Posted on 07/30/2015 8:03:05 AM PDT by rfreedom4u
I thought it best to post a follow up to my previous post of yesterday. http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-bloggers/3317547/posts
I would first like to thank everyone for the prayers/thoughts/advice. I noticed several others who have gone through similar circumstances and I thank you for sharing. Since the original post we have got new meds for my wife and she started taking it last night. I’ve also received additional comments from our children.
When I got home from work yesterday she kept asking me why I was acting different. She said I was not acting like myself. When I asked what she meant she couldn’t give me an answer.
As for the new med, she said that she is feeling extremely tired but still did not sleep much last night. When I got up this morning she was on the couch in the dark. She follows me around the house and will wait outside the door when I am in the bathroom. When I told her I was leaving for work she asked me “Why?” Since arriving at work my son (who is home with her) said he got her to take her med this morning but it took a lot of convincing and a promise to try vegan food. About an hour later he text me and said she had called 911 because she saw his face twitching. He spoke to them and explained that he was fine. I told him they may still come by and he said he kind of hopes they do (I assume they didn’t since I haven’t heard from him).
Of our five kids’ responses to my question of “What would you do regarding your mom if I were to die suddenly?” I will precede each response with their age. Age 27 (daughter) said , “She could come live with me.” To which I responded with, “Do you recall your childhood? Would you want to subject your kids to that?” She stated that she could handle it as her kids are older. Age 25 (daughter) said, “I have no idea.” Age 24 (daughter) said, “I guess we would take turns caring for her.” Age 22 (son) said, “I’m not even sure what I would do with myself much less her.” Age 19 (daughter) still has not answered the question.
I have contacted one of the responders to my original post. Still have to arrange a day/time to meet. I’m not entirely optimistic about it though. I recall in the past that a priest asked me if I thought my wife were possessed. I told him I had no idea.
More on the past 19 years: She has wandered/run off numerous times. A few times she ended up living with another man until he got tired of her and kicked her out. A couple times she ended up in homeless shelters and others she was hospitalized.
I will restate that she has never been violent. One responder mentioned emotional abuse which made me recall several incidents. She has at times berated me for being a bad father and husband. She stated that since I would not force veganism on our kids I was not taking proper care of them. Also that since I was not blindly supporting her in her efforts, that I was less than a man and several other non-flattering things. The two worse time periods that I recall are when I deployed. The first time was for only seven months. I was still within CONUS but the kids were left home with her. I feel that ACS (Army Community Services) let me down because prior to deploying I specifically asked that someone make regular checks on her while I was away. Not one check was made by ACS or my command. The second time I was gone for a year (with ten days leave at home). By this time only three kids were at home with the youngest being 12. During this absence one of my kids said, “Dad, why don’t you just divorce her and get it over with?” I told her I couldn’t because of my vow and that she wasn’t completely responsible for her actions.
She has hallucinated in the past. She has seen demons, angels and Jesus himself. Once she said my face changed to that of a demon during an intimate moment. She’s also seen animals that weren’t there. She stated that she has seen inanimate objects move on their own and insists that ghosts are doing it.
I believe her fanatical religious thoughts are responsible for two of our children professing to be atheist. I myself have had my doubts. It’s not possible to have a rational discussion about religion with her as her interpretations are correct and she will not let me finish my statements if they are in disagreement with hers.
Yesterday I had to demand that she shower, brush her hair and teeth or I would not take her anywhere (we went out to eat). I’ve mentioned divorce to her in the past few days and she says she doesn’t want one and immediately accused me of seeing someone else. I will attempt to discuss it again with her this evening. I’ve told the kids that at times I feel like packing my stuff and just leaving. One said I should do it.
I’ve begun the planning process of leaving her but it is only planning so far. I’m not sure if I will or not but I believe in being ready just in case. I guess it could be called “sanity insurance.” With the pension I receive (half of which would go to her) I could survive on my own.
