Oh my goodness. I am so sorry. I share your feelings including frequent wishes to have this life just be over. Nothing but crap most of the time, troubles.... I have to gut it out and remember I will feel better in a day or 2, and I do.
I grew up stuck on a farm with an abusive father, made us kids work on the farm and business , every minute we were not at school, starting at age 10 after we moved there and built everything ( kids building!). He has a horrible volatile temper and we didn’t dare say no or he’d have killed us.
I have no relationship with him. I show up for holidays or stop in to see my mother who is still trapped but insists she is fine ( Stockholm Syndrome). He ruined me and my siblings, stole our childhood. I learned in my 40s that a government official with child protective services had visited the farm when I was a kid. Some kind soul ( a retail customer of ours I assume) had called on our behalf. My crazy father is 85 and still working, thus my 80 year old mother still works. I hate what he did to all of us.
My sister and I suffer from depression and suicidal thoughts. I know the horrible dread of what bad thing is next... my faith in God is all that keeps me from ending it all.
There is a Bible verse my pastor uses a lot.
“Better is the ending of a thing, than the beginning thereof.”
God has a plan for you and me, a good plan.
Let’s Walk Towards The Cross everyday, until God takes us home.
Amen
I’m sorry you had such a rotten childhood. :-( Perhaps he thought in his mind he was “toughening” you kids up not to be slackers or some such. But that shouldn’t come at the expense of not being able to enjoy your childhood.