Posted on 04/22/2018 11:48:52 AM PDT by Hostage
A male friend from my community has a shared custody arrangement of his son who at 10 years old is similar in age to my own son. The father and I have known each other for seven years and we have developed a friendship.
This is a summary of events the father has shared with me over the past several years. He is pretty closed lip but knows I can be trusted to keep his personal matters private. We share a lot as our boys are often in the same activities together like baseball, karate, biking. I try to be helpful where I can.
As a Christian, he was distressed by a long divorce process that left him shaken by the court system and by the power of Child Protective Services (CPS) which at one time his ex-wife had called in to investigate him on false charges as a ploy to get full custody. This is I think a fairly typical story but later circumstances involving a counseling network and CPS appear unique or at least not part of my knowledge base.
He seemed particularly fearful of CPS and the damage they could do to innocent parents. He survived CPS but came away wanting to avoid them in any way possible. He said they have no duty to families or to truth-seeking, only to the state statutes that govern them. I would not expect it to be different.
He had wanted to relocate but the joint custody order would not allow either parent to have the child removed from the county, even temporarily for visitation, without the court's permission. He was as fearful of the family court system as he was of CPS. He felt he had received a good deal in comparison to other fathers and didn't wish to press his luck. So he was stuck.
His ex-wife found a boyfriend that she moved in with. During initial periods of visitation with the mother, the child appeared to be fine with the arrangement, happy to have attention showered on him in both households.
After a time, the mother's boyfriend became hostile toward the child leaving the child not wanting to go see his mother. This left the father in a crisis because he could not violate the parenting court order and yet his child was begging to not go see the mother.
The father who is a capable individual and fairly strong in demeanor becomes cowed at the prospect of going to family court. He becomes a different sort of man when matters of family court occupy his thoughts. He changes from a strong male to a cowering wimp. He will not directly talk to his ex-wife. He communicates with her only by email so as to leave a record should it ever be necessary to appear in family court. In each email response, he says he measures every word he writes knowing that the emails can appear as exhibits in court motions. To that, I have to say he is smart. From his private conversations with me, I heard he at one time had a very capable attorney which I imagine helped him stay out of trouble.
He persuaded his son to visit his mother if he could somehow shorten the visits. The father says he was able to shorten the visits by agreement with the mother based on the child's activity schedule; sports, camps, etc.
But over the course of about a year, the hostility of the ex-wife's boyfriend turned to abuse. The abuse was both psychological and physical. For example, the father says his son was told to stay in his room an entire day with nothing to read or look at because he had apparently not shown the proper level of respect to the mother's boyfriend. The father says at one point the boyfriend allegedly lifted him up by his neck to tell him eye-to-eye that if he ever looked showed disrespect again, that the boyfriend would kill him. But no visible marks remained after alleged incidents of physical abuse. According to the father, his son trembled with fear at the prospect of returning to his mother's for visitation. At one point there was an argument between the mother and the boyfriend that resulted in a 911 call. This was, according to the father, hard evidence that he could use in court to show an unsafe environment existed at the residence of the mother.
But this story is not so much about problems in a divorced family as it is about how family counseling and the state can make a bad situation worse.
My friend felt strongly but reluctantly that he had to go to court and bring this to the court's attention but he was still fearful. I admired his facing the responsibility to stand up for his son. He asked me for feedback. I told him he might need to consider a third-party evaluation of his son to obtain objective evidence for the court to weigh. He said that was what he would do.
A few weeks later I saw him at baseball practice where our sons were on the same team. I asked him how things were going and he told me that things were awful and that he was keeping a low profile everywhere he went. He wouldn't answer his phone, he wouldn't answer his door, he had to screen most everything. He said he was fearful even to bring his son to baseball practice.
He had a hired a 'Christian Family Counselor' to hear his son give testimony about the mother's boyfriend. He wanted to have a record for the court of the counseling testimony and if necessary, he might need the counselor to appear in court to testify. According to him, things started out very well with the family counselor as a clear understanding was reached for the purpose of the counseling (court case evidence). He told me the counselor was young but very positive and seemingly competent. He said his son was very happy with the counselor and was thankful to his father for bringing him to the counseling sessions.
The clinic was a part of a Christian counseling network. The father told me he thought that a Christian clinic would be less inclined to heighten conflicts like some attorney firms would do in order to churn out more billable hours. Using a Christian network, he thought the process would somehow be more gentle.
On the second visit to the counselor, he told me the counselor concluded the session with his son and came to the lobby to tell the father to meet him in his office. In the office, the father was told that the counselor had obtained from his son a record of alleged abuse and that he had a duty, that he was required by the state to report to the state's CPS that child abuse was occurring in the mother's home. The counselor said he would need the child's social security number and his date of birth. The father said he didn't know his son's SSN off hand. The father hurriedly left the counseling clinic after promising he would email that information.
Then the father went quiet. He never emailed the information to the counselor and left an after-hours message to the counselor that he wasn't happy with the counseling rendered and would be seeking a different counselor.
He told me that CPS has no duty to God, their only duty is to the State. He said he was appalled that a HIPAA regulated service such as family counseling would inflame a family conflict thereby possibly rendering a delicate situation into a monstrous spectacle. All he wanted was an evaluation letter from the counselor, not an intervention by CPS.
I asked him why he thought CPS could not be trusted to investigate the mother's boyfriend.
Apparently, CPS interviews all parties during an investigation and treats all parties as suspects.
The father told me he simply couldn't take the risk. He said the risk was high that CPS would turn his life and the life of his son upside down. Unlike dealing with law enforcement, there is not a clear right to have an attorney present when talking with CPS investigators. Actually, there is a means for legal representation, but it's not generally known or manageable as CPS has authority beyond law enforcement to take a child in the 'interest' of the child, without a clear warrant.