There have been many responses stating to “stay with her” and “remember your vows” to which I respond with comments from other responses of “at what cost?” Do I stay to the point of my own destruction? At that point she would be doomed to a terrible existence unless a miracle happens and the kids can get her the help she needs or a court orders it.
I feel as if my life with her has mostly been a losing battle. I’ve stopped wearing my ring when I am not around her as it feels like a shackle to a life of misery and pain. But it is also a symbol of a vow that I took. Having it off feels odd (after wearing it for so long) and makes me think about it more. Realistically if I do decide to leave I could find a place to ride out the time it takes for my passport to be renewed and then I would go overseas and live life as an expat.
Physically I am in pretty good health. Other than one bad disc in my back and bursitis in one shoulder I feel fine. Mentally I feel drained and beaten.
The only things that pull at me to stay in reality are the fact that some of the kids may need help and the grandkids.
My apologies if any of the above seems to ramble or jump around. I’ll most likely post another follow up in a week or two as it does seem to help me personally.
“When I asked what she meant she couldn’t give me an answer.”
Did she say “You know what I mean”? Many times, if they don’t have a rational reason, they will project it back to you. My relative with dementia does this as well.
Hey prayers up for you. I’m in the middle of a messy divorce from an alcoholic myself. She filed for divorce two and a half litigious years ago. At least that’s one thing I can thank her for. That and my three awesome boys.
Sorry I am coming in late to this discussion. I am a physical therapist here in Tampa. I perform Home based PT. Often the homes I visit to see my patients are Assisted Living Facilities. About 30% of my patients are psychiatric ally disabled. Perhaps an ALF would be a good option.
It is well understood that caring for a sick family member is the most stressful job we will ever have. I have a good understanding of the dynamics. Feel free to email.
I feel your pain and this is a trial such as Job faced in his torment in the bible. I have often said the Lord does not give us more than we can handle but, there are times I have felt that praying for His strength to help me get through was all I had left.
Tough decisions do not get easier by putting them off. I pray God lifts you up in His plan.
First and foremost, you need help.
Do you have a support network? If not you need to develop one. You cannot manage this without support. It seems like you have been trying to go it alone with your kids, but my concern is that you are all going to go down with the ship. I know this is a sensitive component, but I would suggest finding a local Christ-following church (i.e., generally not a mainline church).
Second, I understand that you, quite naturally, are not sure what to believe regarding matters of faith. Makes sense. But here’s what I want you to do.
In Jeremiah 33:3 it says, “Call to Me and I will answer you. I will tell you great and mighty things which you do not know.”
This is how you can test an see if there is a God and if He is interested in you, on a personal level. Call out to Him. Ask Him to reveal Himself to you. If you do this with sincerity of heart then wait upon Him for an answer. He will answer.
I haven’t had to deal with mental illness in a permanent form with a spouse, but I have with a spouse going through a very, very bad case of menopause that manifested itself much as you say.
My first concern would be the health and safety of the children and grandchildren. In a state such as you describe, the first thing I’d never do is allow her to be alone with children or grandchildren and me not there.
Right up there with the kids/grand kids thing is trying your best to see if this is a problem that can be lessened with the right medication, if that something that can show some promise
It’s tough. My wife absolutely refused to get meds to help her. We ended up divorced because of it, and she pissed away everything of the half of our lifetime accumulations she got in the divorce. Eventually when all that passed in a couple of years, I took her back - sane now.
My advice is to do what you have to do to see what it takes to get her treated or at least managed. If commitment is the last option, then do it. Don’t go running off trying to escape it all - that won’t work.
There are very few people I tell this story to that I personally know. When I do they are always shocked and most ask me, “How the heck to you do it? How do you function?”
My response is usually, “I don’t know. I just do.”
I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. Mental illness can completely destroy families.
You sound like you may have already “checked” out, but just throwing this out there. Have you ever researched the Menninger Clinic in Houston? They are very specialized and may be an option for your wife. Or maybe not. Medical insurance would be a necessity as I’ve heard it’s very expensive.
Praying for you that you find the answers.
