MY goodness, I have attended many and I mean MANY meetings and have never experienced anything remotely like what you have described.
I suppose like anything that involves people invariably there will be some bad apples.
Fortunately for me the meetings have been universally helpful, genuinely sympathetic, supportive, totally non-judgemental,and absolutely anonymous.
There are no “leaders” in the program but occasionally you’ll get someone who tries to assert themselves into some sort of dictatorial position. That is quickly shot down by the group.
I really don’t quite understand what’s in the minds of the employers or thew families of people going to AA meetings. It’s nothing more than a support group to help people get and stay sober. There are no expectations promises, or guarantees. AA simply provides the tools to an alcoholic or addict to utilize that they might long live a satisfying sober existence.
The members are not thrapists, counselers or MDs and in no way attempt to play one on TV. We are simply a group of people that discuss our problems, our successes, our life experiences before and after alcohol. We learn from others indirectly....take what we hear from others that makes sense for us and discard the rest.
The alcoholic is responsible for his/her OWN recovery. AA simply offers direction toward positive behavior alternatives to make the chance of success a bit more likely.
Of course there will be bad apples. I knew an AA member who remarked that a horse thief can gain sobriety through AA but then he is just a sober horse thief.
There are no “leaders”, but there are respected elders who have been at the club who have 30-40 years of sobriety and are defacto leaders.