Sad.
It’s not me but I’ll pass on if appropriate the idea of using a school counselor. That might be a solution as school counselors are government employees who might be able to quell an overreaching by CPS.
I agree. It’s still a sad situation though.
The father has his son at home and is protecting him. He’s a good parent.
I don’t get involved in his day-to-day affairs. He comes to me asking for friendly feedback. I know he’s not going to let the child go back to the mother’s boyfriend until he gets some sort of action.
What he’s doing now, I don’t know. But yesterday he said he was going to check out some options and talk to some attys. That’s all I know other than he’s a good guy.
All licensed counselors are legally required to report suspected and reported abuse to child protective services. That includes Christian ones.
I have a LOT of stories, arrested a couple times too.
A nazi thug dressed in a Magic Blue costume broke in to my House while my 9 yr old daughter and I were watching TV. I got up and got right in his face without ever touching him , screaming and Demanding he get out of my house. He is Frantic and talking on the radio, I picked up the House Phone and called 911, Screaming into the Phone, HELP, A Man just broke in to my House, Help he has a GUN OH MY GOD HELP, and Ripped the phone out of the wall, all the while he was less than 2 inches from my face and I was very hostile, but never touched him.
I then picked up my Cell Phone and called my Lawyer.
Everyone showed up at the same time, needless to say it was from an anonymous tip that prompted the visit, funny thing was, the NAZI Thug that showed up was F%cking and Using the Anonymous Tipster to buy Drugs as a Snitch. The meeting at My Lawyers Office at 10:00PM with the Chief of Police, the DA,Sargeants,and everyone else in charge ...was rather entertaining, especially since 3 months prior I filed a Formal Harassment Complaint for violating my restraining order with 65 harassing phone calls in 2 days, all stored on Battery Powered Caller ID I got at Radio Shack, it was the NAZI Thugs Cell Phone Number!!! and Child Protective Services NEVER Bothered me again!!
> “The state, and media, will come down very hard on anyone who knows, or even suspects abuse, but does nothing.”
I imagine CPS can also be held accountable if they fail to act which explains why there are so many stories of how CPS causes more trouble to these types of situations.
> “Moreover, what is your friend’s logic for not wanting the counselor to report this abuse?”
I would myself report it if I didn’t think this father was responsible and an all-around good parent.
He’s not sitting on his thumbs. For now, he’s protecting his son and he’s making a plan to deal with the boyfriend.
His predicament is that government agencies and courts can bring more harm than good, not because they are bad people, but because they are not capable of always doing the right thing.
For example, CPS could put the child in a foster home pending the investigation which could go on for weeks or months. The father tells me that the trauma caused by separation of his son from his father during such time could damage him more than anything else.
I feel for the guy. I have no good answers.
One person sent me an email saying there should be legislation that allows for aunts. uncles, grandparents to consent to temporary custody during such conflicts. Sounds like a good subject to discuss.
Was the thug a CPS agent? An LEO?
You were brave and maybe you are lucky to be alive.
Glad to hear CPS is no longer bothering you.
My ex divorced me 20 years ago. We had 10, 13 and 16 year old daughters. My experience with family court is the reason I hate the US government and the government at all levels in King County WA. And I didn’t even have to deal with CPS.
I consider all meddling governments to be pure evil.
It opened my eyes. It changed my life.
When I was a kid, kids didn’t need an SSN until they were old enough to work for wages.
Then why am I reading this in a very public forum?
The friend doesn't know the meaning of "privacy"
Women will always use their kids as cannon fodder in divorces. Trick is to ask her what she wants and give her all the time she wants with the kids...except full custody....and avoid the courts! Then after the fact do as you will. If she wants to change things SHE has to take it to court!
uh, gee .. I never expected someone could ‘divine’ his identity here.
We need a level of government to deal with conflicts and unsafe environments.
But when it comes to children, the government seems to strike out more often than get on base.
One of the best topics for discussion received so far is from arthurus on this thread who suggested school counselors, but I guess that would depend on the school.
The other best topic came in an email to consider allowing relatives, aunts, uncles, grandparents to have temporary custody while the conflict gets investigated.
“A family court apparently gets allegations thrown about all the time and it’s not always easy to know who’s telling the truth.?
I have to admit that I am clueless with the problems dealing with a family court and in my own marriage these sort of problems could not have happened. However I do believe under these circumstances I would do something as the son is looking to the father and that has long term implications. And I don’t know how under these circumstances the abuse could be hidden.
How old is the kid? A relationship with the school counselor should be developed prior to relating problems.
See if they might be trusted.
Get involved with a strong Christian Church prior to relating problems as they be assisting when you go to court. There may be cops counselors in the Church that. May be available for advice etc.
Getting close to school teachers would be desired especially one who could help when you go to court.
CPS stays in business by intimidating the parents to not speak out.
Kid is safe and happy with the father for now.
See #43, #46
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/religion/3649540/posts?page=43#43
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/religion/3649540/posts?page=46#46
> “The father knocked the knife from her hand.”
This is a prime example of an incident that can be taken in more than one way.
Was the father trying to torture his daughter or was he trying to get a dangerous weapon away from her so that she wouldn’t harm herself?
This goes to the crux of the matter in family court cases.
It’s the same as talking to a law enforcement officer without having an attorney present. The LEO can be jotting down a 1000 word report, yet pull 10 words out of context and use those words to throw the suspect in the slammer.
Good, my basic point is that the son will or should have learned respect for his father as he gets older.
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