When I was in my 20s, my mom was diagnosed bipolar. She was having a manic episode. She did lots of crazy things (redoing the house several times, disapppearing, calling people at all hours). My dad had to call the police to get her to the hospital.
It was awful.
We’ll 30 years later, and my mom is great! She is 84 years old and has an antique shop. She handled the loss of my dad and my brother with lots of grace.
Once she got on the right meds, her life turned around.
I respect my dad so much for staying with her and for having her taken to the hospital. This all happened a year after he almost died during open heart surgery. It was all very hard on him.
My advice is to get your wife help! Legally commit her if you have to.
You and your children will be thankful in the end.
(This where the marriage vows have meaning!)
Does your health insurance cover mental illness? Also, is she lucid where she understands you or is the dementia to a point where if you left her alone she would seriously harm herself?
Is it time for an institution where she can get round the clock care? This must really be tough on you and your family, especially having to make a decision which will impact everyone.
I pray for you and your family.
You are surely a brave, good soul. Thank you for your service to our country. The question of whether to leave her or not is, of course, yours, but it should not be forgotten that if she was unfaithful to you she has already broken her vows. Truth be told, as a friend, the "law" aside, it is one thing to make a mistake (which of us after all has not been weak!) ...And quite another to leave your kids and go live with someone else.
The purpose of my reaching out to you however is simply to tell you about my experience. I was and will probably always remain madly "in love" with a woman who was brilliant, sweet, gorgeous (to me,) and most likely my only true "soul mate" if such things exist, but mentally ill. On meds, yes, but ill.
The details are unimportant, but what is important is that now - finally, years later - though my heart will always be shredded and I will always be somewhat damaged by the devastating break-up, I am glad that she and I are not raising children.
For all the "love" and all the "feelings" I once knew, now I know the deep joy of raising kids in a sane household.
True love requires sanity, and love is what our children deserve.
A "Real Man's" (as she put it) life may be filled with pleasure, pain, charity, shame, and even sin... But in the end it is only about your progeny - your kids. They are your source, your purpose, and your legacy.
Every blessing on you my FRiend and brother. golux
Let me second this. Due to the cost of hospitalization many areas (mine included) now have facilities that are much more like a home than a hospital. This is often helpful during a crisis period as you seem to be in now. My wife has stayed in a few of these places and they are far less stressful than a hospital and it will take so much of the strain off you.
“Once she got on the right meds”
Lithium carbonate? My Dad suffered from really bad cluster headaches and it helped him, and he said it was also effective in treating bipolar disorder.
It’s cheap, too, unlike a lot of meds.
At what cost?
At all cost.
That’s what that “in sickness...or for worse” bit covered in the _vow_.
You (i.e.: your family) need professional help. You can’t reason with her, because her mind is not functioning on the same axioms & processes yours is. You have to work, you can’t be on top of her all the time, you can’t figure out something this hard on your own.
Get her to a psychiatrist/psychologist NOW. Mental illness is real, and serious cases are more than you can handle on your own. Get. Help. Now.
And you have to let go of whatever plans & expectations for family life you had beyond keeping it together. Be thankful your kids are (more or less) grown and on their own; those that aren’t quite there need a serious talk about “it’s time, Mom needs Dad’s full attention, and your best help is not being a burden - we mean that in the most caring & loving way possible.” Your life is now about containing & caring for her, which must include professional help.
Oh, did I mention you need to get professional help involved here? and that you vowed to care for her, in sickness, be it for worse? You can’t abandon her any more than you can abandon an infected leg. Get help.
Please get in touch with NAMI at 1-800-273-8255. They will help you find support for your wife AND for you & your family.
These folks know the ins & outs of the system and can help you get whatever help is available.
Based on some of what you described there, you might need an exorcist, not a doctor. I am not joking.
I am praying for both of you, I am dealing with a similar situation with my wife. Fortunately the meds are working and she is willing to take them
Thanks for this follow-up.
One day at a time, FRiend. One day at a time.
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