"Unfair," maybe, but not wicked:
"As it is written, Jacob have I loved, but Esau have I hated. What shall we say then? Is there unrighteousness with God? God forbid. For he saith to Moses, I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion." (Rom 9:13-15)
I’m saying that the poser of the question — not God — is being iniquitous.
Look, I’m not trying to be unkind here. But after wrestling for decades with this sticky demon and coming to a hard won victory, I don’t want to see it vector through you to more victims, or even for it to bring your witness down, for that matter.
We don’t have explicit visibility into further details of what might be called the divine “policy.” However we do have some very robust hints. For example, the Lord is not willing that any should perish, but all come to repentance.
So, you might ask, why not spell it out in the bible if so? Why not say that all who permit the Lord to love them will be saved? Well, first at the very least, why deny that could be the case? Again, one is assuming that God’s idea of exercise of sovereign power is the same as your or my fallen idea of exercise of sovereign power.
And the “permit” model answers the merit question extremely easily. I could permit Donald Trump to put $1000 in my empty bank account. But unless Donald Trump actually puts $1000 in my empty bank account, it is empty, and any debts I owed would go unpaid. Therefore, my permission does not equate to merit.
Now if Donald Trump, out of extreme generosity, established a policy that all who permitted him to put $1000 in their empty bank accounts would in fact get it... that still does not equate to the merit of any. The merit would be Donald Trump’s.
Now out of pride that someday I might earn that $1000, but forever still without a job, I denied Donald Trump the permission, then I’d never get it.
I believe your discourse has descended into “quarrels about words.”
The stickiness of the question is directly proportional to our pride in our own thinking, and reluctance to accept ALL (not just part) of the divine thinking. How do I know? I’ve been there and done that.
YOU can wallow. I refuse to, however, and beseech that you do not pull others into that wallow.
Oh, and how do we answer the “whom He hardens” question?
Well we might propose that the occupants of hell are, in fact, all hardened.
Now watch what happens in real life when someone offers to reconcile with you, but you choose to refuse that out of your own pride. Does your attitude get softer? No! You will watch its hardness build. How dare that person be so condescending towards your almighty pride! And that will keep up till either the end or you choose to let go of the pride.
“The same sun that melts the butter, hardens the clay.”