi. I think you are to be commended for your sense of responsibility to her and the kids. I read all that you wrote and my sense is that you are trying to deal with something that only a professional can deal with and sometimes we cannot recognize when we are at that stage. If you continue to try to deal with it alone, it will no doubt continue to drain you and affect your health and it will get harder and harder for you. I would contact a mental health professional and get some guidance as to what you think should be done. This is more than anyone can or should be able to handle alone.
Continued Prayers for you and your family.
If your kids on not onboard, too bad.
Save yourself.
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
1. As others have suggested I think I would first look at Adult Foster Care homes, Assisted Living, and if she needs committing to a mental hospital then even that.
2. There is middle ground that people should consider before ever jumping to the divorce word...and that is separation. If the options in #1 don't work or aren't available then separate for a while. Can she live on her own? will it make her wake up to the fact that she needs help? There is no "sin" in separating if she won't consider going for help.
3. I agree that a support group of others also going through this would be helpful for you.
4. People who have not gone through this will give you trite cliche answers. Remeber that their advice is worth what you paid for it. Try getting advice from your support group or people who have gone through this.
Sorry you're going through this and praying for you.
Yep!
As I read your post, my heart ached for you and your situation.
I went through the responses, and was going to respond to obadiah, and you, but then something of a miracle appeared to me.
God is answering you right NOW. He has placed people from this board in a position to read of your troubles, and many have offered suggestions of ways for you to help your wife.
When I have a problem God always answers me by making one of the tough choices I have glaringly obvious.
I see His hand at work here as clearly as I see the keyboard in front of me.
Faith, my brother. God gives us freewill to make our own choices, but he will guide those decisions every single time if asked.
While you may be indeterminate on God’s actions, I believe others have asked on your behalf, and He IS answering.
Faith will open your eyes to a solution you haven’t see before.
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